I've finally admitted to myself that I don't like my father. Is this wrong?

Question

After all these years I've finally managed to put it into words: my dad is a control freak and a bully. He used to hit me regularly but it was his emotional abuse that made my childhood miserable to the point that I used to hide in my room and fantasise that I was adopted and my real family would come and get me soon. I'm now 50 with 3 children, living on the other side of the world, and he is STILL trying to dictate my way of life to me. My mum is 84 and he dominates her completely, always has. She would never say a word against him or go against his orders. He is 83 and used to be a school principal, so he's used to unconditional obedience. I actually found it a huge relief to admit to myself (which I did the other day after one of his insulting, nasty emails) how much I dislike him. But should I ignore his controlling and bullying and carry on phoning and emailing him and my mum just because they're very old and won't be around forever? Or is it okay to just accept my feelings?

Answer 1

Of course not. You must own your feelings. It is society's convention that we blindly "love" those close to us, regardless of how they treat us. I'm surprised it took you so long to breakthrough to accept your real feelings. But I know how you feel, because my own dad was a bit of a pr!ck.

Also a bully, he had enormous feelings of inadequacy that he concealed by treating us all harshly. By 18 I knew he was a wanker and left home - never to return. Of course I kept in touch with my mum, and the rest of the family - even him, but I was living on my own and cared not at all about him. My independence allowed me to be aloof with him, and I treated him without deference. He was just another jerky relative in my family - but nothing more.

From there it got easier to deal with because I stopped feeling guilty for thinking ill of him - he did afterall deserve it, and 2, I raised my own self-esteem. Oddly enough, the less I cared about him the more he respected me.

In your case, I would accept that your mum is the key to staying in touch with them, so you're going to have to put up with a bit of that while she's still alive, but when he's insulting to you, stand up for yourself and simply tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not allow people to treat you that way and if he wants to keep in contact with you, he needs to accept that.

He also should know that he is old and withering, and that unless he begins to behave more civilly towards you, you will cut HIM off emotionally and leave him to fend for himself as old age consumes him.

Then leave him to stew on that - and then stick to your resolve.

He may not do as you want, but it will give you more control over how he treats you in the future. And that will boost your self-esteem. Remember - it's NOT your fault if he's a pr!ck. And he'll have to live with that.

The damage he's done throughout your life, will live on long after he's gone, so you may as well at least begin to reclaim your own life before he's gone. Because after he's gone may be too late.

It may be hard to take a hard line on him because he's gotten away with this for so long, but I assure you that you will feel much better very soon for not allowing this dysfunction to continue.

Ironically, one of the few things I ever learned from my dad that was of any value to me was this, in his own words; "when you encounter a bully, the only thing you can do is to take the steam right out of him. Do it fast and without hesitation or it won't work. Then he'll leave you alone."

Good luck!

Answer 2

OMG! Reading this post is like reading my own exact life story! My parents are of similar age and I have been struggling to come to terms regarding my feelings of dislike for my dad and struggling with the feelings of guilt for a very long time. I too live some distance away but no-one would believe how much a bullying parent can still dictate someones life from afar. Words don't even have to be said, its an in-depth fear. But reading this has made me realise that I am not alone - and neither are you. Its not wrong. Its not our fault. We feel guilty because we feel we MUST love our parents no matter what. I still phone my mum, as yes they are old and won't be around for ever and its not her fault either. I think you and I should just take a deep breath and accept our feelings, hold our heads high and know that what happened in the past was no way our fault and we have our own lives to lead in the future. Good Luck!

Answer 3

It is totally okay to accept your feelings. Your dad at the end of the day is just a man. Just a man like any other man walking down the street. Difference is he supplied sperm to bring you into this world. But that's it. You shouldn't have to go through all that you do because he donated sperm. There's more to being a father than that, and it seems he doesn't make the grade. Distance yourself from him. If he is 83 years old, by todays standards, he could still have a lot of life left in him, and I am sure you don't want to spend another 10-15years going through this? I feel for your mum, and I don't think you should lose touch with her, but you really should stand up to your dad. He has no rights to be such a bully! Go on girl, be strong :) xx

Answer 4

My Stepdad is a great person, when he wasn't drinking. Never laid a hand on me or my brother. Verbally abusive to all 3 of us. Physically abusive to my mom. My mom was a bit of an enabler. Great mother. Love her dearly. She should have left that abusive jerk.

Many years have past and he now regrets who he was. He is no longer the jerk he was. That doesn't really clear either of them of the mistakes they made. I love them both dearly. I will never forgive the man that he was. Or the fool that my mom was. I deal with them both almost daily. I don't begrudge either of them.

I know this all may sound strange. but I see who they are and who they were as different people. My mom is very much the same person, She simply has a kinder gentler husband. Same biological being, Completely different mentality.

I guess what I am saying is. It isn't all your dads fault. She apparently is to blame to let it happen. On the other hand. What harm can he do? I use to have a lot of problems with my Grandmother. She was somehow able to really get on my nerves. I'm not the only one that she knew how to verbally abuse. My relief from her came one day in her living room while she was verbally abusing me yet again. My first thought was to leave and never return. But then I realized. This crazy old bat can't do anything to me. She has lived her life completely apart from mine. She has no bearing on anything I do. She does not effect my existance in any form that I don't allow her to. That was when I knew I could visit her as often as I liked without worrying about getting angry with her ever again. She had lost all her control over me. If she says something that I don't agree with or is a direct attack at me. It is simply words coming from a crazy old lady that was brought up different than myself.

Answer 5

It isn't wrong to dislike your father. If he wasn't a loving person who encouraged you and loved you for who you are, then he cant expect you to like him as a person. My own father left when I was very young and now only has contact as and when he feels like it. As a child it is very difficult to accept that your father is not the person that you want them to be, but as an adult I have learnt to accept it.

From your post I would say that you are reaching this stage and that is perfectly fine. Don't beat yourself up because you don't like him but don't let that dislike turn into hate, as then you run the risk of becoming bitter.

What I would do is think carefully about whether or not you still want contact with him, if you cut contact with him will that mean loosing contact with your mum as well? If that is the case and you don't want to do that then don't. But, keep all contact with him to a minimum. Address your emails to your mum, try and call when you know your mum will answer the phone things like that.

As for his trying to dictate to you how to live your life, you live on the other side of the world so he only has control if you let him... lets face it he cant really pop round and check up on you. He can only control you if you let him and it sounds to me like you don't want to let him.

Concentrate on giving your children the upbringing you so dearly wanted that is what is important, not a bully who thinks he knows what is best for you. Whatever you do decide to do make sure it is what is best for you and your children and good luck.

Answer 6

I have lived with the same situation for the past 40 years. Last March my dad finally passes away. Was it ok to hate him? Yes! As I got older and began living my life how I saw fit he began loosing control over me. I am also married and have 3 children, my wife and children also disliked the man. When he passed I spoke at his funeral, I didn’t pull punches, and I was respectful but honest. You know all of my brothers and sisters; I am the youngest of nine, agreed with what I had to say. A tremendous weight was lifted from the family just because I said that I loved him and yet disliked him. The big family secret was finally out. He was an as* and we all knew it. The thing you need to remember is, it is ok to let yourself respect your dad for what he did for you, and equally ok to dislike him for how he hurt you. If he isn’t proud of you and your decisions in life… tuff!!! It is your life and you should live it how you see fit, so that you and your family will enjoy it and each other. If you do not want to be belittled, block his e-mail, but don’t ostracize your mother because of him. Good luck and know that you are not alone in this, you have your wife and children and there are others out here that have, and still do, deal with this dilemma.

Answer 7

My dad is a complete bully, always was and always will be. I haven't spoken to him for 6 years even though he lives just 10 mins away. I still hear through grapevine that he's still manipulating and bullying so he hasn't changed. He is using his weak heart and the fact he probably won't be around for much longer, as a tactic to get me back into his life. I know I probably should but he's too much of a control freak and I don't need that anymore. I have changed since I met my man, i've grown up and managed to get a voice for myself. I love my life as it is, free of him and with the added ability of being able to do what I like when I like without answering to him. People say you only have 1 dad but that doesn't make it ok for them to treat you like dirt. I still have regular contact with my mum and brothers etc so I don't think i'm missing out. You can get as much advice as you like but only you can decide what you should do. Good luck xx

Answer 8

No it's not wrong at all and you are an adult. You don't have to accept this horrible behavior out of some sort of feeling of obligation
Alot of people don't understand. This isn't a dad who can be crotchety sometimes, this is a hateful abuser who hit and degraded you.
Next time you get an email like that, respond firmly but calmly.
I would tell him you don't appreciate the things he says. Tell him you are an adult and don't have to take his insulting behavior. You will live as you see fit.
Then tell mom that you love her dearly but will no longer put up with your father's ABUSE ( and that's what it is) to keep the peace. How she responds is her choice.
You will be amazed how much better you will feel.

Answer 9

I've said it on Yahoo answers before, my Father was a controlling bully who enjoyed abusing us (physically) when we were children and belittling us when we were young adults. My father had a Victorian upbringing (children were seen and not heard) and he carried it on with us. When he got old and decrepit I used to help out wherever I could, mostly for my Mums sake. He had bullied her all their married life too. At the end he was a frail feeble old man, and I realised I didn't hate him anymore. As soon as I married and moved away I looked at him in a different way. I don't think you should let your Dad control you anymore, tell him if he continues to send abusive emails you will cut all contact with him. Give him a reason to make him start respecting you before it's too late, don't you dare feel guilty you haven't done anything wrong.

Answer 10

Congratulations. You have achieved a level of existence that most humans can't even swing a pole at.

Honesty is the best policy.... especially when dealing with oneself. If you're not honest with yourself, how can you have a truthful interaction with others? I think it's great that you admitted that you don't like your father. Don't let it bother you that he's old or that he's "used" to certain things. It doesn't mean you have to start abusing him back. It just gives you a new, unadulterated view of the situation in all its glorious truth.

Go with your gut. There's a reason it's there (and not just because you've had one too many beers. Ha!)

Answer 11

my goodness... first of all, dude, your sexuality only concerns yourself and you partner. not your father, not your mother, not your siblings. second of all, you need confidence right now, because you're making your life miserable with all this gay *** drama. stop believing in the concept of "coming out." if you had truly accepted yourself, you wouldn't be thinking about it. you'd be telling yourself that you're gay and you're normal. so, you don't have to divulge your sexuality to anybody. it's a personal matter. and if you think that you're normal, well... why are you making such a big deal about it.