I'm 20. I'm a virgin. I've kissed a couple guys, but nothing that could really be considered sexual because I have this habit of freaking out and running away (sometimes literally). I tell myself that it's because I was molested as a child so I just have issues trusting people, specifically men. But when it comes down to it, I have this whole list of horrible reasons why I can't/shouldn't have sex...but I'm not even against it in theory. I'm just completely and totally insecure in that department.
I know I'm fairly attractive, but I'm not thin (I'm a size 8/10), I have stretch marks (I hit puberty at 9!), and lord only knows my pubic hair is probably unfashionable.
So really, after all that, are any of these fears founded? Am I just looking for a way out? How do I get over this because, honestly, I do have a sex drive, and I've been out with some really hot guys, I just never let anything happen.
2007-02-02 13:33:27 · 21 answers · asked by Annaonymous 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
we should chat mrpoet03@yahoo.com
2007-02-02 13:35:53 · answer #1 · answered by mrpoet03 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You should be proud that you are a respectable young lady. Not too many left around! If you didn't ever get counseling for the sexual abuse, it would be the best thing you could do for yourself. You need to work that out regardless of romantic relationships or not. You need to do that for you only! It will build inner strength, confidence, a positive attitude and a whole new wonderful love for yourself! Sounds great, doesn't it? Do it as soon as you can! As far as being shy and scared with guys and intimacy, it's okay. You need to be true to yourself and until you are totally comfortable with the idea of being with someone, you shouldn't. Don't even think about it. Love will come when the time is right. Be patient and work out other issues and then when Romeo does come knocking, you'll be the best you could ever be and you'll both have a better chance at happiness. True happiness!
2007-02-02 13:45:59 · answer #2 · answered by enjoyrselves 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are so insecure, dont even think about hairs or the fact that you "not thin" All I can say is 8/10 is THIN I cant beleive the things some people think of themselves. I was also molested as a child, whoahh, there, I actually said it. i dont have the same problems as you, infact mine were more like, I just kept chosing abusive men as parteners and couldnt break the cycle.
You are insecure, you need to relax. The fact that you know what the problem stems from is a start and honestly everyone will come on here and some will just sya get over it, dont listen, you need to speak to someone about it, a counsellor or pscyologist, after a few sessions you will probably make a complete recovery. it is a subconscious fear of somrthing bad happening again, though you know it wont, you are worried something may happen and you will not be in control and that scares you. When we are young we are not in control, as we grow up those unfortunate memories like those of you and I are with us and never leave. You are scared even if you dont realise that you may end up in a position that you do not want to be in and seeing as your now 20, you know you do have that choice to either expose yourself to the risk or not too, your being too careful to not get hurt. It is understandable though. Its a feeling on control, you couldnt control what happend in the past so you attempting to control it now. It is a simple enough concept and I understand it completely.
Your 20 now and you know what is going on, you seem mature enough and also ready for this but you need to heal a little first.
it is like this, If someone pats you on the back, it would be ok, its just a pat on the back! but if you were sunburnt and someone laid a finger on your back it would hurt, you would be sensitive, YOU WOULD REACT AND YOU WOULD JUMP This is whats happening, because your already so alert and sensitive to these issues on the inside when someone does something, no matter how simple it may seem it is felt full force by you and emphasised dramatically. This is a normal reaction and I still experience it.
i would suggest firstly talking to you partener, this would help you understand and help him know whats going on, guys dont understand much unless we tell them! If you explain why you feel the way you do, I gaurentee he will listen and if he is a man enough he will help you find a solution together. You will be suprised how good it feels when they know whats going on. Im not suggesting telling everyone though, if it is just random guys you meant you couldnt sleep with I would suggest not saying that Getting some guidance or counselling would be a start (i would suggest that anyway, healing needs to begin, the cuts are open, they need to begin to close for your sake, they wil never go away otherwise).
Id say wait for someone you really love and trust, talk it through with them and figure it out together. if you push yourself into the situation you will do more damage than good. Dont even think about your appearance as an issue, Im bigger than average and Ive never had trouble finding sincere men. You are NOT FAT. girl! If a man is with you then he obviously like you for who you are, its another thing we have in common. When someone abuses you for there own selfish needs its hard to beleive anyone will like us for who we are again, but if a guy is in that position with you, its obvious he digs you heaps, give him a chance, be proud of who you are and what you got and enjoy it dont fear it.
If you want to chat, email me :)
Peace x
2007-02-02 13:58:02 · answer #3 · answered by Kira 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The time will come when it will happen. But, I'm thinking that you should really like this guy. Not because he is "hot." But, because, deep down inside you really like him and you have spent a lot of time with him. You do a lot of things with him. You feel that you are getting serious with him. You know and feel that he loves you. And then it will come naturally. Don't worry about your "size." Don't worry about stretch marks. Just know in your heart that the time is right, and this person is the right person. And you trust him enough to have the "talk" about when you were molested as a child. If he understands you, and talks to you about it, and you feel good about his response, then the time is right.
2007-02-02 13:39:43 · answer #4 · answered by gloria123445566 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i believe if a guy really likes u ..he won't mind ur faults..girl no one is perfect.He must have something wrong with Him.secondly a little personal hygiene won't hurt.Wax or shave of regularly,buy some femine stuff,like the set of femfresh.Then buy biooil and oreal for stretch Marks use them constantly and with time you'll see improvement.
About the molestation,my mate was date raped when we whr teens and it affected her sex life also she became too serious,scared and conservative.I think you should talk to someone and understand that bad things happen to everyone and every disappointment is a blessings.It helps you at least to be modest.By some Kama Sudra videos,buy sex books and in a way study those things.and girl theres a first for everything and perfection cannot be achieved on your first day.Practice makes perfect.I wish you all the luck you need it and dear when you feel bad and down there remember there are people worse than you.you have to be grateful.xx
2007-02-02 14:02:35 · answer #5 · answered by lady c 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, there are lots of women who are a size 10 and have pubic hair, lol...and most of them are loved by men :)
If you've never let anything happen, it may just be because you're not ready to. It takes a lot more than a guy being "hot" to trip my trigger; he also has to be kind, gentle, and understanding.
But I'm concerned about your having been molested as a child. It sounds as though you have some unresolved issues with it, or I don't believe you would have mentioned it. That could certainly be enough to put any young woman off having sex.
I'd suggest counseling and see where it takes you, and best of luck to you.
2007-02-02 13:40:48 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would say that you should probably seek counseling by a licensed counselor. You obviously have some serious psychological issues to work out. On sex, I would say don't rush anything. You should wait for someone you really love and if you've held out this long, you might as well stay a virgin until marriage. You should not dismiss your fears as unfounded as you have endured some serious psychological stress and pain and than should be worked out. For the time being, masturbate while you are alone when you are feeling horny.
2007-02-02 13:38:16 · answer #7 · answered by markbigmanabell 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u sound hot if only you were a size 14 id be all over you. actualy im with the love of my life (sorda) and would ahve it no other way. but you just need to chill out and know that not all guys are lookin for a one night stand. youll get over it just give it time. being a virgin isnt a bad thing dont let people fool you into thinking it is.
2007-02-02 13:38:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW where do you live?? Stll single??????Joking....But I'm not joking when I say that I hope to meet a girl that thinks as you do. You are doing great, change nothing! When you meet the right man, your mind will allow you to open up to him but ever so gradually. You will find yourself when you are comfortable telling him why you are hestitant when it comes to sex (THIS IS NOT A BAD THING), and if he really really is interested he will never push you into it, and he will actually care about you. I'm not sure of your age, but your not doing anything wrong. Just beware of guys that have their own agenda, and make them earn your trust. But don't change right away, make them earn your trust. Honesty, Respect, Admiration, Trust- all lead to one thing....LOVE. Remember this....always. Jeremy
2007-02-02 13:57:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you sure those are only the reasons? Maybe you just haven't felt you have found the right one.
When you feel you are with someone who apreciates you for who you really are and sees you just beautiful the way you are... You really wont feel unconfidence about the way you look naked.
About the pubic hair.. you can do something about it... even yourself... so dont worry its not all girls have haiglights down there :)
I think maybe you just want to do it with someone who loves you and makes you feel special and beautiful (which is included in the love package) :) and theres nth wrong about it... theres nth wrong about waiting for the right one... so dont worry! Good luck.
2007-02-02 13:41:58 · answer #10 · answered by Aija 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, when did a size 8/10 become "not thin"? Second of all, despite your sad past of abuse... twenty really can be too young to have sexual intercourse. Why wait? Well... wait for and pray for more stability in your life. Wait for and pray for a monogomous partner whom you can utterly trust. At twenty, you should be focusing on how to love yourself unconditionally, rather than on sex. Just my opinion. Best of luck.
2007-02-02 13:38:25 · answer #11 · answered by "Corey" 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋