please help my gf and ex wife hate each other and I'm afraid my 8yr old son will suffer?

Question

i'm engaged to a wonderful women but i'm afraid she maybe pushing herself into the stepmom role to soon.she means well but this drives my ex crazy.for example my gf wants to go to parent/teacher conferences(which i love but my ex hates) with me.my ex is a very bitter vengeful controlling person who made my life hell when i was with her.my gf is totally opposite and i would love her to be involved with my son.the problem is this makes my ex crazy and and i want to do whats best for my son.i have told my gf to back off on the stepmom stuff for now but this has made her upset.she feels i should stand up for her to my ex but i just see it as making it easier for my son by going along with my ex for now.hopefully when she finds a bf things will get better but in the mean time how should i handle this?

Answer 1

If you give in to the ex's wishes, you are putting her over your fiancee, which seems to be what your ex wants. She doesn't want to accept the fact that you are in a decent relationship, for whatever reason. She will continue to find ways to control you and get you to cater to her as long as you allow it.
If you want your fiancee to be involved in your kid's life, and in YOUR life, for that matter, then let yourself realize how shallow and unreasonable your ex is being and let your fiance be a part of your family. Ask the teacher if she would consider separate parent/teacher conferences for you and your ex.

Answer 2

I don't know how much this will help because every circumstance is different; but my fiance's ex-wife and I get along very well (which drives him nuts). I've told him to be happy that she and I get along so well because things could be so much worse. They have a 4 yr old child together and the reason I choose to get along with his ex is for their son's sake. It wasn't always that way though; at first the ex-wife was very upset (as a mother myself I could relate though). Ask your fiance to put herself in your ex-wife's shoes and how she would feel if her child had another "mom."
My fiance's ex-wife hated me at first and it wasn't until she realized that I would never try to come between her and their son's relationship, that she was okay with me. After a 2 hour phone conversation, she realized that I love their son as if he was my own and that I only want what is best for him (and my son, as I have my own as well). At that point she realized we were both on the same page. From what it sounds like, your ex feels threatened by the possible relationship that could form between your fiance and your son. The best solution I can come up with is for you and your fiance to talk, make sure she has best intentions; and if that is true then all three of you need to talk. No offense, but she is your fiance, and I think it is wrong of you to ask her to "back off the stepmom role." If it is too soon for her to be the stepmom, then you shouldn't have asked her to marry you. Hope it all works out for your past, present, and future family. What is in the best interest of your son, is for you all to be able to get along (not to say you all have to be friends) and for your son to know that he is loved no matter where he goes and that he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable talking about either family in either house. (Hope this all makes sense, it's much easier to explain verbally....lol) Best wishes

Answer 3

I am in your fiancees position. She is right!! My soon to be stepson watched as his mother walked on me for 7 yrs before I told my other half to grow a set or I'm gone! His son was 4 when we got together and now he is 14 and thinks he can treat me like she did because it makes his mom happy and his dad didn't want to make waves and tell mom she couldn't so the son sees no harm in it. 3 yrs ago my other half stood up to her. For 2 yrs it was HELL! This year she finally got a clue and we all parent as a TEAM. She realized how much damage she caused to her own son. He has no respect for anyone but dad and I. She wants to fix it but I think she might be to late. We also had another issue. The dad and I had a boy of our own. My son looks up to his big bro. Started copying traits and attitudes. I had to put a stop to it. Its bad enough to have his son be disrespectful and his mother but to have MY child do so was NOT gonna happen! How you handle this will tell your soon to be wife were she stands....next to you or behind your ex. When you guys are married she will have legal rite to be present as part of the childs parental unit. She will be a STEPPARENT. Keyword parent! and whether the ex likes it or not....FAMILY. The courts will even include her in decision making. So unless she is willing to test that....the ex better get over it and do whats best for the kid and that is for everyone to get along.

Answer 4

You need to try and communicate the importance of your child's health and well-being to your ex. Having a safe, reliable, loving relationship with your fiance is good for the child. A child can never have too many people loving and caring for them. What your ex is doing is going to put the child through tension, discourse and feeling of disconnection, similar to another divorce.

If your ex cannot be reasoned with, and if she begins to demolish the balance between the two households (refusing to allow the child to be at a place the child's supposed to be, such as your house or a conference, to force you to push your ex away or to simply spite you, etc), you MUST take this to court.
If the ex is threatening your fiance's involvement in your child's life (your involvement is her involvement at this point), she's causing a healthy, tearing imbalance between the two households, and it must not be tolerated.

Answer 5

I raised 3 kids under the same "near" experience. You better "man up" dude, there's obviuos reasons why the "ex" is "ex". Don't under any condition allow your kid or your self to be intimidated by either. Spend a lot of time talking to him privately father to son man to boy and listen well to see whats goin on when you're not around. And no matter what always, always make him know that come whatever "Dad's" got him. I did this in my 2 sons and my daughter's lives and we were closer than they were to their mom's. I lost my eldest son 4 yr.s ago Jan. 15th. and I will always and forever cherish the bond we had regardless of his hateful azz mom, let nothing and no one take that from you and him !! It's time for the ex to move around and your life's moved on and your son's with yours. It's time you made the ex and the new g/f get a grip!!!!

Answer 6

I am a stepmother of an eight year old boy as well . The two women need to sit down and have a heart to heart about the situation. They need to compromise. Ask your ex if there is anything that your current g/f can do to help your son out that won't offend her. Eventually it will get better. But she shouldn't be going to parent teacher confrences. I also have and 8 yr old stepson and I don't go to them because its not my place. its theirs and I only ask my husbands ex if there is anything I can do to help and that helps us get along enough to where it doesn't hurt the child.

Answer 7

Your girlfriend needs to support you at this time. The support that she needs to give is to ensure that you, the father, have the best possible, chaotic free moments when you are with your son. She should not be interfering with your son's relationship at this time, especially if she is not helping it.

Your ex, as crazy as she may be, is still the mother of your son. She has the right of parental priority over your future wife. If you take away this power from her, then there will only be more chaos. She is a control freak, after all.

Your girlfriend maybe trying to prove her love for you by showing you her 'difference' between her and your ex girlfriend. "Look at me, I actually care for your son, unlike your ex wife." This is playing in her subconscious mind. I cannot or am not saying that she does not love your son - but she is blinded with her intentions of why she is interfering and insisting on her role to your son at this time. This may only be a possibility; it's a discussion that perhaps need to be discussed.

Now is not the time nor the place for her to insist on a motherly role that is not hers to begin with. She needs to prioritise which relationship and role is more important at this time - as your the fiance/wife or your son's mother? She needs to give some time to let things settle down a little bit before, until your ex-wife's realisation come around in accepting the new love of your life.

As your girlfriend is more sensible than your ex wife, she can allow for a little bit of breathing room until you can talk to your ex wife and bring her to some understanding. If your ex wife still refuses, then there's not much you can do with her. She cannot stop you from letting your future wife become a part of your son's life.

Your ex-wife, in this case, whether she likes it or not, need to accept the situation that (1) you have moved on; (2) that you are lucky to have found a woman who loves your child. She needs to understand that she is still the mother, but it does not hurt to hav another loving relationshiip your son can have with you and your future wife.

Your fiance will soon be a part of your life. He will be a part of your new lives together. Everybody must come to an acceptance of this new situation.

But most importantly, talk to your son. Ask him how he feels. He is in the middle of this struggle and he just needs to understand what is going on. Hopefully, your son can inspire your ex-wife.

Don't let your son be entangled in the middle of a jealousy of war.

Your son, in the meantime, can choose and have all the love that he can have and want regardless of who they come from. Make sure he knows that.