My son is 25 and has a child to a girl who has another child from a previous relationship. He's not working, lacks confidence, is drinking and he seems to be so far away emotionally. My daughter is 22 and has been in a relationship with a man who is over 40. I don't have a problem with the age but she seems to be manipulated by him. He calls her several times a day and sometimes up to 3am which disturbs my sleep. They break up and go back together every week, he won't allow her to have male friends and went through her laptop recently to find her yahoo chat friends, he was angry over it. I guess I can't do much about their lives as I have exhausted myself trying. I have studied at uni for years to become a teacher and I have 1 year left, I'm scared that I will not be able to keep a job because this has been so consuming. My mother tells me I will never have my own life. I wanted to teach in rural areas but there's little chance of that. I'm 43, no relationship and no friends, HELP!
2007-02-02 12:38:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I am assuming by your post they are living at home with you.
1) He better be paying child support for his child. I would discuss this with him and her, even if you don't get along with her (incase you don't) it is the best interest of the child. Him not having a job is no excuse. There is no excuse to not go out and find a job to provide for a living being he help create.
Drinking...AA meetings.
Daughter: New rules in house. No phone calls after 9pm. If there is, phone will be taken away and no longer in use. If still does it, RENT increases of 20.00 per phone call that is made. She doesnt' like it, guess what? She is an adult now. Welcome to adult hood and respect of another person's home.
She can choose who she dates. You can only let her know that she is in an unhealthy relationship. It is up to her whether she wants to stay or go with it.
You raised them. Time for them to raise themselves the rest of the way and you focus on your eduation that you put off for a long time. This is you time. They are old enough to know right from wrong. Not up to you to put up with their wrongs as they make them on purpose.
You as well have the choice to seclude yourself away from people. You are 43. Go out and enjoy life.
Your child should begin to give back to you as you gave to them for many years.
Sometimes you have to let them fall hard and allow them to get up on their own for them to appreciate you. Doesn't mean you failed as a parent or you don't love them. It is just called tough love. The best love you can give.
2007-02-02 18:37:12 · answer #1 · answered by Mutchkin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are your two kids still at home? If so, you have every right to put your foot down and enforce some house rules. In my book #1 would be absolutely no phone calls after a reasonable hour of the evening. Unplug the phones if you must so you can get some sleep. #2 would be your two kids must get jobs and pay rent either that or show them the door. I have two sons, 24 and 18. The 18 year old is still in high school and the 24 year old is between jobs, (still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up) so I have him working on remodeling their bedroom (they share a room). He has ripped up the carpet, removed wall paper, and scraped the cottage cheese ceiling.
I would also expect them to do other jobs around the house, such as laundry, dishes, and cooking.
2007-02-02 12:53:56 · answer #2 · answered by knittinmama 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mother is in the same situation (not with me though). I have a sister who will be 24 in March. She has a Associates Degree in Graphic Design, but since she got fired from her job doing that, all she has had is minimum wages jobs. Before this my mother bought her a brand new car, and even put the down payment on it. My sister does not make enough to pay both her insurance and the car note, that the car has almost be repoed 3 times. Whenever my sister has a problem, my mom has to deal with it. I moved out last year because I was pretty much tired and decided to start my own life. My sister, being older than me (I'm 20) felt that she wanted to move out too, yet has nowhere to move. So she decided she would move in with her boyfriend of 4 months. My mom stressed herself out about the whole situation, but I told her she had to let her go, because if she doesn't she'll never have a life and will end up killing herself over worry.
The fact is, true those are your children and you love them more than anything, but sometimes you have to sit back and think, if something happens to you what will happen to them. You've always been there to help them and save them and to concole them that they don't know how to do anything on their on. As my boyfriend tells my mom, you're only setting them up for failure. It's just like when they learn to ride a bike. You have to teach them the best way you know and let them go out and learn everything on their own. You raised your kids the best way you can, and as a mother I respect you for that, but it's time for you to live and love. God Bless!
2007-02-02 13:18:14 · answer #3 · answered by bre714 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG! I sit here every night wondering how to get my life together now that the kids are grown myself! I have lived my life for my family since I had my son at 18. I made a committment to myself that I would live my life for me now. That doesn't mean stop being a mom... just become less available. I know you love your kids, thats very evident, but if you can't help yourself...you can't help them.
I noticed my kids have reached an age that they don't listen to what I try to tell them, but they now learn by the examples I set. I have one year left of college as well and no significant other...and it's DAMMED hard But, I know that by setting the example and persevering they can blame noone but themselves for the choices they make. You've done your job...now you have to live for you. Finish your education, get a better job, network(you'll make new friends), and never give up on love. Good luck!
2007-02-02 12:55:10 · answer #4 · answered by stormy_one67 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am very sorry to hear that but then glad you are going to school and becoming a teacher. You have to realize you do the best you can to raise your children but then they turn out to what you don't want them to be there is only so much you can do to help them but it seems thats there life they want to live and thats it there is nothing you can do to change it I know its hard but you need to let go and continue your life to the things you want to do but still of course continue to love them which I know you do already just let them know if they every need anything whether its someone to talk to your always there for them, I am 25 and had a very hard life myself with a guy who is 28 and he lives with his mom had jobs off and on cheated on me and the worst but I became smarter and realize I don't need to be putting up with his bs you know you need to continue your life happy and don't let your kids make you angry good luck and god bless you
2007-02-02 12:58:55 · answer #5 · answered by California<3 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to let your kids be. They are adults now, and will just have to learn things the hard way. As for you, you need to get some things to do. People without friends are messed up. Get involved with community activities. Do you have any athletic, artistic, or musical interests? Pursue them! Start finding friends there. Just move on! Make sure your kids know that you love them and are there for them, but don't try to change their lives or who they are. Find a church, too, and start going to one. They'll probably be able to help you. Good luck! ;)
2007-02-02 12:46:20 · answer #6 · answered by mtngrl 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Kick the daughter out and stay out of the drama in your sons life. Simple as that. Give your daughter an eviction notice and tell her she has 30 days to get out, or she will be LEGALLY removed from your home. It's tough, but if they are bothering you in your sleep and not doing anything for the house, it's time they grow wings and get the hell outta mommas house.
2007-02-02 15:48:56 · answer #7 · answered by Pandora 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your children are taking advantage of you emotionally( and financially?) and if you don't cut them off soon they will be sucking you dry for years to come. It will be rough but you eventually need your own life. Tell them you love them and some day when they grow up they will understand.
2007-02-02 12:56:05 · answer #8 · answered by Flipp 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Considering the ages of your children it may be time for them to stand on their own two feet. Obviously they feel they are old enough to live their own lives so why are they still at home? If you let them continue to live with you and continue to support them all you are doing is enabling their behaviour. At the age of twenty two, I was married, started my own family and owned my own business.
2007-02-02 12:50:27 · answer #9 · answered by QT 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, you raised your kids. Yes, their successes and failures do reflect on you, but they are NOW GROWN.
If they are living with you KICK THEM OUT!!
Your son's career is his problem. He needs to grow up, with his girlfriend, on his own.
If your daughters boyfriend is calling your house at 3 am and disturbs your sleep, HAVE A TALK WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. She is old enough to MOVE OUT!!
That will give you time to think about yourself.
2007-02-02 12:57:34 · answer #10 · answered by kabmiller@verizon.net 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋