Is it unfair to offer to pay for hers and not the other 2? The other 2 can afford it, she really can't. She said to pick someone else...4 months prior to the wedding when everyone already knows who I've chosen. We've been friends since middle school and I really want her in my wedding. Her pride told me not to buy it for her and I don't want to be unfair to the other 2, but I can barely afford what I need for me. Do I let her backout, which would mean my fiance has to drop one of his friends (the 2 groomsmen are brothers)? I can't really ask anyone else at this point. Suggestions?
2007-02-03 15:44:41 · 25 answers · asked by Fiance 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Thanks to everyone for your opinions - I really appreciate it. The dresses have not even been determined. I don't think they should all wear the same dress. In fact, I've told each of them they can pick their own, as long as the color matches. So I have not picked a dress that is too expensive. She's just saying she can't afford anything right now. Which I completely understand as I know her situation. I just didn't know the best way to handle. I too have been in a pinch when asked to be a bridesmaid so I don't expect anyone to buy the same dress, to get their hair and makup done, or to dye their shoes. Just buy a dress of their choice in my color. I'm really just trying to do the best for everyone involved - not just myself.
2007-02-05 04:19:04 · update #1
You don't have to pay for all of her dress just help her out with a little bit of money and maybe someone else would also like to help her out too they will understand.
2007-02-03 15:50:37 · answer #1 · answered by diego 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow! I understand this is your day, but you have really put everyone in a bad spot.
1. You feel you absolutely have to have her in your wedding.
2. You don't want to have an unmatched number of groomsmen and bridesmaids.
3. You can't afford to help her.
4. You picked a dress that was way too expensive for her to be able to afford!
You have been a little too selfish here and show a marked inability to deal with the financial situation of your budget and the burden your "perfect" wedding day is putting on at least one person involved in the wedding.
Bad decisions all around!
Just one note, groomsmen and bridesmaids don't have to be matched. When my brother got married, he wanted all his male friends and one female friend in the wedding. Each bridesmaid was escorted by two guys.
Buy your friend's dress, even if you go into deeper debt to do it.
2007-02-04 03:43:02 · answer #2 · answered by olivia54984 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If your bridesmaids are wearing matching gowns, then I guess she cant wear something else but if they dont have to match, then you can ask her to wear a dress that is the same color as your wedding colors. If you cannot assist her in paying for the gown then you have to let her back out. At least she is informing you months before the wedding rather then when its so much closer to the wedding. Your fiance doesnt have to drop a groomsman -- one bridesmaid can be escorted by 2 groomsmen or you can assign one groomsman to escort female guests to their seats. At my wedding, I had more bridesmaids than groomsmen but I opted to have one bridesmaid walk down the aisle alone, she was the closest to me next to my maid of honor. Dont worry too much because the numbers doesnt have to be equal, its your wedding so you are the boss! Do what works for you and what is practical. If you really want the same number of bridesmaids/groomsmen, then ask another friend to be a bridesmaid. Im sure someone else will be thrilled to be your bridesmaid. Goodluck! Best wishes!
2007-02-03 17:02:09 · answer #3 · answered by pinayinpenn 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing wrong with trying to help out. You can offset the help by giving the girls other forms of help on there end. Like say when they get married or special event.
That is why I don't think it is a good idea to pick specific dresses with a cost for people who are trying to get establish has to pay for and only wear once basically.
I honestly would see if you can allow her to wear a less expensive, but taste dress. I have found soo many bridesmaid dresses with tags still present on them, at goodwill stores and other thrift stores like Ross Dress for less etc. Ranging from $20 to $50. The $45 one with the tag had retail of $120 from David's Bridal still on it. Seriously, consider that.
No need to drop one groom's men. I can't believe people would go that route when simply it is not a big deal on the "off set" of numbers on each side. That be rude to say "oh, she back out and I have to let you go due to that". That is unfair, rude and selfish as the other person set aside time and obviously his own money too.
2007-02-03 22:26:28 · answer #4 · answered by Mutchkin 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tell her that if she was planning on buying you a gift you would much rather her be in the wedding instead. The other 2 need not know if you help her pay for part of the dress. Unfortunately there are more cost to the bridesmaid than a dress i.e. bridal shower, bachorlette party. If she really needs to back out let her and don't let it hurt your friendship, still invite her to the wedding. It will probably hurt your friendship anyways, she should have never excepted in the 1st place if she couldn't afford it.
2007-02-03 15:58:28 · answer #5 · answered by rhonda c 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
One of our groomsmen couldn't afford his tuxedo, so we offered to pay for it. We really didn't have the money either, but we paid for it anyway because it was very important to us that he be a member of our wedding party. If you do decide to help her out, you are not obligated to pay for the other bridesmaids dresses.
I would recommend sitting down with your finance and discuss this issue. Let him know the situation and then the two of you can decide if you are in a position to pay for all or part of the dress. If you do decide to pay for it or contribute towards the cost, sit down and talk with your bridesmaid. Let her know how important it is to you that she be a part of your special day and that the two of you have decided to pay for/contribute toward the cost of the dress if she would still like to particpate. This way she'll still have an out if she really wants to step down.
In the event that you decide you cannot help her with her dress, let her know that you understand her situation and would still like her to participate in your wedding in another capacity if she would still like to take part. She can greet people at the door, help with the guest book, etc. without having to buy a special dress for the wedding.
In the event that she does step down, you do not have to drop one of the groomsmen; there does not have to be an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. For your procession, have your groomsmen enter with the groom single file and then have the bridesmaids enter single file separately. Then during the recessional simply have the last bridesmaid be escorted by 2 groomsmen.
2007-02-03 16:29:16 · answer #6 · answered by Veronica W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The other two wouldn't really even have to know all that much about it. If they're caring people, they should understand anyway. So, don't worry over that issue.
I wonder, tho, if that's the real issue. Is it possible that your friend just wants to back out for other reasons? Maybe she's not comfortable with walking down the aisle in front of a churchful of other people or something?
Maybe she'd be more comfortable handling your guest book and/or keeping track of who brings which gift? That way, she could wear something else.
Whichever groomsman that would have to be dropped could be an usher, or something to do with the reception.
2007-02-04 00:27:24 · answer #7 · answered by kiwi 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
How expensive is the dress?!
If its not too late i would look for alternate dresses, or offer to pay half/full price for depending on what you can afford. I have been a BM many times and I'm always short on cash but manage to find a way to pay for my dresses.
I wouldn't put her in a different (cheaper) dress then the other two it wouldn't make her feel a part of the wedding day at all.
2007-02-03 19:02:32 · answer #8 · answered by Elephant 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like you are not being a friend to her. If you all are Friends in the bridal party help her out. After all isn't that what friend are for. If you all chip in a little extra then it would not be a big expense on 1 person. Is it fair to kick her out of the wedding because of her financial position? I do not think it was easy for her to have to say she could not afford it. What is more important the money or your friendship...
2007-02-07 08:55:22 · answer #9 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let her back out gracefully. Its ok if your wedding party isnt even. The best thing you can do for her is not to embarass her more than she probably already is. Speak with her and figure out an excuse to come up with that will make her shine in the best light. And when people ask, stick with the explaination you both came up with, no one needs to know the truth.
One other thing, this is a money issue, not a case of her being a bad friend. She has come to you honestly and told you that even though she would love to do this, she just cant at this juncture. Dont make her feel any more badly than she already doen, in fact you should assure her that she shouldnt feel badly at all.
Best of luck
2007-02-04 00:54:25 · answer #10 · answered by kateqd30 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would either offer to help split the cost or pay for all of the dress. If the others can afford it then they should understand. If the dress is the only reason that she can't participate why not help her out so she can be apart of your big day.
2007-02-03 18:36:49 · answer #11 · answered by littlefoot 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋