please help my gf and ex wife hate each other and I'm afraid my 8yr old son will suffer?

Question

i'm engaged to a wonderful women but i'm afraid she maybe pushing herself into the stepmom role to soon.she means well but this drives my ex crazy.for example my gf wants to go to parent/teacher conferences(which i love but my ex hates) with me.my ex is a very bitter vengeful controlling person who made my life hell when i was with her.my gf is totally opposite and i would love her to be involved with my son.the problem is this makes my ex crazy and and i want to do whats best for my son.i have told my gf to back off on the stepmom stuff for now but this has made her upset.she feels i should stand up for her to my ex but i just see it as making it easier for my son by going along with my ex for now.hopefully when she finds a bf things will get better but in the mean time how should i handle this?

Answer 1

I feel for you. You are going to have to find the way to have your gf get that the main thing is to keep the peace and keep the ***** ex lying down and quiet. It will be so much cheaper in the long run in many ways. Yes, it is great that gf wants to treat your child well. But don't think her ego is not involved. ALL of you to some extent are in the most popular parent war, only your gf is never going to really be a full player. She does not realize her place and happily accept it yet. You need to defend the gf against unwarranted ex attacks. But you are right to have her back down for now. She is not your wife. Even if she becomes that, ultimately you are the one who is going to have to deal with the ex's hornet's nest.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Your ex wife is hurting/hateful/comtroling or whatever-- it should not matter anymore to you. I would include your gf in meetings and parenting stuff but ask her to refrain from being in the conversation about t he child if the ex is present. That will show the gf that you know it is important for her to be in all aspects of your life and you and her can discuss things before and after the meetings. The ex-wife may still be steaming but if your gf does not saying anything then your ex will just look like a spolied brat who just wants her way. It is important for your 8 year old to see that you and your gf (soon to be wife and step-mom) are working together for his best benefit and that you are integrating her in your lives. Even if your ex continues to act out and says bad things about the ex, your child will grow up and see things for how they are and make his own decision about the situations.

Answer 4

I have been in the same situation. I was engaged to a wonderful man and felt his kids was my kids. If this woman is going to be in your son's and your life she has a right to go to parent teacher conferences, school plays etc. To know you and love you is to love your child also. She accepts you and your son and that's a important thing. I am sure your son realizes who his real mother is and if anything he is going to thankful you found a woman that accepts him as well as you. So many kids have issues with their parents g/f or b/f not accepting them or feeling they only want their parent and not them.
I think you need to apologize to your girlfriend and hopes she understands and forgives you she was accepting both you in her life.
As far as the Ex you need to let the Ex know she is a Ex for a reason and offer her to along to the functions if she wants to but make her aware you aren't closing your g/f out. As long as you don't give the ex a opportunity to go along or meet you guys there there is nothing wrong with your g/f playing the stepmother role. Hope this helped!

Answer 5

I know this is a REALLY difficult situation, and only you know the answer to it because it's YOUR reality.

The only thing I would ask is: How will you feel when the ex DOES find a bf and he decides he wants to be your son's "new dad"? It could happen, you know. Think of the things your gf does with and for your son (or WANTS to), and then imagine how you would feel if another man came into your son's life and did the things with him that you thought were YOUR responsibility.

Answer 6

Your ex is always going to find something to complain about in regards to your new wife to be. As for your wife to be she needs just to be there when needed also for parent teacher its for the parents only she is not the parent of the minor. But as far as holidays and birthdays new wife to be needs to be present. As for ex wife she should be happy for you that the fact she is great with your son. Good luck to you. Tell your ex to watch the movie Stepmom hopefully this would help her out.

Answer 7

your sons 8 which means he probly understands more than you think. make sure you have alone time with him so if he has someting to talk about he can. it might ease your mind about whats bothering him. your a family if you and your son like your girl comming i say let her shell feel rejected and it will cause probles bettween you two another break up wont be good for him. as for the ex tell he the exact time you be at school so if she dosent want to see her there than she shouldnt come then. tell the teacher every body love him but every one dosnt get along so mom and dad will arrive sepertly. im a step mom also ive learn to have some sort of piece you have to piss every one off just a little to make everyone happy. not your son of couse hes 1st make that clear to your girl and ex and not about them. as a mom and a step mom they should already have him first and should understand. the ex will probly always start someting from time to time thou.

Answer 8

I say, the gf should be as involved as your son wants her to be. If he wants her to go to this and that, thats your answer. And when the ex starts up again, tell her that you've consulted your son, and you are respecting his wishes. Because not having her a part of his life may do more harm than having her a part of his life. You 2 may have kids later on, and she'll def. have a solid relationship with those kids. And he may feel left out if she has not established a relationship with him by that time. And it may be difficult on him to accept her with her children andhe may feel like the 3rd wheel.

Answer 9

Much of the time when people think an ex-wife is "bitter" it isn't that. Most often when the ex-wife is the mother of the children she is just doing what any mother would do, which is assert her rights not to have outsiders come in and "play Mommy". Most of the time the mother does want the father to remain a partner when it comes to being parents to the child. They just don't want the girlfriend.

The way I see it, the original parents and their child are the ingredients that make up a "cake" that is the original family unit. Girlfriends have no real place in the child's life, but if they become "official" step-parents their role is to be "icing on the cake",, and they should create their own special type of relationship with the child that is one of "friend" and not one of "mother just because your father married me".

Most mothers know that to feel normal children need to have one mother/one father or at least one parent without the complications of "pretend" mothers/fathers. Many mothers would believe that spending time with the father and his girlfriend is one thing (and fine) but altering the dynamics of time spent with mother and father is too confusing to the child. Most mothers will do what it takes to preserve as much of a sense of stability and sameness for their child/children in the face of divorce. Many people know that separated parents don't have to mean a "broken home" if all the adults involved are careful and sensitive to the child's sense of stability.

Maternal instinct sometimes makes mothers behave like mother cats - and out come the claws if anyone tries to horn in on the maternal role (and this isn't something that makes the mother bitter or mean. Its what is natural, probably because Nature knew that children and their mothers have a special relationship that should not be cut in on.)

It probably has nothing to do with whether your ex-wife has a boyfriend or not. This is probably not about her and ANY man, including you. It is most likely about her and her children and the stranger who - no matter how much you may like to have at parent/teacher conferences - does not belong at certain events that are between the child and his only two parents.

There are "family things" that involve Mom, and those should be kept to the original cast of characters for your son's sake. Then, though, your son has a right to time with you and your girlfriend (if she's going to be your wife, and you're sure of that) as his own, separate, thing in life. That's when your girlfriend can develop her own special friendship with your son and maybe do things with him (that his mother wouldn't object to) that are different from the things he does with his mother and you.

I think her role should be as the "nice, extra, person in his life" and not as the third wheel.

That's just my opinion, though - but I think it makes sense for all involved. You may wish the ex-wife could stay out of the picture and leave you, your girlfriend and your children to live happily ever after as the family you and your ex-wife couldn't be; but while that may make you happiest, I don't think its what is best for your child.

Answer 10

Even if she ever finds a boyfriend she will still be the same person.Your son is the one that is going to suffer,because even if he likes his future step-mom he will feel that he's betraying his mom.No matter what you do your ex will never be satisfied.She made your life hell when you were with her and she will keep on doing it.You need to tell her to seek some help for your son's sake.She needs to get over it and go on with her life.I'm speaking from experience,I was the step-monster(what she calls me behind my back).