grooms mom, will I look too cheap?

Question

My son (age 24) is getting married soon. I raised him as a single mom (never married or received child support) and have had a rough time over the years. I feel when my son was young he didn't have what other kids had. I am now an RN, divorced with another child age 13, and have recently bought myself a home. My ex adopted my 1st son when I was married, His biological father died last year.
My son is marrying a wonderful girl who's family has $. My son and girl want to basically pay for their own wedding. Her family has contributed a good amount towards the wedding. I have been able to pay for the honeymoon ( 1 week mexico 5 star all-inclusive), the rehearsal dinner, my younger son's tux etc., and the hor dourves. I don't know but I feel like I look like a cheapskate. Even tho my ex (HIS DAD TO HIM) adopted my son he has not offered to help with anything which hurts me & my son & the younger son. Son says he's OK w/ this. Help w/ suggestions to enhance m y roll for son & girl. THANX

When my son was young it was terrible, He says he doesn't remember it too much, And I am glad.I love my future D-I-L & couldn't ask for better. They love each other. I just want the best for them. They are one of the best prides and joys of my heart. I just wish I was financially able to exhibit that. Thanx for all your responses, as lifef is never easy!

I must say that my son was a beautiful baby, a busy toddler, a sweet boy, a j***_off teen & a WONDERFUL YOUNG MAN whom I only want the best for. Again THANX for your answers & I wish you all happiness in your lives

Answer 1

Traditionally, you have done more than the grooms side is expected to. I think its absolutely wonderful that you have chipped in so much.

I wonder are you feeling a little insecure because this girl comes from money and you feel that your son doesnt? Dont ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of yourself. Look at all the things you have accomplished, you are truly amazing from your story. I bet your son could not be prouder of you if you had a million dollars, and quite frankly neither could I. You dont find many stories of success and survival against the odds now a days. Hold your chin high!

Have a wonderful time!

Answer 2

You have obviously done a LOT for your kids and I'l bet they both apperciate it and think about what they can do to help you.

I know what it is like to try and "keep up with the Jones' "
and this is Not what you're doing. You have spent a LOT on them already and I'm sure the smile from your son will say it all.
I wuld be very hurt by your ex's lack of participation and i'm sure your son will eventually see how much more you love him.

Try and relax, enjoy the Wedding, and you will be accepted for who you are. ( If you're not, then ignore them, nad have a good time anyway, so long as everyone is civil on family occasions then you don't really have to poretend to like someone if you really don't)
Good Luck!

Answer 3

I would say you're doing more than enough. Traditionally, it's the parents of the bride who pay for the bulk of the expenses, so you're covered there. And, today, more and more couples are paying for their own weddings. My fiancee and I are doing it all on our own. So, rest assured that you are doing more than your share.

I realize that your ex adopted your son, but i wouldn't be surprised at his not contributing. I've known several people who have been adopted by their mom's new spouses, but when the marriages broke up, it was like the adoption never happened. So, perhaps your ex doesn't think it's his duty to pay for your son's wedding because he feels like the adoption was cancelled when the marriage was.

You said that your son and new daughter in law want to pay for their own wedding - let them. If they are old enough to get married, then they should be old enough to handle this expense. Weddings don't have to be big, elaborate affairs. They are what you make of them.

Answer 4

I think you have been very generous! Traditionally the groom's family doesn't pay much for the wedding.

Here's the old etiquette listing:
Groom's Family's Expenses:
Rehearsal Dinner
Accommodations for his out-of-town attendants
Reception alcohol
Bouquets for bride, maid of honor, bridesmaids, and corsages for mothers, grandmothers, and flower girls
Boutonnières for groom, best man, groomsmen, fathers, grandfathers, ushers, and ring bearer
Honeymoon, including transportation


With most people that I encounter, the groom's family does not contribute as much as that list gives.

I think you should be content with your monetary offerings. If you feel you should do more, offer to help address invites, stuff envelopes, prepare favors, and assist your son & future daughter-in-law with anything they want your help with planning wise.

Otherwise, enjoy this wonderful day & be proud of the man you raised!

Answer 5

You're not in a competition with your future in-laws. You are doing more than many parents for your son and his bride, and you should feel proud that you are able to give so generously. They do appreciate your gifts, and I would imagine that your son knows what sacrifices you are making in order to provide these luxuries for them.

Now that you have arranged for these things, take some time to enjoy the milestone and pat yourself on the back for raising a good kid that someone is excited to marry! Pamper yourself a bit for the event; take a spa day for yourself for the wedding weekend so you will glow as mother of the groom. You've earned it! Congratulations.

Answer 6

It was once customary for the brides parents to pay for the wedding. Now a days the bride and groom pay for their own wedding. Either way you're off the hook. Sorry bad joke. I understand how you feel. My mother-in-law told me the same thing after our wedding. She and my father-in-law (no longer married) did a lot mind you. I told her that my parents don't feel that way at all. They are just happy to get rid of me ( another bad joke). You have done a great job helping your son and future daughter with their wedding. I say don't do any more unless they ask. Remember you have grandkids to spoil. Save up now. The cost of toys is going up.

Answer 7

You have done more than necessary in your son's upcoming marriage because, usually, it is the bride's family that takes care of most of the expenses. I don't know why your ex and adoptive father to that son has not offered any help but, I'd try to just get over it.
Try to look at the bright side. You have already done more than is necessary. You definitely will not look cheap. Your son is getting married. Get the ex out of the picture and not let him ruin this wonderful occasion.

I just read your additional comments. Please try to remember that money does nothing to show love, appreciation, or any of those things. Your actions will speak louder than your money. Help them in other ways than monetarily. Give your support and assist them in other ways. It will be longer remembered than your financial assistance. Show them your love and give them guidance. Don't try to make up for past mistakes with money...believe me, I see a person who is trying to do that now.
There are those precious things that money will never buy...think about those things.

Answer 8

It sounds to me like you're contributing quite a bit! I'm sure, as a mother, you ALWAYS want to contribute more - it will never be enough; but I think you really HAVE done quite a bit for them financially. I think what they can never get enough of, and what you should continue to give freely, is your love and support. It is something that money can't buy (yes, cliché, I know - but it is so true). Don't feel like you're "competing" with the bride's family; everyone is contributing what they can. Congrats.

Answer 9

You're doing more than enough for the couple. If you're trying to win their affection by showing that you can do so much materially for their wedding, you really don't have to. Your son seems to love you regardless of the history. Your ex is not your problem. Just let your son know that you are there for him, that he can go to you for any other needs, and that you give them your love and blessing. Welcome his fiancee like the daughter she will be to you and that should raise you up several notches in your son's heart.

Answer 10

It actually sounds like you've done a great job in what you've contributed to your son and soon to be daughter-in-law! Actually, you've done more than a great and thoughtful job! I'm 23 years old and if my mother, who raised me as a single mom most of my life, even offered to do half the things you have for them I couldn't tell you what it would mean to me!! You're a great mother!! You don't need to do anything else "financially" for their wedding...just be there and show your love for them! Awesome job, Mom! As for his adoptive father...don't sweat it...I know it hurts but you know who and what's more important to you!!