What limits should be set for our 18 year old daughter who just moved back home after only 4 months?

Question

Our 18 year old daugher, Miss I Know What I'm Doing, moved back home after only 4 mnths. She moved out with her g'friend. They paid the first month's rent at their apartment and didn't pay any more. They were evicted. Now, she knew before she moved that we wouldn't be able to help much because her dad got caught in a mass lay-off and ended up with a lower paying job. I work as well. We also have 3 younger children. We told her if she moved back home, she'd have to pay rent, car ins. and pitch in on food. All total it only amnts to about $200 a month. Cheap if you ask me. She has a job - if she goes - and brings home a little over $200/week. She's not offd to do ANYTHING since being home. She complains about everything. She also owes about $9,000 after being on her own for 4 months. She seems perfectly happy with the minimal job she has and doesn't care to pay a thing. I said to give her a time limit, make her save money, pay bills, dad's not sure. Any suggestions?

Thanks, Puck. You know she wasn't spoiled - not given everything, not allowed to do whatever she wants. She expects to be treated that way. I can't figure it out. She seems to want everything for nothing. The 9 grand came from having to pay the apartment bill, the lawyer fees and court costs, and running up her cell phone to $800. Good Lord! This is going to be a challenge.

Answer 1

You must be a better person than I am, because I wouldn't even entertain such foolishness. She'd be out on her @ss!
She sounds incredibly spoiled. The ball is in your court. Set a curfew. The trick to enforcing it is to NOT give her a house key. If she comes home too late she's screwed. Give her 30 days to pay her room & board, then provide her with her SECOND eviction. What a brat!

Answer 2

Sorry-why the time limit?
Whatever time you give her will not make a scrap of difference.
Your daughter is now an adult.
As such she must realise that it is time to join the real world.
She's come home because so far she's unable to face up to reality and mum and dad are the soft option.I'm sorry to say she sounds like so many who think that the comforts and privileges will be forever paid for by someone else.And in her mind that;'s you because she reckons since you've always picked up the tab from childhood you will continue to do so.
If you do then you are only perpetuating the situation and there will be no pressure on her to change.
This is a problem where the remedy is you have to be cruel to be kind.
Take off her an amount of cash each week which will leave her with little remaining for luxuries or going out and then the penny might drop that if she wants all the things that she currently takes for granted she must earn them.
Without this,she will end up being a waster and a sponger.
With adulthood comes privileges but only with responsibility and self reliance.

Answer 3

absolutely. She did not learn the consequences of her actions when she left home did she? Well since I work in the credit industry I can tell you that she has already wrecked her credit and will have difficulty getting another apartment on her own, because an apartment complex reports, in the form of a judgment, back rent due., and it goes on the credit report. If she were my kid I would tell her that I am collecting $150 per month from her, just to pay back the apartment complex she ripped off...and I would tell her that I am collecting $200 a month for her "share" of living with me. Since she makes $800 month if she goes to work, well that gives her $450 more for paying off that $9,000 she owes. Sounds like she feels entitled and is a bit unrealistic. Well most 18 year old are so you have to be hard on them a bit to get them in line.

I would sit down with her father and put together a list of what you expect from her if she is to live under your roof. Also, without some sort of vocation, or training, she will always be in a minimum wage job and will never leave home. So I would force her to go for a vocational assessment and get into some sort of training program, leading to a career. I do NOT believe it is a parents fault when or if their child lacks ambition, but I do believe she is young enough and in a vulnerable position whether she admits it or not. I would use that to my advantage to move her along.

And once you get the apartment complex paid off make your daughter write a letter to the three credit bureau's of Experian, Transunion and Equifax, with a letter from the complex, saying she paid the past due amount. That will get the judgment off her credit. Trust me it will be on there within 60 days if she did skip out on that rent...but it can be rectified. She will thank you later if she ever wants to buy a home. Make sure she pays that $9,000 off too or she will never get a student loan, or a home if she ever wants one. Your credit rating matters in life.

Answer 4

Wow, this sounds like a tough situation. If she is truly as you described, you will probably never get that 9,000 back unless there was a legal contract that you both signed. If you want to ensure the $200 a month, you will need to (again) draw up a contract and have it signed by you and your daughter. In front of witnesses is best.
I think you did a good job of setting limits. I once knew a young adult that was charged extraordinary amounts of money to live at home with mom and dad, but you are being very reasonable at $200 a month. However, I would add in that she needs to help keep the house cleaned up...basically, she needs to be responsible for her own messes and partly responsible for routine cleaning of the common areas (again, this needs to be in the contract/lease you make with your daughter). Other than that, you are doing well.

Answer 5

Two hundred a month is hardly anything at all. I would have jumped at that when I was her age. What is she spending her money on now? Personally I would give her a time limit. As in telling her, you are to pay 200 a month at the beginning of each month...period. If you do not do that then you need to find yourself another place to live. She should also get cracking on that 9000 she owes from the four months away from home. I cannot imagine what she owes it for, but the girl needs to learn some responsibility. She is not going to get a free ride her entire life, and as parents we owe it to our children to make sure they can take care of themselves. If something were to happen to you, what would she do? She has no life skills.
Is she at least going to college? I would be a little easier on her if she was at least doing something to better herself.

Answer 6

This is tough. All parents want to help their kids.18, is young and dumb. Most think they know it all. lol **First thing is first. Is this $9,000 bill on credit cards? If it is. She needs to contact a bank and see about getting a personal loan so she can pay off the credit cards. Most personal loan interest rates are cheaper then credit cards. She should have the bill paid off in about 5 years with out going broke and creating bad credit. Next, cancel all her credit cards, but one. Help her decide which one to keep. Make sure she has a Bank savings account and places $100 in the bank each month. She has to learn to save for the future. I know it’s hard to tell a kid this, but she has to understand why. Please explain to her. Now, she has to learn her actions have consequences. Such as moving out on her own when she was not mentally, or financially ready. Since she moved back in she should pay rent. She’s using your - water, - Eating your food - Doing her wash - Using your phone - Watching your tv - Using your internet connection? $200 is more then fair. At 18, you are no longer reasonable for her. But as a caring parent, not matter how old she is… you will also try to help. Letting her ride for free is not helping. She has to learn reasonability and it starts are home. By her father saying no, to rent. He isn’t helping her. Since he doesn’t want to take her money, DO IT, anyway. Put all the money into a saving account for her, but don’t let her know about it. Guaranteed, she won’t be able to save money and she will be asking you for help. Sooner or later. By you making her pay rent she’s learning life isn’t free and she has to work for what she wants. At the same time, you’re helping her save money. Even though she doesn’t know it. When she ask for money. Take it out of the “ rent “ savings account and make sure she does pay you back. Best of luck to you

Answer 7

The greatest gift that a parent can give to her children is independence - do you agree?

If she insists on her independence, she has to learn that independence has its price. Literally. Being independent is actually taking on responsibililty for her own self and she needs to learn this for herself whether she is at home or away from home.

$200 a month is nothing and is quite fair, I think. Regardless of her debts or not (god, that is a staggering amount for 4 months!) she needs to learn that if we want our independence, we have to pay our rent/mortgage and pay bills at the same time. If you want her to pay rent, then treat her like you would any tenant. No curfews, no limits. Except to pay her rent and keep up with keeping the place tidy just as any tenant would. Charge her whatever you feel is reasonable.

We all have had and still learning from coping and paying for our independence.. She is no exception.

She is still young and I would not mock her or berate her for her mistakes. You will have to treat her as an adult (at this age, she will except to be treated as an adult) with independence. It's not about giving her responsibilities because she is your child and you expect her to do her duties; it's about her learning through her experiences to find her independence,

That is your gift to your child.

Answer 8

Draw up a boarding contract for home.Get it legally signed and she will have to abide by this contract to live at home.How else will she learn to live and pay out bills?She has to do her bit and pitch in..







Draw up a contract and have it legally witnessed and she will have to abide by this boarding contract.To live at home you havetopay your way. In this contract she also needs to save up enough money to pay her debts.She wont learn any way.SURE she needs a time limit to put a dent in her own bills,The other option is while she is home paying off her debts she is expected to do your chores around the house.

Answer 9

I would just tell her the amount she is expected to pay & let her know this is life & if she doesnt pay she will be asked to move.
Have her help out with chores around the house.
Just know that she is just 18 & if she has been let run free as it seems she has , then you can't expect so much from her right now.
Be patient but don't be walked on.

Answer 10

You nailed it, mom. That's exactly what I would do. And I think the time limit is the BEST IDEA. Tough love is a ***** but sometimes it's the only right answer. You can still love her and help her without being a doormat.

Bless you! Good luck!