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My brother rough houses with my daughter (she is 7). They have alot of fun but when I ask him to be more gentle. He doesn't. When I corner him about it, his attitude is that I am single mom and my daughter needs a man, besides life is hard and she needs to toughen up.. or some crap like that. Anyway, one minute she will be laughing and they are having so much fun, then she says 'stop' and he doesn't stop playing rough (not to be mean... he just doesn't 'hear' her or me). He is a fun guy, handsome, sucessful, a great sense of humor and a very strong personality. My daughter has on occasion gotten hurt (by accident like biting her tongue and stuff when it gets to rough). I told my mom that this it really upsetting me and that kids need to learn their 'no' counts and that their mom's 'no' counts too. That kids that dont' feel in control of their lives end up letting people abuse them. Basically I was told that I am over reacting because she only sees him a occasionally.

2007-02-02 16:39:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting Parenting

So how much is too much of this behavior in a child's life... is only occasional contact with him going to affect her? (holidays and birthdays and times like that)

2007-02-02 16:40:08 · update #1

16 answers

I thought that it was you that has asked this before and was checking your questions (wow you have asked a lot) and so many seem to be with family issues. I think going on all your other questions that it is time to cut off contact with your brother. He shows no respect for you or your family. You have tried to set boundaries and it obviously is not working. As the person you chose for best answer stated last time you asked this how would you feel if your Uncle was hurting you and you mum did nothing. YOU are the parent and it is your job to protect your child. If you can't do this then stop asking what you should do because you already know the answer

2007-02-02 21:12:08 · answer #1 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0 0

We teach our girls that no means no. This should extend to all areas of life not just the more mature topics. I would talk to your brother and just tell him your concerned, that this may send mixed messages to her as she gets older. You have to give your kids a voice at an early age so that they are comfortable using their voice as they mature. The world is a scary place today not like it was for us in the years gone by. Little girls esspecially need to feel that when they say something that people will stop and listen other wise they become the ones that are taken advantage of. I would do some more research on this. This website covers many topics that affect our little ones today I would take a look. Caution it may scare the Crap out of you regarding what the government thinks are potental concerns.

http://www.meganslaw.ca.gov/protect.htm

2007-02-02 17:04:17 · answer #2 · answered by Just Me 2 · 1 0

One "NO" is plenty...ALWAYS. I know this is hard to enforce, as the "just say no" thing is nice, in principle, harder to practice, but your daughter needs to feel, beyond doubt, that her NO is heard. This may sound crazy, but have you ever thought of stepping in physically? What would your brother do if you ever physically put yourself in between them and said "HEY! I think that's enough!" It might make your daughter at least feel someone is advocating for her. I don't know what the dynamic is between you and your brother, but he might listen up if you were able to take a physical stand when things got out of hand. If this isn't possible, or doesn't work, men often respond to another man with more "presence". Do you have a male friend who could step in when you were all together? Just a thought, but I think your daughter might get a LOT more out of it if you could be the one to step up to the plate for her. Once should ALWAYS be enough. Stand tall. Be brave. Good luck.

2007-02-02 17:23:30 · answer #3 · answered by foghnanross 2 · 1 0

It is not up to him to decide what or who your daughter needs. Besides, its one thing for her to have a grown man who behaves properly and another to have a man in her life who thinks he knows better than her mother and who will not listen to her or her mother. He's a really bad example.

When I was a kid I had two older boy cousins who would chase me around because they deemed it was fun for all involved, and I never understood why my parents did tell them to knock it off and do something to protect me from their stupid behavior. The reason was that my mother was the inlaw, and my father didn't think they were doing anything wrong or else he wasn't going to tell his brother to tell his kids to knock it off when they only showed up once a year or so.

I survived without feeling particularly mistreated, but it took until we were all grown up and had families that I finally realized they weren't the same big, giant, jerks they used to be!

I think you should make it clear to him and to your mother that you do not want a male role model who does not respect a child's mother's right to decide what behavior is ok and what isn't. As far as I'm concerned she's getting a little on the old side to rough-housing with uncles anyway.

2007-02-02 17:12:02 · answer #4 · answered by WhiteLilac1 6 · 2 0

Tell your brother that "yes, I am a single mom and my daughter needs a man but YOUR ARE NOT THAT MAN, and I get to pick the MAN in her life and again, YOUR ARE NOT IT"!!

You are the mom and want you say is law and if they can not understand this then you need to show them by limiting there time with your daughter. If they ask then tell them until they can follow your rules they they can not come over and play.

2007-02-02 18:07:45 · answer #5 · answered by LadyCatherine 7 · 1 0

A seven-year-old who is really hurt or frightened will cry. That she doesn't should help you realize that she is okay. The world is full of people like your brother, who have no respect for boundaries. In a sense your brother is right. It will do your daughter no harm to be in a situation where her saying stop doesn't automatically bring it to an end. In this way she can experience in a safe environment what she will certainly experience in the real world, and learn to deal with it.

2007-02-02 16:58:55 · answer #6 · answered by Bethany 7 · 0 1

It sounds like your brother is rough housing with you too.

YOU are the mom and you must trust your instincts on this one. Your daughter may need a man in her life but what she needs is one that will be respectful to women and to you in particular. It does not sound like your brother is filling that role.

My recommendation is to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. It is a great book about keeping yourself and your children safe. As a mom, the book definitely gave me more confidence to be a momma bear protecting my cubs.

Read the book - Trust your instincts.

2007-02-02 17:06:09 · answer #7 · answered by Stayathomemom.com 3 · 1 0

Didn't you already ask this?

She'll get so that she's scared of him, or gets very anxious or upset when he's around. I had a couple of older cousins like this, and it was super stressful for me to be around them when I was younger.

Next time she tells him "no", remove her from the situation. Send him on his way. She DOES need to learn that what she says counts. And your brother needs to stop being an *******. When he has kids, he can raise them how he wants. Your daughter is yours.

2007-02-02 16:46:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2 0

The reality of it is, YOU are her parent and what you say, goes.

You and she are both being disrespected. Since when do you ignore ANYONE when they tell you to stop doing something?

You are not overreacting. And for them to tell you that you should put up with it because it is only on occasion is absurd.

The next time this happens, instead of telling your brother how YOU feel about his rough housing, try looking him straight in the eye and say: SHE said to stop...so STOP. That way, you are reacting to your DAUGHTER's needs/wants.

2007-02-02 16:48:43 · answer #9 · answered by LolaCorolla 7 · 1 0

My brother used to do that to me. He would be rough housing and I would be laughing but saying no, then next thing you know I would be crying. My mom taught us when we were young that no means no. You need to tell your brother that when he hears NO it means no. If he does not respect that, he should not be allowed to play with her. You are completely correct in saying that kids need to learn that their "no" counts. You are not overreacting and his behavior needs to stop.

2007-02-02 16:45:26 · answer #10 · answered by shugarmagnolia420 4 · 0 0

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