(love)
in a month ive seen sunsets, sunrises, and the new moon
but i havent seen a single thing as butifeul as you
for you my heart aches
this love i i feel isnt fake
and if i cant see you then with a sigh
i will most likely fall over and die
by:helpless
2007-02-03 09:31:09 · 15 answers · asked by Dal3y 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I suggest calling her beautiful not butifuelelakfelaflksdf;aslfj;awelrjfalewjrl;afjadsl;fjl;awejrtla;ejtal;lsfjaldsfjl;waetjlawerjalfjsdalfjal f, and the line about dying would make me laugh, if I were a girl.
2007-02-03 09:34:09 · answer #1 · answered by parrotsandgrog 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's really cute, in a funny cheesy sort of way (the kind of thing that makes you laugh and say "awwww"), but if you really want a penetrating heart-wrenchingly love-filled poem, you may want to consider:
1. let go of the rhymes. Rhyming cuts out a lot of word choice, and it's not as important as selecting the words that are the most powerful or accurate. It's rare that such words will rhyme well in a poem, so unless you've got ages to hunt down beautiful yet rhyming words, let them go.
2. Beauty is good, but there are many other things about her I'm sure you love. Include more-- her smile, her eyes, how you feel when you're together.... Makes it deeper and more personal.
3. No death. it's sort of creepy, not too poetic, not something she'd want to hear. just. no death.
But if the "haha awwwww" reaction is what you were going for, your poem is too cute.
2007-02-03 17:43:27 · answer #2 · answered by rawrr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, use spellcheck
Second, rhyme isn't the only thing that makes a good poem.
The above looks like a bad Bon Jovi song (redundant I know, cause all Bon Jovi songs are bad).
And unless you are 100% sure the girl likes poems, best not to lead off with this.
2007-02-03 17:42:03 · answer #3 · answered by zaphodsclone 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Loved the beginning but the end seems kind of thrown together. I agree with everyone that you should revise the die part. It kinda makes you sound desperate and clingy.
2007-02-03 17:46:28 · answer #4 · answered by Summer 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Personally I think it is not very good, but I am very picky.
How about
Your beauty surpasses the sunrise
you have truly touched my heart
I see stars when I look in your eyes
and miss you when we are apart
2007-02-03 17:37:36 · answer #5 · answered by crct2004 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great start, but it needs work. It also need much better spelling.
Keep at it, I think you may be able to make this into something good.
2007-02-03 17:35:33 · answer #6 · answered by Mia R 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is beautiful, I love it, it really expresses how you feel, i'd let her know how you feel. Good Luck Hun!
2007-02-03 17:36:55 · answer #7 · answered by tommi_ghurl_2006 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first off, you spelled beautiful wrong. And second, it sounds really cheesy and desperate that you wrote this poem. Just to let you know.
2007-02-03 17:37:26 · answer #8 · answered by Qu'est ce que tu penses? 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
nice poem....http://www.poetry.com
forget the die part, that aint love.
i will most likely want to cry
2007-02-03 17:35:33 · answer #9 · answered by sunflare63 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its Good!
2007-02-03 17:45:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋