My 12 year old stepdaughter is turning our house upside down with her temper tantrums and hateful words. We ground her, take things away but nothing changes. She is in therapy already to help her learn to deal with her temper. Does anyone have any suggestions to help improve this situation?
2007-02-03 04:33:36 · 8 answers · asked by peach 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Hi, Peach!
Do you remember how awful being twelve was? I do.
You're not a child, and not a grown up and hey, you're not even a teenager yet. You have to struggle everyday with all the hormones that are starting to party in your body and live knowing that everyday is going to bring new emotions that you don't know how to deal with....and in her case, her real mom isn't there to say 'Hey, you're going to be alright'.
It's a scary age, and unfortunately the next few years are going to be rough.
I don't agree with everyone who said give her Ritalin or other medications- they aren't necessary...she is just a normal 12 year old.
I notice that you said you ground and take things away from her, but she needs more positive reinforcement than negative punishment. So, try rewarding rather than criticising and giving earned privileges when she is exhibiting behaviour that you like.
Make sure that you keep lines of communication open as far as you can, and let her spend some time with her friends so that she can vent with others who understand her.
2007-02-03 05:10:13 · answer #1 · answered by ♥Pamela♥ 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Rewards and positive reenforcement are always better, so find smeothing a good school grade etc to praise her on. Even if is jsut she folds her clothes etc.
However communication is the KEY.
Ask her to please sit down and talk . Let her know she can tell you anything not matter what. Ask what is bothering her? Why?
Be sure to validate her feelings no matter what she says, and do not let her fears or problems upset you. She may be afraid if she connects wtih your family unit it may somehow make her feel that she is not showing love for her mother. It is hard for a child to be stplit between families and she need love more than anything.
Do not yell or raise your voice,no matter what she says. Yes she is 12, but she is a child and they lash out sometimes, even when that is nto what is really in her heart.
She feels the way she feels and if you say it is trivial it will make it worse. Ask what the problem is , and then ask her what she thinks will fix the problem. Work on it together.
Let her know, not matter what she says or does she has a loving home and you will be there for her forever.
May your home be blessed wtih peace.
2007-02-03 05:21:20 · answer #2 · answered by noblelady 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am not a stepparent, but I had stepparents. She is needing more attention from the parent. She wants to make sure that she is still #1 or at least the kids are #1. She needs one on one time.
2007-02-03 06:02:06 · answer #3 · answered by Pamelab 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, sounds like you have already taken the most constructive route in helping your situation. I would guess that part of this is going to happen because she is a 12 year old girl.
One suggestion that I would make is to consider placing her in tae kwan do. I know it might sound silly, but I have my son in a class. While he's only 6, he isn't too phased by time outs, or taking away of toys. What does have an impact on him is how his behavior might affect his ability to test for his next belt.
All the kids have to turn in a weekly sheet to the instructor where they indicate that they have done various activities, i.e., contributed to the housework, respectful to parents, personal hygiene, completed homework, etc. The parents have to sign off on the sheet indicating that what the kid checked is correct/true. If my son is being disrespectful, then I let him know that I won't mark this off on his sheet and that he has the power, through his actions, to show me that he is respectful and deserving of this acknowledgment. If the kids are missing marks on their weekly sheets, then the instructor reinforces this message in class. Kids who do not follow the sheet - are in jeopardy of not testing for the next belt. Might be worth considering?
Other than that, I would suggest thinking of what is really important to her and let her know that all her activities are a privilege and that she runs the risk of losing all privileges if she doesn't change her attitude. I would then continue to plan fun activities that she wants to participate in have her stay at home or with a baby sitter while you enjoy the activity. Then let her know that she can choose to join you if she wants by changing her actions.
2007-02-03 04:56:06 · answer #4 · answered by Neenah 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Maybe she is resentful toward you because you are not her bio mom, or maybe she wants more attention from her father. In her world you are the intruder, you are the reason her parents are not together. If there are other children in the household she may feel neglected. Also, children are masters in pitting one adult against the other, especially when they reach adolescence. Let her father handle the discipline. Your job is to take a tacit role and step back and support your husband. Good Luck.
2007-02-03 04:51:27 · answer #5 · answered by Ti 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take everthing single thing away from her except her bed, dresser, clothes, toothbrush, soaps. Tell her she has to behave and earn it back. And make her start doing some chores. I'm telling you, I know someone that did that, and it was perfectly. Kids get bored real fast if they don't have ANY of their luxuries. But, you have to be ready for her to freak out initially. She will probably thow a huge fit, and ya'll will get in a huge fight, but stand your ground. Good luck!
2007-02-03 08:39:50 · answer #6 · answered by mommyof2 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am having the same problems with my step-daughter, You name it we have tried it. We are going to try counseling and we were thinking about some type of medication, as much as i don't really agree with it she needs something to calm her down before i snap lol
2007-02-03 04:43:17 · answer #7 · answered by sunniej1977 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Get her checked for ADD or ADHD, it sounds to me like she could use some ridilin!
2007-02-03 04:38:46 · answer #8 · answered by Mrs. Novak 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋