I have bipolar disorder but my husband cannot/will not accept there is anything wrong with me, any suggestion?

Question

I have bipolar disorder but my husband cannot/will not accept there is anything wrong with me, any suggestions
It makes me tear my hair out. At the moment I have been signed off work (now in my 5th week) but his opinion is that I should just pull myself together and get on with life (If only I could I would) I have tried printing things off of the internet on it but he claims they are to wordy and he doesn't understand them, when I gave him a printout from my GP he just ignored it and wouldn't read it. I have tried talking to him but it is so difficult as he just switches off and doesn't listen. He asks me what's wrong and when I try to expalin how I am feeling he is just snappy and almost unkind. He is of the opinion I shouldn't take any meds and get through it myself. When I'm well he's fantastic but when I'm ill he's awful.
I love him dearly but I just can't go on living like this, Does anyone have any advice or experience on how I can get him to understand what is wrong with me?

Answer 1

First, I'm seeing red flags. If he truly cared to understand your condition, then he would make better attempts at wrapping his head around it. By negating and devaluing the level of your illness (and by the way hubby it IS a physical chemical imbalance!) he is not just being "unsupportive", he is bordering on emotionally abusive.

If he is otherwise good to you, then we can work with this, but please just keep your eyes open to his treatment and behaviors and how he might be acting in other ways to minimize other things which are important to you.

It could be a control thing - he doesn't want to accept that the woman he loves and married might actually have a mental/physical condition because your body is something beyond your and his control. Men are "fixers". If he can't understand it or fix it, then he feels helpless and frustrated.

I would ask your family physician or psychologist/psychiatrist to schedule a family consultation appointment so that someone with some kind of authority (he might "accept" your true problem differently if he hears it from an expert) can sit down with you both at the same time and explain your condition to him. You should NOT be going through this alone, and your husband's support is critical!

At the very least, he gets snippy and doesn't want to hear it because it is not something "he can fix", it is out of his control, and he wants to help, but he doesn't know what he can do to "fix" it or be of best help to you,.... so he fires off, gets frustrated, and makes excuses so he won't have to deal with it.

At the very worst,... he's an narcissist with a personality disorder and problems of his own (like it or not, people with disorders are often matched with people with their own disorders) and he feels threatened and jealous of you that you are at least trying to get yourself better. In the meantime, he'll try to break you down until you are lower than he himself feels. --Again, that's at the very worst.

Get in together so that a professional can help you and help him. Let them know in advance what you need the visit for so that they can be prepared with material and an idea what they are walking into so that the use of your time is handled wisely and they can approach your husband with explanation in a non-threatening way. Write down your questions and concerns about this in advance and bring them with you.

MOST importantly, whether or not he EVER becomes more supportive or compassionate about this, YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU! Don't try to change him, and don't drive yourself crazy (pulling your hair out?) wondering why he doesn't behave in some other way. If you don't get your support from him? Then find a girlfriend, family member, support group, SOME other kind of sympathetic ear you can open up to where you can get strength from.

Good luck and please take care of yourself.

Answer 2

Make an appointment to see your doctor and take your husband with you. Tell your husband what you are doing and make sure that he agrees to come along, otherwise there is no point in making the appointment. That way the doctor can explain to your husband and he won't have to read anything - and he can ask all the questions that he needs to and get proper replies.

I do have to say, though, that there is some truth in what your husband says. I suffered from similar a few years ago and in the end it came down to me to sort myself out. I threw away the medication and got on with more positive things - and it worked!

Maybe when you are feeling a bit low he feels threatened because he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he feels that you are being a bit selfish and just giving in. Talk about it - but with the help of your GP or with some counsel.

Don't just mope - do something positive!

Answer 3

It's a mistake not to tell the doctor that he has this problem. Stress makes bipolar much worse and how fair is that to his fellow soldiers if he goes manic in the middle of a mission? I think the Marines is likely too stressful, but not my call. He was allowed to enlist because the recruiter is choosing to ignore stuff to keep his numbers up. If you have heard in the news, they did not make their recruiting numbers last month for the first time in decades. Something for him to consider that I was never told of. I was denied entry into the Air Force because of a perforated eardrum. I was NOT told I could have joined the Army or Navy. I assumed at the time that if I was refused for that, I was not acceptable to the military. Totally wrong, but by the time I found out, I was more than 26 (they had an age cutoff).

Answer 4

your husband obviously doesn't realise how serious bi-polar is and how much more serious it can get.you can help someone who is depressed by telling someone to get over it but telling someone with bi-polar only makes it worse.you can't "get over" bi-polar by yourself it's a medical condition not a phsycological condition.have you had professional help?if not you should seek some and he should take you.do not go to a councelor go to a phsyoligist or even better a phsyaitrist.councelors cause more harm than good.it'll take you years to understand whats wrong with you,but the important part is your husband understanding.not from you though from a profesional.and even then it wont be easy,most ppl have no idea at the seriousness of even a mild mental illness.they have to many preconcieved ideas of what a mental illness is.have you got any family?because obviously your husband doesn't realise the seriousness of your situation.i'm not saying anything bad about your husband but whether or not you have bipolar you need help,anyone can see that by what youv'e written.do you want to feel like you do the rest of yopur life?i know you dont,go and get the help you need.if you dont get support it doesn't matter,what matters is getting the help YOU need?
PS.if either of you can get through my spelling and grammar you can get through anything.lol.
ppss. i read some of the other answers so i have to make another comment.just because someone doesn't understand doesn't mean they don't care.99% of ppl are ignorant when it comes to mental illness.

Answer 5

I am sorry that your having this problem at home with your husband, my wife has severe clinical depression and anxiety and although I find it hard to cope with at times I do try and support her. Maybe if you asked your doctor to try and explain to your husband then he may have better understanding of your illness. If you feel that your husband doesnt listen to you then why not try and write him a letter to explain truthfully how your feeling. I am not making excuses for him but maybe he cant handle seeing you ill or doesnt know how to cope with it and so he is handling it in-correctly. Maybe you would both benefit from counselling. You need alot of support and if you look online there are alot of groups and sites for people with bipolar disorder and other mental illness. You will get through this,nothing is a mircle cure but dont give up, you need to however put yourself first and if you try and work things out with your husband but it fails then maybe you may need a break away from him, you need your husband to be on your side and after all when he married you he promised 'in sickness and in health' good luck for the future

Answer 6

Everything I want to say has been said in the responses already. I've been where you are and it is so frustrating. Just know you are not alone. There is a song you might appreciate....I find some humor in it because my boyfriend does not understand my bipolar and refuses to be educated (I had similar problems with my husband when I was married)...it's called The Guy Who Doesn't Get It by Jill Sobule. If you have a few minutes to spare, look up the lyrics. They are so perfect.

Answer 7

Hello...........The importance of having a network of people who understand your illness and are willing to help you through is the key to your wellness. I am sorry that your husband does not understand. Has he ever seen you in the throws of a full manic episode? When my daughter was first diagnosed with bipolar, my ex-husband only visited her once while she was in the hospital, and once she was released, he tried to get a restraining order on me to keep me away from my daughter. He blamed me entirely for the illness, it's cause in his mind was our divorce and my bad parenting skills. No amount of convincing could change his mind. I too had shown him everything I could find on her illness, but what finally changed his tune was a one on one conversation with my daughter's psychiatrist. The doctor asked him questions about his family history, whether or not he had ever heard of anyone in his family being ill and for the first time, I found out that in fact there were several of his family members who had been ill, and one had actually taken his own life. This was some sort of revelation to my ex, he now had answers as to what had happened to his family members and what was now happening to his own child. They were the type of family which kept things "hush-hush" because of the embarrassment and shame of it all. I think that your husband is one who just can't accept the truth, even when it is staring him straight in the face. His attitude is most likely fear-based, and it is much easier to just pretend that it will go away than deal with the harsh reality of it. Loving someone who is bipolar is never easy work, nor is it all that difficult, once you accept that it is real, and managable. What this is doing to you is my concern. Any reasonably informed person knows the effect that stress has on the mentally ill. His attitude is holding you back from getting through this difficult time, and as much as you would like to see to his needs and help him understand, he is stuck in a place where denial rules. You need to focus on yourself and stop trying to figure out why he can't accept what is happening to you. If you have anyone else in your network that you can rely on for support, I suggest that you go to them, or have them over. Another thing you can do is set up an appointment where you, your husband and doctor[s] can all discuss your situation. Someone other than you needs to tell him what is really happening with you. Otherwise, he may never fully understand the serious nature of your illness, or learn how to play an active, productive role in your recovery. Good luck to you and take care.............

Answer 8

Dont be to hard on hubby, he doesnt understand and I ask you to ask yourself this do you really want him to becasue for him to truly understand what you are going through it would me he had it also, would you wish it on someone else...you see I was where you are right now many years ago I have been bipolar for 35 years, my hubby doesnt get it but over time he has learned to help me deal with things, mind you he doesnt aloways know how bad I am because I deal with it, all day evryday and only I can, yes i am medicated yes I keep in regular contact with my Dr, see a counsellor, eat well, drink lots of water and exercise ...when I need space he gives it to me, when i need a hug he gives me that also but I dont dwell on it because I know it wont help...him or me. I have seen some people here say he is selfish but I think it is more like ignorance and having lived with this for so long I wish I could have blessed ignorance. My advice to you is to be patient, deal with it as best you can, find a friend that you can talk things over with or a counsellor...concentrate and be kind to yourself so that you can create some peace in your mind.

Answer 9

Just try to remember that you can never change another person, nor their opinion if they don't want to change. Your husband is one of these people who only believes something when they experience first hand for himself. In his mind, you are just attention seeking because he doesnt' understand the disorder.
He is ignorant of mental illness, either because he's never seen it before in his family so thinks it is all just made up in one's head, or he is blocking the fact his wife has a condition that he is feels is (still, in this day and age) not to be spoken about.

Mental illness is suffered by 85% of the population at any one time, in the form of pms, depression, clinical depression and psychotic illness such as Bipolar or schizophrenia and a range of other disorders that can be bought about by hormones, genetics or environment just to name a few.

Your husband probably has few problems with his emotional and mental state and probably finds it hard that other people can't just "pull themselves together" like he does when he has has a blue day.

What can you do? You carry on taking care of your health with or without his support. Don't even TRY to make him understand anymore. He just isn't interested in finding out about your disorder. Just carry on taking your tablets, seeing your doctor and getting as much information on how you can help yourself. Let him think what he wants, don't waste any more time tearing your hair out. It seems frustrating for you to not be listened to but make a pact with yourself that you are not going to stress over this, as you know you're right no matter what he believes.

The other option is : You can try asking him to come to the doctor's with you so the doctor can explain the condition. You can print out symptoms from the net that shows other people suffer it too, but realistically I believe he just wants to block it out and get on with life, so you just look after yourself and do whatever it takes to get yourself as well as you can be at all times and don't let his lack of consideration stress you out. There's more important things in life to spend your stress on!!

You can get through this, summon the support through other family and friends too. Don't be afraid to reach out to other people. All the best x

Answer 10

As a female also suffering from Bi-polar I know how you feel. My husband (soon to be Ex as we are divorcing) didnt understand either....which in the end lead to the breakdown of our marriage. he had this deluded idea that i could just pull myself together, ignoring all the facts...such as : Its a chemical inbalance and needs treatment...one does not get better without it. I found it really tough going, and although im now in a new relationship I choose not to live with my partner....its easier for me that way. I think maybe your husband is finding it tough to accept that you are ill....maybe its really hurt him knowing you are unwell and this reaction is just his way of coping...all id say though is sooner or later he will need to accept that you are unwell otherwise it may begin causing problems. Goodluck to you both xxx