how do you deal with a "monster-in-law"? =)?

Question

My mother-in-law is the sweetest thing but she's very manipulative and sneaky, in other words.. she's sucha "smooth criminal". She would constantly manipulate my husband to do other things opposing to what my husband and I have originally agreed. My husband is so blinded with his mother's ways that he's totally overlooking the truth that his mom is controling ourlives! it's insane! I love my mother in law and I wish her the best but I just wish that she'd back off and respect the fact that her son is already living his own life with me, his wife and our newly born son. How do I deal with this without hurting anyone in the process. My husband knows exactly how I feel about this issue and he told me to talk to his mom coz he already tried to be involve and tried to help us both but it just didn't work out. If I talk & confront my mother in law, being the manipulative that she is, I'm just so sure that she'll just deny the whole thing and I'd end up being the culprit. HELP. =(

Answer 1

Ignore it the best way possible. Don't burn bridges. It isn't worth it!

Answer 2

My mom has the same problem with my grandma. If you confront her nicely and it changes nothing, you have no other choice than to put up with it, within reason, for the sake of your partner. Do your best to win her over.

If your monster-in-law crosses the line, however, put your foot down and tell her that she must respect you if she wants to spend time in your household. Remind your husband that his marriage should come before his mother, and if he puts her first he can go live with her. He must stand up for you and talk to his mother about respecting you. She needs to know that you are the #1 woman, not her. If she is still a smooth criminal (like my grandma is), limit the time you have to spend with her. Your husband and child can visit her sans you, and she should only be invited to your house (your territory) for holidays. Good luck!

Answer 3

Bless you my child. You are me 25 years ago! I didn't win. My ex-mother in law was the same way. I swear she used the guilt trip thing and the "I didn't raise my son to defy me" thing so much even I started to go along just to keep peace. Keep trying. I gave up. You have to say something but in a way that lets your husband know that you respect the fact that she is the one who gave him life. Just make sure he knows that you are the one who gave him a son.
Unfortunately you will always be the culprit!
Remember this 25 years from now when your son marries.

Answer 4

You are right--you will wind up being the culprit--there is no way to really solve this--if your MIL is manipulative, etc..you are somewhat screwed--just set clear boundaries--always be polite but be very firm--and don't make things about her--make it about--this is how I want to do things, etc..talking to her is probably not going to help since she already knows exactly waht she is doing. SOUnds like your husband is clueless adn wants it all to be hunky-dory adn you are also feeling guilty for seeing some of the reality of waht is going on--Yes--you are nice adn ant to love your MIL--and you love her just as much as you'd love another human being--but face it--you DON"T LIKE HER--it comes through in your statements and frankly, I can see why--she's an interfering pain--get over your guilt--you are not a bad person for noticing how your MIL is far from perfect...try to be polite but stand your ground adn do things your own way...adn don't waste time "talking it over" with her--also--what I've found is that complaining to your husband is a WASTE of time--instead let him see what is going on by himself--the more you say--the more defenses he will put up (notice how you feel guilty even saying she is manipulative? You keep saying you love her over and over--well--your husband is her son--he will feel way too guilty to really admit that she is a problem-he probably thinks you are overreacting)...try to be kind but do your own thing...that said-- I think you get better at this over time...

Answer 5

Monster catch refers to a "great opportunity", "excellent venture" or "chance of a lifetime". Basically, one of the companies will get more than a usual deal gives and the other company will get far less than a usual merger deal brings with it. The "losing" company is probably in dire straits and will only come out breaking even or just saving the company from going under.

Answer 6

well for most men they dont like to hurt there mothers feeling. if he knows it bothers u then he would say stuff right in front of u to his mother when she tries to tell him stuff. thats her little boy adn some mother has a hard time dealing with that. he's grown up and on his own. maybe she dont really like u and hope that her son sees that. if it bothers u that much tell her up front when ur husband is around. call her out on stuff if she says stuff. a person can take so much from a perosn u got to do what u have to do. im glad i dont have that problem. i dont even see my in laws. he dont talk to his family. he picked that i didnt. and sometimes its better off that way. for the most part! wish u well!

Answer 7

This is what I'm afraid of happening if my husband and I move to live in the same city as my mother-in-law. I have a feeling she could be this way.

I have thought about this a lot. My husband is somewhat of a mama's boy, but I knew this before I married him...that's probably why I was attracted to him, that he was so respectful towards women, but it could backfire on me if I let it happen.

What you need to do and understand is that when you're over at her place, she does get to tell you what to do, you're visiting her so you have to accomodate to her plans with you guys and just suck it up. When you are all living your regular lives and she has the nerve to call you to do things for her, you need to be firm and put your foot down and stick to your plans. Call ahead of time if you're planning a trip to see her and tell her what you're thinking of doing and if she has other plans. There you both can come up with a schedule that doesn't interfere with what either of you plan to do. It would be nice if your husband could be there, or if he did the talking while you were with him and make sure he doesn't get talked into changing too much for his mom.

If she interferes too much in your lives, just tell her. Thanks for the advice I'll/we'll think about it.
Learn to say phrases that don't have a clear "yes" or "no" for her requests...just say, "That's a good point, we'll think about that." "Thanks for your concern, we'll consider it if we need to." "We'll let you know, we have to discuss other issues along with that."

See? That takes her out of the equation and brings it back to you and your husband to decide on whether to listen to her or not and not have to act on what she says right away. If she starts telling you what to do, just stop her and repeat one of those phrases. Just make it clear that you as a couple have to decide first if that's what you want to do. If she starts acting bothered, let her know it's really not necessary that she tell you what to do. The discussion will build from there, she'll realize as well as your husband that his mom is a bit demanding and manipulative as you say.

Stick to your non-commital phrases and repeat them when necessary. It'll work out for you eventually when she gets tired of talking and no one is listening.

Answer 8

yup agreed with the above, your husband needs to move away from his mother for like 10 years and find out what he is made of with out her help, your mother in law will never change her ways, that is the way she relates to her son. even if you guys moved to the other side of the planet for 20 years when you moved back or visited it would be the same thing all over again. Mothers continue to use thier spells on thier children, until they get dementia...

Answer 9

Been there done that. I decided to confront my mother in law about her behaviour. I was calm and polite when I spoke to her about her behaviour and how it was affecting me. She went nuts and told my husband he had to choose between us. Needless to say it didn't work out well for her. If you can tolerate her go ahead, but watch a few episodes of "Everybody Loves Raymond" and ask yourself if you can live like that for the rest of your life.

Answer 10

first of all, I think your husband needs to stand up for himself and his family. Cut the apron strings so to speak. If your mother in law is interfering, you AND your husband need to talk to her. Wait until the moment arises, like a time she may try to manipulate your decisions, then politely tell her, Mom, thank you for your input but we have it under control, or Mom, thanks for the advise, we will certainly think about it.

Answer 11

You should have had the "I'm number one now" talk before you got married. You're still number two to his mom, and that will break up a marriage. Tell him to choose. Otherwise, you should pack your bags and leave. Oh, by the way, you're not the only one having to deal with this monster in law problem, so you might consider just roughing it. A lot of women do.