Blended family question?

Question

My wife have 3 kids. I only have mine 2 days a week. When they come over I really enjoy spending time with them. She gets jealous that things change when they come over because I like to spend time with them. She says I don’t show her daughter the same attention unless they are here. Thing is I have a son and a daughter. She has a daughter. I don’t know what to do with the girls but my son is a guy and I enjoy the limited time I have with him. She’s saying I don’t spend the same time with her daughter. I don’t. Not even with my own daughter. I love them but my son is a guy and we do guy things and he needs a dad when he’s here because he has no male role model most of the week. I told her imagine if you only saw your daughter 2 times a week. Wouldn’t you want to spend time with her. She also says when they’re here I don’t spend as much time with her. Duh! She’s 30 and my kids need their father when they are here. I feel like also she shoved her daughter in my face and said “here love her like your own”. I’m trying but it also takes time and her daughter has me all the time. I even drive her to school every single day. Something I don’t even get to do with my kids. Seems like she’s expecting too much and her jealousy over my kids makes her very unattractive to me but she doesn’t understand. What can I do?

Answer 1

I really feel for you. In my opinion this isone of the hardest things in the world to do--blend a family. Everyone comes into the situation set in their own ways. I had 3 girls under 5 yrs of age when i met my now hubby (of 20 yrs!) but he took on the dad role with no problems and i guess it was easier too that he had no kids himself. We all got along but i think i was the one who wondered if he loved them--i was the insecure one. I never ever seen one bit of jealousy from him about the girls and my time with them. Your wife needs to grow up some more but this late in the game im sorry to say i dont think its going to change. Keep spending all the time you can with your kids. They are going to remember it later on. I remember when i first met my now husband, his father and i were talking and he told me, i hope you two make a good life together. the only thing that will break you up will be the kids. I remember being puzzled about that but looking back it does make sense. Like someone else on here said, try family counseling--blending families does not happen magically. You sound like an awesome dad !! I wish you the best!!

Answer 2

Seek marital counseling. It does sound like your daughter and her daughter may need more attention but it will never be equal - at least not in your wife's eyes. By going to counseling, you may be able to have just one or two things that you do just for your step-daughter. Like take her to a movie with her friends once a month or get involved in one of her sports. But if you can agree on those few (kind of big) things with a counselor's approval, and you continue to take her daughter to school every day, then you have a right to tell your wife to back off!
Believe me, I sympathize with your wife. Obviously, the girl's real father is not in the picture. It results not in her expecting too much but demanding too much - you can't make someone love your kids like their own. But if you agree to make an extra effort and she agrees to back down, you can act sincerely within limits and not feel like your parental emotions are a battle ground. Your wife has to see that her demands are not going to force something out of you - in fact, they might kill any motivation you have to feel genuinely giving.

Answer 3

Yeah, that is pretty unattractive isn't it? I hate to say it, but I think you guys need therapy. Not that touchy feely stuff, but a moderator who can step in and in an unbiased way tell each of you what is acceptable and what is not. When my dad remarried, we did that and it really helped a lot. My stepmom (after 20 years) is still a little....jealous and selfish sometimes, but our relationship is much better.
Wish you the best on this one. it is normal for dads to feel uncomfortable with daughters, but important for them to spend time with a good male role model so they build healthy relationships with men later on. Even just a movie or dinner with 'the girls' might be better than nothing at all. It could be dad's date, once a month with all of them, once a month with the daughter's you don't see often. You have the chance to do the girl who lives with you whenever your kids aren't over. Once she sees a schedule that provides equal attention, surely she can't complain.

Answer 4

Well, I as a mother of 2 and was in a similar situation with my current husband I have children from a previous marriage. He seemed to be jealous of the time I spent with my children, because like you, I also see my children only (and I stress only) TWO DAYS A WEEK!!!!!!! I can 100%understand your frustration with your wife and I also understand the flipside of hers as well. I think first of all she needs to undrstand that they #1are children and in a healthy relationship children are a top priority. She needs to talk to her daughter and explain that before you all were married to her that you were married before and you have two childen as a product of that relationship and because you see her everyday before and after school and have dinner with her everynight that when you have your children over that your not ignoring her your just want some time to visit your kids because you have that week to catch up on. Your wife and you also need to talk about encouraging a relationship between your children and herself and you will make the effort to include her daughter in an activity that involves your children so that your "family" can build a relationship . So then I promise that she will stop being a jealous wife and become a happy wife because everyone is "included". I wish you luck and let me know how it works.

Answer 5

Try to sit down with her and have a heart to heart with her about how she makes you feel when your kids are there. Also explain to her you do love her kids, but it's a different kind of love. You also need to figure out some things to do with your daughter because she needs you now and she'll really need you when she gets older. Every girl is a "Daddy's girl" whether they know it or not. Being a Daddy means being the protector no matter when, why, where, or what age.

Answer 6

First of all, she needs to grow up.
Second, this is how I see it:

When you only see your children on a limited bases, it is natural for you to give more atttention to them when they are around.

BUT, you have to remember that the kids are kids, whether they are yours, hers, or together. The kids don't understand why someone else seems more important than them, even if they know the other ones are your children. Her kids think of you as a father fiqure and that love to them should not be divided or lowered at any time.

Girls need dads to do things with them too. Don't show partality because a boy is dad and girl is mom. That's BULL!!

SOLUTION:

When your children come to visit, spend one on one, but if another child comes up,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,include them too. Go outside and play team games and switch teams around so it is not one side and go on picnics with fun and games.

As far as the wife goes,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you have to help her understand and you have to stop being partial or she has to go. The kids come first................AND DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE ALL KIDS~ If you want only your son, than take him to a ballgame, bowling or movies when you pick him up before returning home. That gives you one on one and the others ar not hurt.

Answer 7

If I were you I would set your wife down and explain exactly how you feel to here.And maybe you can start doing more things with your others kids(daughters)even if it means sitting down and watching a movie or something taking them to lunch little is better than nothing.GOOD LUCK!!