Can someone tell me some jokes?

Question

I accept any jokes from kids to adult I don't really mind and I will email the person with the best joke.

Answer 1

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her

index finger shot off. How did this happen?, the doctor

asked. Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde

replied. Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought,

I just paid $6,000 for these. Then I put it in my mouth

and thought, I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened.

Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to

make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear

before I pulled the trigger.




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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an

elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot

on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a c u m stain." The

brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a c u m stain," she says.

The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's

nobody from this building."






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Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a

redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she

has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!

..Aim!! ..." Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone

is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she

has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!

.. Aim!! ..." Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is

startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward

and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and

the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!! ..." and the blonde yells,

"FIRE!!!"

Answer 2

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the h*ll up."

Answer 3

One day a duck walks into a servo(gas station if u are american) and walks up to the counter and the attendant looks down and says "what do u want?" the duck quacks at him "do u have any grapes" the attendant replies "this is a servo, we sell petrol not fruit, get outa here:...the duck turns and walks out

the next day the duck waddles back intio the servo, walks up to the counter again and once again the attendant asks what he wants and once again the duck quacks "do u have any grapes" baffled at the stupidity the attendant once again tells the duck "we are a servo, not a fruit shop, get outa here"

The next day again the duck waddles into the servo and goes up to the counter and the attendant getting quite pissed off at this stage asks him again what he wants, and to no suprise the duck quacks "do u have any grapes"....by this stage the attendant has had enough and yells at the duck "Get Outa Here U Stupid Duck, If u Come In Here Oner More Time Asking For Damned Grapes I will Nail Your Beak To This Here Counter!!!!!!!!!!".......the duck turns and walks out.......

The next day once again the duck walks into the servo and waddles up to the counter, the attendand is already going red in the face, and the duck quacks at him "do u have any nails?" no the attendant says, suprised he wasnt asking for grapes, "great "the duck quacks "do u have any grapes?"

I know it is a silly joke but it was the only one i knew that wasnt too dirty or politicallly incorrect that i could post..........

Answer 4

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained,' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......'

Answer 5

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Answer 6

Q: What do you call a deer with one eye?


A: I have no idear!