My fiancee cheated on me, what should i do?

Question

we are both 21 and have been dating for five years and were due to get married in may. she just told me she had a one nighter with a guy from high school. i still love her very much and am devastated. we live together and have agreed to spend the next week apart to do some personal reflecting on the relationship. she has said that we aren't prepared to get married now and i have agreed with her on that because she is still in school and i recently graduated but don't have a job yet. i just don't know how i can forgive her for what she has done to me but i truly want to be with her. any real advice would be nice.

we are both 21 and have been dating for five years and were due to get married in may. she just told me she had a one nighter a week ago with a guy from high school. i still love her very much and am devastated. we live together and have agreed to spend the next week apart to do some personal reflecting on the relationship. she has said that we aren't prepared to get married now and i have agreed with her on that because she is still in school and i recently graduated but don't have a job yet. i just don't know how i can forgive her for what she has done to me but i truly want to be with her. any real advice would be nice.

Answer 1

Sorry!

This will be hard for both of you, she can’t be proud of herself and you are feeling betrayed. A point in her favor is that she told you about it, which although it hurts can only be a good thing. Imagine marrying someone who does this and keeps it a secret!

Take some time to reflect, more than a week and really work out if you are both ready for this life long commitment. You have the rest of your lives, what’s a few months really going to matter.

And if you do decide to give it a try, make sure she understands that cheating on you means that she is really cheating herself. She has to earn your trust and hold her accountable for as long as you need to feel safe again. Don’t use this to punish her, if you choose to forgive her, then do just that and don’t remind her of her infidelity at every turn. And I don’t mean close your eyes and thin it won’t happen again. Make her earn your trust and then give it completely!

We all make mistakes, she owned up to hers! Now give her a chance to make it right! If she doesn’t want to, then you know what to do.

Answer 2

I think that your both right, at this point your age is a factor , and the fact that she cheated is another factor. Its great that you will spend time apart to reflect on several issues. You can take this time to get a job, and concentrate on yourself and your future. At some point you have to forgive her for what she did , if you don't it will continue to control you , and your thoughts and consume you. Forgiveness is a must in order to go forward in life. your going to have to make peace with this within yourself, so when you come together again that this won't be an issue that will tear you apart, and you must never throw this in her face for the mistake that she made.

Answer 3

you need to do some serious soul searching and decided if you can truly forgive her. If you can, that's great, move on and try to move forward, but postpone the wedding until she's finished school and you're working. But if you can't forgive, you both need to move on. I'm of the opinion Once a cheat, always a cheat. We've all been tempted at one point or another, but many people choose to be faithful to their partner. Will this become a patern with her? Only you know in heart what to do.
Best of luck!

Answer 4

when someone cheats it is a hard thing my husband cheated on me 5 years ago we have two children we separated for almost two years because of it but we have been back together now for over a year. the only thing you can do is you either have to forgive her and move on or you dont there is no in between because then your relationship will never be good because you will hold it against her forever that is what i was trying to do but you really have to make a choice do you love her enough to let it go or do you know that it is something that will be in your shadow only you can decide she cant do it for you good luck to you it really is a hard thing to cope and you also have to know in your heart it was truely a mistake for her and she wont do it again you dont want to get married and 5 years down the road she cheats again so really think about your future with her you have many hard choices to make!!! good luck

Answer 5

If it was me, I'd consider that a deal-breaker! It's clear she's not ready for a relationship and honestly it doesn't sound like you are either (financially). I'd end it with her, seek out some non-romantic relationships/friendships that can help you grieve and heal and move on in your life. When you date again, have fun and look at it as an experiement on finding what type of woman you'd like to be with. "Finding a Date Worth Keeping" by Dr. Henry Cloud is a great book on the subject of dating. Good luck!

Answer 6

These actions are a ***huge glaring** sign that this relationship has run it's course. You will always love her, and that's fine. But, at 21 you still have time to move on, spend some time alone, find a new girl and grow into a newer, loving relationship that will be pure at it's core. By cheating on you, she has contaminated the relationship. And that stuff is like radioactive material, it never goes away.

Answer 7

Well I know that in this situtation I to had cheated on my bf, it happened one time and there was alcohol and a person i thought i could call a friend involved, who had taken advatage of me... I am asking you DO you love her?
I am 21 and he is 20 I hurt the person who cared more about me in this world than anyone and I am sincere in my appologize IT SHOULD'VE NEVER happened i was stupid to put myself in that place, I love him and I am sure she loves you, it will take time, a relationship takes work and all i have to say is try not no give up on her... unless she wants you too! I am ashamed of myself for doing it and then not telling him.. I didnt tell anyone... This recently happened and i need advice just like yourself... I am sorry if i didnt help any, but how would you feel if you knew you gave up?

Answer 8

DONT BE TOGETHER UNTIL YOU CAN TRUST HER AGAIN. take your time and reflect, reflect, reflect. personally i could never be with someone who cheated on me. once a person cheats it becomes easier for them to do it again, especially if they believe that it wouldnt mean anything. "better alone than in bad company" i always say. but you are a different person. so if your planning on getting back together, wait until you are both ready. especially you, because i didnt read in your question that she apologized and felt sorry for what she did. if she did then take your time and really forgive her, dont rush it. if she didnt feel sorry, like deeply sorry, you should double think even thinking of getting back together. you still love her and want to be with her, but follow the proper steps and precautions and you will be able to make the right decision.

Answer 9

First of all, did she apologize and sincerely say she was sorry? that is the first step. She is correct in saying that you two are not ready to get married at this time in your lives.
I curious as to why she told you about her one night stand. I'm thinking she wanted you to know and is unsure about a future with the two of you. If she just got carried away by flirting and curious about another sex with another guy, she should NOT have brought the subject up.
I think she needs more time to date around and so do you.

Answer 10

Did she ask for your forgiveness, if not you need to move on. If she is really sorry and wants your forgiveness, you need to try to do that. Nobody is perfect, can you honestly say you haven't thought about cheating on her, or lusting after another woman? You shouldn't get married until you two resolve this. Maybe you should talk with a therapist to help you understand why she did this.