advice needed for major family issue on wedding day?

Question

my parents divorced in1993 and have never been civil to one another since. my mum has alot of hatred towards my dad as he was unfaithful to her on many occasions and she also blames him for the death of my brother in 1994. my brother was killed in a car crash and although my dad wasn't driving, his alcoholic girlfriend was. After this event, my dad was never really around as a father figure and we drifted apart. my dad & i have become alot closer over the past year or so. i love my dad to pieces despite everything and he is now constantly trying to make it up to me after all the wrong he has done & the time we spent apart. i know he regrets everything. my mum blames him for the loss of her son and cannot forgive him.to cut a long story short my mum wants to give me away and wouldn't forgive me if i didn't let her but at the same time i really want my dad to give me away, what to do? what do you think about both of them giving me away? Although my mum would strongly oppose this.....help

thank you everyone for your advice. this problem keeps me awake most nights! your advice is much appreciated, i'm going to approach my mum to ask her about letting my dad give me away too. thanks for your time and well wishes.

Answer 1

I am so sorry your experiencing this on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Coming from a family that thrives on drama, I feel your pain.

First question to ask yourself, does your mom have a friend, pastor, or trusted adviser that you can confide in about the problem to have a chat with her? If so, maybe an intermediary can speak with your mother on your behalf to explain how you feel. If no one comes to mind, I would recommend that you go to a counselor and hopefully your mother could come and the three of you could discuss it.

My family is drama so the above scenario would not work for mine. Another tact you could do is either speak directly to your mom or through a letter how important this day is to you and that you want the two individuals who brought you in this world to share the day together.

If this doesn't work, you will have a very tough decision to make. A decision no bride needs to make on her wedding day. Since your dad feels so bad about the past, he may be the most rational one. I would explain that your mothers wounds are so deep that she is not in a place to forgive him. Additionally, his presence will only bring heartache which in turn would ruin the day for you. Your father, if he is a mature individual will understand. I would then video tape the wedding, have someone bring his picture and share the moment with him for years after.

Again, I share in your pain and hope that your mothers heart will heal. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

This is YOUR day and should be done the way you want it done!! You cannot please everyone all the time, especially on that day. If you really want your Dad to give you away at the wedding, then have him do it if he is willing. Your Mom might not like it, but she will have to accept it!! Or, if they are both willing and can get along for the duration, then yes, have them both give you away. Do what you really want to do in your heart-parents will love you regardless of what you choose (or at least they should!!) OK, so he was not the best Dad, but which of us really does the best for our kids all the time? And your Mom would forgive you, she just wouldn't like it is the main thing. Good luck, and Congratulations on the up-coming wedding!!

Answer 3

Have both your parents give you away. Your mum raised you don't slap her in the face by not including her. Have a little faith, my husbands parents were divorced for 18yrs. My mother in law hated my father in law. Remember this is your day, Tell your mum, regardless of what he did to her he is still your father and she needs to set aside her personal feelings although valid for that one day. She can go back to having hatred toward him the day after the wedding.

Answer 4

I am in a very similar situation with my parents. My mom insists on walking me down the aisle, but there is still a part of me that would feel bad not having my dad as well. So I am going to ask both of them to walk me down. My mom won't speak to my dad's wife, so I am just very careful in the planning where to seat everyone and make sure that they aren't on top of eachother so things go smoothly. My mom opposed too when I told her. I told her that if she didn't stop with the attitude and stressing me out, then my fiance and I would just elope. It worked...She's agreed to accept it and be civil. Just remember, this is your day and you need to do what makes you happy.

Answer 5

Skip the part about being given away. Just walk down the aisle by yourself as an independent and proud woman. I've seen it done and it didn't detract from the ceremony at all. Good Luck

Answer 6

It was there divorce not yours. Tell that to mom loud and clear !
You have no obligation to carry there left over baggage at all.
After 14 years of separation it might be time for some one to grow up a little them self and move forward.
This is YOUR day , they had there day long ago.
He is your father, the father gives the bride not mom.

Answer 7

This wedding day is yours. Not there time to bicker at eachother nor blame you for taking "sides".

Explain that this is a special day for you and you are going to expect her and him to put on their best behavior. Not right to put you in the middle and be stressed on a day that is suppose to be your happy day.

If she opposes and causes a lot of conflict on something that you want to have in your wedding, I honestly say she should be given an ultramatum. Either she puts on good behavior for 1 day (not even 24 hours worth) or she doesn't come at all............that is me.

Answer 8

This is your day and should be your choice. Stand firm in what you want. I wanted my dad to walk me down the isle, but my mom told me that she wouldn't come if he came. So I had my stepdad do it. Even though I love my stepdad - I have always regretted not standing firm and having my dad do it. He missed out because of my mom! That is not fair! Glad you and your dad have patched things up!

Answer 9

I know how you feel. I was raised by my grandparents. So when it came time for my wedding I had both of my grandfathers give me away instead of my parents. I had two people give me away and so can you. Both of your parents can walk you down and stand up to give you away. Times have changed and there is no set rule to who or how many give you away.

Answer 10

tell them that this day is about you not them. they can suck it up for one day or they dont really care about your happiness. hatred only hurts the one hating. let them both walk you down the isle and then go sit on opposite sides of the building.also you being able to forgive is amazing. your mom doesnt have to forget or forgive just tolerate for a couple hours.