A few general ettiquette questions?

Question

I've decided to do something besides avoid people at all costs and hiding in corners when I have to come out. That said, I'd like to know how to not be an overly rude jackass, so I have some questions. 14 (nearly 15) years old, female. Live in the US if that makes much of a difference.

1. What do I call my peers' parents? I have a vague sense that first names are too informal, but if I call someone "Mr. Smith," that doesn't sound right either. Generally I try to avoid the names altogether.

2. When someone invites you over to dinner, what's the proper ettiquette? Assume it's a friend, in a want-to-stay kind of way. I have good table manners and offer to do dishes, but I'm so incredibly awkward with conversation I just end up sitting there like a rock. I don't have some internal social compass to follow. I've tried.

3. What are some general ettiquette rules? I seriously have no sense for this kind of thing. I only know one rule: If you don't say anything, you can't mess up.

Answer 1

1. It doesn't hurt to call them Mr. or Mrs. They will most likely tell you to call them by their first names, but that makes a really good impression

2. As far as dinner conversation, you could always pay attention to the news and discuss that kind of stuff, or even ask questions about different items in the house you've seen. People like to be complimented on their taste in decor.

3. Don't discuss religion or politics unless you know you are all like-minded. Most people don't expect teens to be really conversational. However, you can always talk about post-high school plans, anything interesting you may have done i.e. volunteer work, vacation, book you've read, music you like.

It sounds like you're rather polite as it is. No one expects you to be perfect. Just relax as much as you can and be yourself.

Answer 2

How nice that you want to be a polite 15 year old! A good idea is to read ettiquette articles online, or buy a book. Good housekeeping magazine has a manners column, it is listed on my home screen on Yahoo!.
Mostly, manners are remembering to say please and thank you. Would you like some more potatoes Sally? Yes please. Thank you for inviting me for supper Mrs. Smith, it was really good. You're welcome, Sally, and please call me Susan. and yes, call the parents Mr. and Mrs., until they give you permission to do otherwise, that is the polite thing to do.
A trick in conversation is to find something you have in common with the other person, and talk about that. Mrs. Smith, Jane tells me you went to Paris last summer on vacation. I really want to go to Paris.Tell me what you saw., Or, this casserole is really good, can I have the recipe? My Mom collects recipes, I know my Dad would really like this. Or, I'm trying to learn how to cook, do you have some easy from scratch recipes you could give me? Was this dish difficult? I really want to know how to make___, do you have a good recipe, or can you give me some hints?
Learn to ask questions that might have long answers, so you can be quiet and listen longer, LOL. Things to ask about are vacations, children"s antics, pets, what someone does for a living.
And technically, it is the hostesses job to keep the conversation at the table going. There you go, another ettiquette pointer!
And go to dinner prepared to answer basic questions, how are you doing in school? Pretty good, thanks, I really love my ___ class, the teacher makes it so interesting! No, no boyfriend right now, Mom says I can date in mixed groups when I turn 15, I can't wait!
And don't put so much pressure on yourself, people do not expect a 15 year old to be conversant on much of anything except school and boys. Check the news and see if something interested you there, a heartwarming rescue story, or a favorite tv show, {pick one the parents may have seen]. You will learn as you go how to pick up a lagging dinner conversation. Watch and listen to others, and how they do it.
Good, luck!

Answer 3

1) You should always address adults by their title and last name (such as Mr. Smith or Dr. Jones), unless the adult specifically requests that you call them something else ("Call me Auntie Rose, dear.") This is just a sign of respect you should show to all adults, and that teenagers should show to you when you become an adult.

2) Tell whoever cooked the meal how much you enjoy it, and ask if it's an old family recipe, what their favorite dish is, etc. You can also talk with your friend as you would normally - discuss school, shared interests, etc. Ask her parents what they do for a living, and if they enjoy it, and what the best part of their day/job is. If she has siblings, ask what they are studying, what their favorite subject is, what do they like to do in their free time, etc. If you get really stuck, you can also compliment items in the home - "Gee, what a neat picture on that wall! Where is that landscape? Is it a family heirloom? Oh, from your great-aunt, what was she like?"
People like to tell stories, especially about their favorite things, so you just have to give them the opportunity. Don't make assumptions, but feel free to ask questions and show your interest.

3) Being shy is hard. Maybe your parent or school counselor can recommend a therapist or coach who can help you come out of your shell. It's not to late to join Girl Scouts or 4H - they do all sorts of fun activities and really help you gain confidence and self-esteem. In general, just look around for someone you admire (somebody both confident and kind) and imitate them. Your idea that "If you don't say anything, you can't mess up" isn't really true - sometimes by staying quiet you make the other person feel like THEY are doing something rude or wrong. The whole purpose of etiquette is to make everyone feel comfortable and valued, and to consider everyone's feelings.

Answer 4

I was and still am like you are, and I'm in my mid 40's now. Here are some things that I have learned;

First be yourself. Your friends know who you are. They are not expecting you to be have differently around their parents, or at dinner.

Ask a peer what you should call their parent, if the parent does not come out and say their name to you. They may say "I'm Sandi" or "I'm Mrs. Smith". If no-one says anything, use the Mr. or Mrs. until your told otherwise.

Proper etiquette - again be yourself. It is up to your Host to involve you into a conversation. Be polite, quiet if you wish to be, and enjoy yourself.

Invite your peers over to your home. Watch how they interact with your parents. You be the Host. Talk about a movie, school, ... . On your own turf, it is a bit easier.

The more often you do it, the more relax you will be.

Answer 5

Here's some pointers:

(1) True, at your age, Mr. and Mrs. Smith sounds too formal, but first names can sound too informal for friends' parents. When I was your age, within my groups of friends, most of our parents would let us know what they preferred to be called by our friends, or at least what they absolutely didn't want to be called. It really differs from one adult to the next - some didn't want to be called by first names by our friends, because they felt it was too informal and was somewhat rude. Others didn't want to be addressed as "Mr." or "Mrs.", because it made them feel too old, or sometimes they were embarassed if they had remarried and had a last name other than their child's last name. So I guess the first thing to do would be to discuss the name issue with your friends in advance.

(2) Sounds like normal teenage behavior to me.

(3) There are formal rules for each and every situation - but just remember the little things like "please" and "thank you" - they can go a long way.

Answer 6

1) peers parents deserve the Mr or Mrs whatever. Not using those titles with the last name shows disregard for them which is truly insulting.
2) listen to the conversation going on around you, smile when someone looks at you. follow up on the conversation with an aside - this will keep you in the talking game.
3). what type of general etiquette rules do you refer? the basics as in which fork or spoon to use? do i blow my nose at the table? do i have to eat everything on my plate?

Answer 7

1. I would use Mr./ Ms. + first name - here in the South that is good manners with parents you know unless they invite you to call them something else.

2. Don't feel like you have to be the center of attention. Relax, be yourself, enjoy dinner and the conversation around you, and join in if you feel like it. They only expect that from you and nothing more.

You are already ahead in the manners game. Just do like you'd want to be done to and you will do well.

Answer 8

The fact that you're aware that you may have bad manners shows that you have okay manners. But, in answer to your questions:
1) Call them Mr or Mrs unless they tell you to call them by some other name.
2) You can talk about lots of things at the table, just avoid politics, religion, and disgusting things, like your latest surgery. If you have any interests, you can talk about them.
3) The golden rule of ettiquette is, "Treat others as you'd like to be treated." So don't ask questions you wouldn't want to answer yourself, and stuff like that.

Answer 9

Okay... #1 call your friends parents what they ask you to, or ask you friend what they like to be called. If they like to be called Mr. and Mrs. Smith call them that.... if they like to be called by their first name, call them that. AND if you are really close to a friend.. say like a sister friend you can call them mom and dad (if they think of you as part of the family and ONLY if they dont mind.)

#2) Try to make as much small talk at dinner of you can...you can ask your friend to prep their parents to your shyness so they can ask you questions that can engage you in conversation.

#3) Always say please, and thank you....you seem to have that down pretty good as well as helping with the dishes.

Answer 10

Well, I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. But I just wanted to say how impressed I am with your apparent level of thoughtfulness and maturity. I have plenty of relatives your age who don't care or think about any of these things. Heck, I didn't even think about any of this at your age, but I wish I had!

You are far ahead of your peers when it comes to manners, and I have no doubt that you will soon be exceeding others' expectations, if you aren't already. Good luck!