10 yrs and I'm still angry with life after death of 16 year old daughter?

Question

it will be the 10th annivesary of my daughters death on the 12 feb, I am still angry with life and with myself for not being able to make her well, I have struggled with life and lonliness since she went, when I was 22 I lost a girlfriend of 5years she was 19y.o. I was a single father after splitting from my kids mother when my son was 10 and daughter was 9, my son still lives with me and now is 27, I find it hard to have a relationship with a woman for fear of losing them again, I have been on many different anti-depressants in the last 10 years and been off and on at work, sometimes I get real low and have tried to commit suicide twice, how can I get out of this rut and find someone to share my life without me getting so negative

Answer 1

It's hard for people to get through things like this even if it does take 10 years, but you are evidently in need of some guidance.
See a psychiatrist, they can help you learn new ways to have relationships and get rid of that fear along with how to deal with the death of your daughter after all this time.
Medication is never the correct answer, medication should only be used as a small help in these problems but you don't seem to have a chemical imbalance you are using medications for the wrong reason, they're just a way to mask your problems but you will never get rid of your problems this way.
You need to find a new way to deal with these problems by taking steps to change how your life is currently.
Don't give up on life, ask friends and family if they know of any good psychiatrists in the area they can help you learn how to deal with your problems and how to get back into having relationships without the anxiety, you don't deserve to be unhappy.

Answer 2

It sounds like that all she wants is her friend back. It really doesn't sound like she's 'wanting' to be a druggie; the stress got to her, as it would to many people in her situation. I'd say that you give her a period of being grounded. Afterwards, let her spend time with her best friend. Despite the fact that the friend does do what she does, she was still a critical person in your daughter's life. Maybe you can allow the friend to come over to the house, and either you or your husband keep an eye on them, make them hang out in the living room, or her bedroom with the door wide open. And help her out with the stress. See if there's anything that she can drop. See if you can reduce her chores around the house so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed.

Answer 3

Hi! I'm sorry for your loss. I have lost two brothers, my mom my dad, two close girlfriends, these are just a few but too lose a child has to be the hardest thing ever. I don't even want to conceive that thought. I don't know what to tell you. I myself feel you never get over losing some one you loved and care about. I try to think of where they are. That they are in no pain, and are so happy. To remember them is to keep their memory alive. Do we ever get over it? No, we learn to live with it because we have no choice. You have a son, even if he is 27 he still needs you. I hate not having my parents. How, would he feel without you? Killing yourself would make someone else feel like you are. I know you don't want that for someone you love. Your not opening up to love again for fear of loss. What if that doesn't happen? Then you are missing out on something special. God Bless You. I think your daughter would want her dad to be happy.

Answer 4

It sound like you have not received any good support way back when al this first started. You may not have depression as the problems you have had to deal with would naturally cause severe feelings of loss and failure. Having pills thrown at you is not the right answer, you should have support for emotional needs and how you view these events. I would suggest if you contact a bereavement service (if in the UK it's called 'cruse'.) It will be a good starting point for you to talk through the death with people who have been there and survived and now help people just like you. It will do you good to revisit your thinking on the situation and talk openly about it with others who know how you feel. You will learn to look at this differently and start to heal after grieving properly. Don't think about it, ditch the pills and start talking.

Answer 5

Start with the front door. You live with your son let him go . You are depressed and need to learn what makes depression and not keep making more depression. The dead are in heaven but we need to keep learning new things about life. Focus on keeping a job and drop the medications so you can think again. If you can keep a job , build a home with stable life activities and try to meet new people you will find another partner ready for you . No woman can rely on some person who is weak in all he does. This question you wrote is a beginning for getting you organized again. Put your ideas on paper and keep a diary. You are so close to happiness believe me.

Answer 6

I understand what you saying, and it's ittle wonder after all you've been through you are feeling depressed and sad.

Before you can get into a successful, healthy relationship, though, you need to look at making yourself feel better. I say this as someone who has suffered depression for a long time and has been through a string of failed relationships because I expected falling in love with someone to make me feel better - it didnt. All that happened was that I brought my problems into the relationship.

Have you spoken to your doctor about seeing a counsellor or therapist to help you look at the root causes of your depression? If not, or if you have tried this already and it hasn't helped, I can suggest one alternative recommended to me by a friend.

There is a book called The Journey by a lady called Brandon Bays that has ways of getting to the root of physical and emotional problems, and it's well worth a read, or go to www.thejourney.com

The fact you recognise the cycle you're in and that you want to get out of it is a good thing, and you will do it if you want it enough.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

nobody gets through this life without serious
trouble at times,you certainly have had your share, but my best suggestion is try to be as happy as possible one day at a time,not tommorrow just today, don`t look back,looking
back will not solve any problem. Most parents
feel guilty about things that happen to their children,mainly because we feel as though we
should be able to protect them,but really that
just not possible. You probably did the best you
could have done. Find somebody that needs help and put your energy into that endeavor.Good luck.

Answer 8

I've lost both of my children. My first lived only 1 hour and 48 minutes. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Until I lost my second daughter, who was 24 at the time. That's been over 10 years ago. I lost a great job, been in therapy, went to support groups, you name it I did it. I know of the anger you are going through, maybe not for the same reasons. Two men could have saved her but didn't. Nothing was done to them. I, like you, was on many different anti-depressants. One day, I just said no more medication. I tried moving away to run from the pain, but it followed me. My friends didn't know what to say to me, nor did my family (what was left of them), so I was really on my own. Nobody can relate, they don't know what to say to you. I had one person tell me they knew how I felt because they had lost a dog, and that was like a child to them. She meant no harm, I know that, but the comparison was unexplainable. This year at Christmas, I did ok for the first time in years. Don't get me wrong, the pain and heartache will never go away, and I will mourn for her for the rest of my life. What got me through was my strong belief in God, and knowing that one day, we will be together. I'll be able to hold my first daughter (and see her for the first time!). I'll be reunited with both of my children. Suicide is NOT the answer. The pain that you will leave behind is something you don't want your family and friends to deal with. Not long after I lost my 2nd daughter, I got married to the wrong man... someone I thought could fill that horrible void. It was a disaster, to say the least. I got away from the creep. But, I also learned a lesson (albeit expensive). Until you are mentally healthy, don't look for a serious relationship. Look only for a good friend that will stand by you and let you mourn in your own way. There is no time limit on how long you should mourn, no matter what anyone will tell you. I've done volunteer work, and found that I am not the only one with problems. You might consider doing volunteer work, and, if you believe in prayer and God, get yourself into a good church. Anger is part of the grieving process, and you need to learn how to channel your anger. I pull weeds (in the warmer weather). One person asked if that was my new way of mowing my lawn! I tore every single weed I could find right out of the ground, if it took all day and all night. In colder weather, I clean house. You may want to go build a birdhouse or something that you can hammer nails into. Beating that nail with a hammer will release a lot of anger and energy. I have a friend whose daughter was murdered (she was 8 months pregnant at the time and the baby died, too). She drove to a remote area and screamed and cried, and beat her steering wheel until it broke. Later, she founded a support group. Look around and you will find you are not the only one to lose a child and are hurting, so you might consider starting your own support group. Every holiday, get a helium balloon, write your daughter's name on it and a message to her from you, then release it. By the way, I lost my first husband when I was in my 20s, so I know what it is to lose those you love. It's awful, and you wonder if you will make it, or, why you should. But don't give up and quit. You have a purpose in life, and you need to find that purpose. If you want someone to talk with that can relate, let me know and I will send you my email address. But don't give up. I keep the serenity prayer and Footsteps in the Sand close by and read them every single day. If you can't make it day to day, make it minute by minute. Hang in there. Stop listening to sad music. When you are down, call someone (anyone). Don't rush into a relationship because you are lonely and miss your daughter. Take your time. Go slow. I promise you, things will be ok.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Have you looked into therapy? There are also group support programs for people just like you that have lost a child. Contact any health professional or a church and they will guide you in the right direction.
I am not going to tell you I understand how you feel, I have 2 teenagers myself and luckily they are both healthy young adults.
God Bless you.

Answer 10

wow babe I feel for you so much. 6 years ago my son aged 29 hung himself. I knew he was going to do it but didnt know when or where. I have so much pain thats rips through me sometimes, because I feel I should have watched him and stopped him, but I am learning to feel that it was what he wanted and respect his wishes. I have also tried suicide and really it isnt the way to go, they wouldnt want us to do it. I am just in the process of building a new relationship after my last broke up, mainly because of the grief, I believe that my son would have wanted me to do this and be happy. We can never forget but we can believe in the future. Babe best wishes and try for it, you cant loose everytime. Lots of love and best wishes Pauline.