Family Crisis... They Can't Move On With Their Lives?

Question

We are six in our family. (2sons (23, 27), 2 daughters(20, 28), Mom + Dad). I have moved out of the house permanetly to study (in graduate school - I am the 23 year old). But my older brother and two sisters can't seem to get on with their lives. None of them are in school since finishing high school (except my older sister who stopped after her bachelors) They all work at dead end jobs. My brother owes my mother 6000 dollars, and refuses to pay her back, claiming he has too much debt. My two sisters have stopped talking to my mother and seculed themselves in their rooms. Everytime I call my mother, she keeps telling me she is worried that they will never be able to stand on their own two feet. The friction between my siblings and mother has resulted in constant heated fighting. I try to tell my mom to kick them out of the house and let them fend for themselves, but she can't, claiming it will be an embarassment, and the family will be 'disinhonored' in our community...what to do?

Answer 1

kick them out!!!! {of the house}

Answer 2

Hi. Sometimes it's hard to look at things objectively when we're too tied up emotionally...sometimes when it's family, it's hard to be objective. SO let's break things down a little bit and see if we can't take a bird's eye look here:

First of all, it's very good that you've had some success in your life. You're in grad school, and that's something to be proud of. However, when you are out of school facing challenges, you may hit some rocky times of your own. You don't want to alienate or disengage from your family now--it's not worth that. We all go through seasons of life...sit back and let the seasons change.

You've got to separate what you can do something about from what is really not your situation to deal with. Your brother's six thousand dollar debt to your mother, for example, is none of your business. Yes, I know that that's your mother...but he is also her son, and if she chooses to let him keep the money until his circumstances improve, what is that to you? Stay out of that one.

Your younger sister, the twenty-year old, is not too old to still be living at home, and she may not have been ready to start college before this. People grow up at different rates, and not everybody is going to be like you. Rather than making this into a family fight, why don't you do "the brother thing" by getting her to visit you at college. While she's there, see if you can't entice her into considering getting started. Talk to her about financial aide options, let her visit a couple of classes with you...try to get her to see the side of academic life that would make her think "yeah, I could do this...".

That leaves the 28-year old, who should be paying rent and helping out with groceries and utilities...but again, Bro...that's not your problem to contend with. What you CAN do is be a voice of reason for your mother when she calls and tries to commisserate with you about it. Try to unemotionally discuss options with her and give her some choices to consider (but do not, under any circumstances, let her get you in the middle of things). Remind her that if they are disrespecting her or causing her problems, that she can simply set a reasonable date on the calendar when they'll have to be out (at least the two older ones). If she says that bit about the family being "dishonored", say "Oh, BALONEY, Mom!!" (because it really it a bunch of baloney--the one's who know you well enough to form an opinion will probably applaud, and if they don't, then their opinion doesn't matter). Don't let her hide behind that cop out.

Answer 3

You are saying that your family consists of your parents,you,and another brother,and two sisters. you say that you are the only one that has moved out of your house,to study in Graduate School, but your other siblings are still living at your Parents, house.I won't mention the rest of what you wrote but, I will answer your question. First of all why does your Mother, tolerate your Sisters, attitude, and about your Brother, if he owes a lot of money to your Mother and does not want to pay it, why doesn't she tell him, and your sisters to find somewhere else to live because if they do not want to abide by hers,and your father's rule, they do not appreciate them or repect them as they should, they deserve what ever your Mother and Father decide to do. I am a Mother of seven kids who are all Married with Families of their own,and yes, some of them ask their father to lend them some Money,and that they will pay it back next Mo. so what my husband, does is make them, sign a paper stating that they will pay the money in a mos. and they always do. But, in your case your problem is very serious,. Your Mom, should not worry as to what the community will think of your Family, what goes in your house is nobody's business but your Parents, and if there are problems between your siblings and your parents, it is your Parents business what to do about it. I hope that your Mother would be able to put her foot down with her kids, and make them see that they are old enough to fend for themselves and should find somewhere else to live.

Answer 4

How did you become the only one who wanted to move on?

The problem is that your parents have not set some ground rules and are "allowing" this to continue. It is their home, not their children's ...and I have seen this kind of situation before. Sometimes it is so bad the parents have to move to make things change....like to a senior place where the siblings can't live.

But they shouldn't have to do this....they need the courage...your Mom and Dad to make a stand together...and a deadline.

Like they have so much time to find a place to live....they can get a room mate, or do it together.....

And your mom is wrong....it is an embarrassment to have children who are so lazy and non-responsible...she needs to give them a deadline and stick to it.

If your parents can't do this, they can do the extreme and move themselves...then your siblings will have to decide what to do....if they do this, they need to pick a place where it is impossible for them to live because they will try!

Letting this go on will only make it worse later.

At one time I had a nephew who tried to put us, his aunt and uncle in the same kind of position. We put our place up for sale and he didn'[t get the message until we were moving out the door...kept thinking we would give in. We finally said...."find a friend to room with....or here's a couple of groups you can call.....it was the only thing that worked. He had to learn to get responsible. Your siblings are in the same position...tell you parents to "help them" find themselves!

Answer 5

Make an offer to be with/take your parents to a counseling session for the family (namely --- so that they can get help in the transition to being Empty-Nesters and stop being Co-Dependent with the other children).

You can do this via Religious Counselors, Family Counselors, Therapists, or their own doctors.

Sounds like they need some help in "letting go" ... and learning that the BEST parents are those that give their children (ALL of them) the ABILITY to finalize their transition into adulthood .. and yes, this means "TOUGH LOVE" of having to KICK them OUT of the home and start forcing them to LIVE and SUPPORT themselves (which means that with ADULT age comes the RESPONSIBILITY for ADULT Consequences of their Actions (which can include being homeless if they so choose) or Benefits (which can be successful careers and positions and being responsible HOMEOWNERS and Adults on their own).

The 'FRICTION' should be already a "Wake-up Call" to your parents .. and yes, that is the SIGN that they need to put their feet down and TELL each of your OTHER SIBLINGS it is TIME to move on .. we have had enough, we've SACRIFICED enough, and yes, at OUR Age ... it is TIME for US to ENJOY our retirement years!

Answer 6

You can't really do anything. If your mom continues to let them stay in her house and be lazy then the situation will never change.Your mom will have to be the one to make the changes needed to make the situation better. If she won't kick them out there's nothing you can do about it. It sounds like you are the only smart one out of the bunch so make sure that you keep a good head on your shoulders and study hard to make a good life for yourself. Good luck.

Answer 7

Oh baby, that is a problem. Personally, I think Mom needs to move into senior complex for a year or two to get the bums out. She's only giving them their excuses. Who cares in the end what the community thinks? Don't you think they're already saying what losers they are? How can Mom ever talk about them? What have they done for her to be proud of? Mom needs to get rid of those rose colored glasses. DON'T TAKE AFTER YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS. GOOD LUCK IN SCHOOL!!!

Answer 8

Tell your mother that the community is probably already talking about the fact that grown kids are still living in her house. So, she needs to get over that. I think she is using that as an excuse. She just doesnt want to kick her kids out. No one wants to see their kids suffer. But, if she doesnt force them to stand on their own two feet, they never will.

Answer 9

Jordan... you're a tremendous 18 year previous (?). Your questions are continuously in an portion of cutting-edge time and realities. Up until eventually about 6 weeks in the past I felt that my existence change into only a stroll contained in the park! I had accepted complications because of having a teenage son with huge complications, and a lengthy distance courting with my bf. impulsively it appeared that the earth took a unexpected swap on its axis and the finished united states of america...the finished international, began to handle an finished stinky sense. I actually have not in any respect been one to provide in to melancholy or weak point. contained in the previous 6 weeks i have not in any respect felt so "sick"... emotionally and mentally (2 of an identical??). My bf fell into an identical hollow, merely in a countless position so we merely about lost one yet another. My son grew to change into worse. countless my pals began to come back unglued via monetary, kinfolk, and heart felt losses. i'm right this moment pulling myself out. My bf and that i are sticking as close as a threat to get through it... my son and that i are in counseling.. my pals and that i are conserving as close contact as a threat. back, you're spectacular... have you ever been affected? or do you merely have this incredible perception? what's your route? should be some type of social provider... thanks for being you Jordan.

Answer 10

Stay Out of it and just be there for your mom it will bite the others in the *** later!!! and you will be the one that made something of themselves and made her proud, your mom only has herself to blame for letting them run her life. Yes she needs to put her foot down and kick them all out, but she won't so you need to just stay clean and on her good side.. take her on a vacation with out them and talk to her alone and tell her that she can do it, it's ruining her life and she needs most not to be sent to an early grave.. Good Luck you'll need it where is you father in all this?

Answer 11

Embarrassment and dishonored is one thing but taking responsibility for your own actions is another she is letting them buy with this and until she decides to take a stand they will just keep doing it Good Luck