Do you allow your middle school daughter to have boyfriends?

Question

If you do, why do you allow it?
I really want to know why it's allowed, when nothing good comes out of it, especially not for the girl. She's not finding her future mate and the teen boys are certainly not looking to get married. So why?

Please specify if you're a perent or a child. The first response of "you can't stop her" is disturbing if it's coming from a parent, but less surprising if it's coming from a preteen girl.

Wow!!! Thanks to all of you for obviously taking time with your varied, yet genuine responses. I appreciate the different insights. It's going to be hard to pick a best answer.

Answer 1

No, I would not allow it. These days so many little girls are getting pregnant or getting std's. And your absolutely right about the teen boys not looking to get married that's why there are so many teenagers with no fathers for their children. They don't think at this age it is a scary thing.

Answer 2

I would allow it.

The more unnatainable something is, the more attractive it is, especially to children and to teenages.

If i tell my daughter she cannot have a boyfirend, it makes it much more appealing to her to have one because now it's forbidden. And it will only make her go behind my back to do so. I'd rather be open with her about it, and let her have a boyfriend but also let her know what is acceptable to do with that boy.

I don't see any harm, if i've bought up my girl properly, to her having a boyfriend. At a young age they all just play around with the idea of boyfriend and girlfriend and nothing comes of it so there's no harm. And when they are older it's better that it's not seen as such a forbidden thing because that will lead to secrecy and 'exploring' of the kind i do not want to happen! It's better to be up front about these thing especially because I know that if i've bought her up right then she won't do anything stupid with these boys. And even if she does it's a mistake she's going to have to learn.

To say 'she's not finding her future mate and their not looking to get married so why' is a strange question. Yes i don't believe anyone she meets now will be the person she marries, i also believe that girls and boys need to have relationships- friendships, childish 'boyfreind and girlfriend' relationships, and proper relationships. It's healthy. If there's a big divide then when she gets to the age when she should have a boyfriend, it'll be such a big deal she's more likely to go crazy with it and do something stupid.

I've just seen your edit. I'm not a parent nor a child, but i do have experience with children (neices that i've helped bring up), still I am young myself. It's up to you whether you like my advice.

Answer 3

I'm not a parent however have a sibling 12yrs younger and am in my mid 20's so not a child either.
Realistically she will have them without your permission, if you do not allow her to then she will be secretive and fearful you'll f ind out, not exactly an open honest realtionship between parent and child. If you allow her then at least you'll know where she honestly is when she goes out, rather than her having to lie to you. Just be there for her when or if it all falls apart (first love/crush is alwasy painful at the time!), give her a bowl of icecream and choc sauce don't do an 'i told you so!' she will hate you for it. Also as the other post said, make sure she's educated and informed about relationships. chances are her first b.friend will be some date with some guy she has a crush on, and will last a few weeks, nothing serious. Stop panicing and trust your child, trust in your abilities as a parent to have brought her up well and informed.

Answer 4

My mom never had an issue as she trusted my judgment in being ready.

My first boyfriend was in 8th grade. We lasted well into middle of Freshman year (almost a year).

He broke up as he wanted to "find the other fish in the sea" basically. I was hurt, of course. But I was niave to believe that him and I be forever. Him and I were still very good friends all through out high school.

I went on to have a few more boyfriends once in a blue moon. Some cheated, some lied and some where too emotional/clingy.

Now, I am with my first boyfriend when him and I were 12. We are engaged and getting married. Both 21 (he be 22 in March) in the US Marines. He admits he was stupid and puberty hit. but said he never stop loving me after 9 years.

From my experience, I will answer your comments.

yes, something bad comes out of it: heartbreak, but many goods come out of it too. Maybe she is not finding her future mate and he isn't finding his future wife (in my situation, he was we just didn't know it at the time).

In reality, they are finding out who they truly are. A person must go through a heartbreak to know what it feels like, how to get through it and then how to move on from it. Girls find out what types of boys they like and boys find out what type of girls they like. Not all girls like the bad boys and not all boys like the ones that will sleep with them left and right.

Peer pressure: As I work with elementry to 6th graders, every day I hear "Abby has 3 boyfriends and David as a gf in the grade below him". I am talking average of 7 and 10 year olds already having "boyfriends/girlfriends". It is a form of socialing and more of "bragging" than true relatoinships. it is a concern, only if parents and teachers let it get out of hand.

You tell a 12 year old she can't date until 16, I bet you 99% will date before they are 14 behind their parent's back.

Just take a look on yahoo answers, bolt2 and other forum sites that offer teen advice.

I dated at 12 and I didn't wind up having sex, drugs and pregnancies as a teen. The theory of dating early doesn't mean all those will follow too. It takes parenting, educational awareness to the child and the parent and the environmental influences too.

Answer 5

I am a parent to a 6yr old and infant. But I teach middle school(6-8 grade).

The students are always saying they have bf/gf, but they don't really date. And when one of the girls kissed a boy they were all shocked. Most of the students have good relationships with their parents and know what they should and shouldn't do. As long as you (the parents) keep good lines of communication and know what your kids are doing and who they are hanging out with having a boyfriend is not a big deal. Do not let them spend a lot of time alone with the bf/gf because that is when they might 'kiss' and the more time they spend alone is when things will go farther.

Answer 6

I am a parent, and even though by daugher isn't a teen yet, I wouldn't allow it. I think middle school is too young for an actual date, but I might let her have a guy friend maybe over but in my supervision or her fathers, but not like going out without me or her father around absolutely not. During middle school age is when puberty usually kicks in and their hormones are running wild and their bodies are changing, so I don't think that at their age they are ready to be dealing with dating just yet. Now when she goes to high school, then maybe. But my main emphasis on her is to keep her head in the books and her eyes off them boys so soon. Boys aren't an endangered species so she has pleanty of time in her life to be worried about a boy, but not then though. And hopefully I will have her involved in so many damn activties that she's gonna be too worried about any boy. Sorry, that's just my opinon.

Answer 7

I am a parent
I have to say I met my husband in middle school. He liked my from day one. I didnt really like him. But I felt we were good friends/his sister was my best friend, thats how I met him. So 3 years later, when I was in 10th grade we started dating. and now it has been 14 years since the day I met him and we are married. So you dont know what anyone will find when. As for me, I do have a daughter. I would rather not think about her and boys-she is only 5. But realty is the time will come. I do hope she is at least in high school, before she gets seriously involved with anyone-maybe even college. But I think the hole boyfriend stems from school dance and stuff. I am ok with supervised boyfriends. Like he can come and have dinner with us, do day trips, etc. Like I said supervised things. I think it is a part of growing and learning -and it does not need to be sexual. It help girls learn about feelings, and trust, and what kinds of things to look for in a guy when she is older. I would hate to have a 21 year old not know the common sense of relationships/but I am not saying she needs to learn it in middle school. Kids these days start younger and younger with things of that nature, and yes it can bring trouble. But if you inform them right, teach them right, raise them right, and explain the dangers, I dont see why they cant have a supervised relationship.

i also got along better with boys then girls my whole life. you cant really pick who you will get along with. I had many guy friends -could count on more than 1 hand, as for girl-friends-less than 1 hand. Yes, I married my best guy friend. I have a husband and a father who does most anything to make me happy, and at the same time-I lost my best guy friend-it does change when your married cause who do i go to now? and had to give up most guy friends until they were all married.

Answer 8

My middle school daughter has crushes, but nothing serious, and no one she calls 'boyfriend'.

If anything of value is to been seen, it would have to be that she has had boys who wanted to place their arm around here shoulder and she was able to tell them to take a hike in a respectable diplomatic manner.

There was a boy she liked, and told 'another friend' who ran to him to try to match them up as boyfriend and girlfriend, and that was a learning experience as well in friendships, honesty, and relationship with the same and opposite sexes.

I really do not see harm in allowing these crushes and hand holdings in middle school.

No, it's not looking for a future mate, it's rather finding your place and balance when dealing with your peers. Discovering all the many types of personalities that are out there to know which people she feels most comfortable with, who inspires her, and who she'd rather not have anything to do with.

Answer 9

I had boyfriends in middle school. We were casual friends. Went to the dance, or the movies, or walked the mall. It is healthy. But I then again knew my boundaries. We would kiss, but not a french kiss. Hold hands. I would have to say it boosted up my self esteem alot. I do not like seeing these young kids making out and some of the crap they do. But I would have to say my mother informed me on her expectations and I actually listened. If you make it like it is wrong.. the 1st thing the child is going to do it defy you. Rebelling is a natural thing for children. Be supportive and things will work out better.

Answer 10

My middle school daughter didn't date. Of course, she never asked me to date either. She is 13 now and in Jr. High.
My little one is 9 and she has had a "boyfriend" for the last 2 years. To her having a boyfriend means holding hands on the playground. She broke up with him about a month ago because he wanted to kiss her. So I don't think I have much to be concerned about. As far as dating? NO. Sorry sugar.

Answer 11

"She's not finding her future mate and the teen boys are certainly not looking to get married. So why?"

Well, what else are you going to do? Try -- and I'd wish you luck -- to prevent her from dating until she's 21? Learning how to socialise is important.

Just consider how long it takes most women to learn how to weed out and get rid of loser guys, and settle with good ones. A kissing-only pseudo-boyfriend/girlfriend relationship between nice kids is a very positive thing.