Single mother father not in picture?

Question

My ex husband has chosen not to be part of our 4 yr old sons life. He was abusive and is now on his 3rd child since we split up 3 yrs ago. My son asks alot about him and I kinda dance around the answers and just tell him that his dad lives far away and maybe when you are older you can see him. He asks if he could call him but we haven't heard from him in over a year. (I don't know where he lives all I know is somewhere in Delaware and I don't have a phone number)There has been no birthday cards or christmas cards since we split. How do I approach this with my son? How can I make sure that his fathers lack of care and concern for his son won't ruin my son.

Answer 1

Tricky. The son has a right to know about it, and it's natural he should be curious, but finding out the harsh truth at this impressionable age could be damaging.
Since the father is abusive, do NOT let the son have contact with him, and do NOT make any attempt to reach him.

Be careful not to insult the father or mention too many bad things about him - from your son's perspective, this man is half of him, so having a bad daddy means he is a bad boy himself. When he's older, he can learn to separate his father's actions from his own self-worth.

Maybe just tell him that "Your father had to go away. He was real sorry he couldn't be a better daddy to you, because he knows what a special boy you are." (a pleasant lie, but it will console his confusion over why daddy doesn't seem to love him). Tell him honestly that you don't know where he is or how to reach him, so there's just no way to talk with him, but maybe your son could write him letters or draw him pictures so that if he does find his daddy someday, he can give him the letters (this will give you good insight into what your son is really upset about).
good luck!

Answer 2

Firstly he can't just walk away and have nothing to do with the child. At the very least he will have to pay you some form of child support. I also don 't think that it is irresponsible to have a child without a father. Would you advocate people who have lost a partner whilst pregnant to give their child away? What about people whose other halves work away from home most of the year and don't see their children? Are they irresponsible too? No, of course not. There are plenty of very well adjusted kids who don't have dads (or maybe mums for that matter) Is it iirresponsibleto deliberately go out and get pregnant without a father figure in the picture - probably. But you didn't choose this, it just happened. You also don't know what his true reaction will be. Give him some time. It may be that once he gets used to the idea he may want to be a father even if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. My daughter's dad wasn't interested (tried to make me have an abortion etc) until I was 7 months pregnant and then he suddenly changed his mind and has now been a great dad for nearly 9 years. You can never tell. Either way best of luck and I hope you have a wonderful child who brings you lots of joy.

Answer 3

I was once a single mother and for awhile chose to carry the burden of what kind of father my ex husband was. He stayed out of my childrens lifves for about two years. Now that i look back at it was a blessing . Even though i wanted to say bad things i didnt. My son is now 13 and very loving and smart. He is closer to his step dad. I would always make my son feel special and never let him feel less than because his father was away. Im not sure if you want his father in life but if he isnt help you support one way to locate him is the local child support office. And after he starts to help you then maybe he will show more interest. When your son starts school he will see other children have divorced parents. I would do all i could to give him a happy life with you and get him signed up for things to keep him busy. Im sorry if my answer isnt telling you how to deal with this. it is tough i know, i guess time is your best answer.

Answer 4

Simply explain to your son that there are 'good, legal reasons' his father couldn't see him when he was younger, and that you really don't want him to have any contact with his father until he is a grown up. Tell him that he is a 'very good child' and that you 'love him as much as you can' and that there is nothing he 'did' to make his father go away. Right now he's only four, so the 'best thing' you can do is reassure him that he is a 'very good child' and his father being away is NOT HIS FAULT. As he gets older, you may tell him 'more' but always do your very best to keep it as 'emotionless as possible' when you tell him, and NEVER use the word 'abusive' in connection with his father until the child is at least 18 years old. And if possible, get your son involved in a 'Big Brothers' association, so he'll have a 'good male role model' ... but even if you don't ... my husband was 'raised by' his mother and two older sisters, and while some men think he's 'gay' to me he's simply the BEST MAN IN THE WORLD, and he did that with 'no male role model' in his life.

Answer 5

At 4 years old he sounds pretty mature. I think its time you sat him down and actually talked to him about it. It may not be easy and you don't need to spill your guts about all the nastiness. But, at 4 he knows something isn't right about your answers or else he wouldn't keep asking.
Tell him as much as the truth you know he can handle.
If your not sure how to go about this maybe you can talk to a priest, pastor or counsler of some kind.
If I had this problem I think I would sit him and down and start with i know you have a lot of questions about your dad. I wish I could answer them for you, but, just like you I don't know the answers. Mom doesn't know where he lives or how to find him right now. Maybe when your older we can look together and see if we can find a phone number or address for him. I know you must be sad and have lots of questions. I promise I will answer the ones I can, and we will keep a notebook for the ones I don't know so we don't forget.
Mind you the notebook just assures him that your not dismissing him or his feelings. At first you may hear a lot from him, eventually it will become less and less because the curiosity won't be so driving.
I wouldn't mention anything about his father choosing not to be apart of his life or anything now..maybe when he is older you can discuss that with him.
Good Luck

Answer 6

Well, it's a good thing that the father isn't around since he's abusive, but the downside is your son is suffering because he wants his father. This is a no win situation. Just make sure you don't degrade your ex in front of your son, this is not good for the child. You must continue to be strong and supportive to your son and he will survive and adjust. It sounds like you are already doing a great job. Hang in there - your son won't be ruined by his father's lack of concern, he will come through strong because he has a mother like you. You need to persue child support, not for revenge, but because the father needs to take responsibility. I wish all the best for you.

Answer 7

It's only right for your son to be curious about where the dad is. I do think four years old is a bit young to be telling all the details too, but don't avoid the questions. Explain them as best you can, and when he's older he'll be able to take the news in a lot better. You're a single mom and if the dad wants to be a deadbeat, let him. You don't worry about the dad, you worry about you and your son and what you need to do to take care of him. He's a kid, he's going to ask questions, just tell him as much truth as you think he can take at this point.

Answer 8

Having dealt with this to an extent with my own children- I can say that all you can do is tell him that right now, his daddy doesn't know HOW to be a good daddy- and it's not the child's fault.

My daughter is 17, and her father has never been interested in being a part of her life. For many years, she never even talked about him- it wasn't anything that ever came up. As she got older, I was able to use her experience with her own father in talking to her about relationships of her own- i.e. "be careful in who you choose to go out with, have kids with" etc. I told her that we were both young and immature when she was born (we were 19) and that he wasn't mature enough to step up to the plate. I also told her that it's important to realize it's not HER, it's him.

I'd encourage you to get involved with Big Brothers/Big Sisters- even if there is a waiting list. Your son needs to see that there are good men out there.

When your son inquires, just say that you have lost touch with his father, and that he'll be the first to know if the man calls (but that call will be up to you).

It's not easy. It gets harder. The important thing is to develop a rapport with your child NOW- and always make him feel comfortable talking to you about anything. I know that through this experience with my own children, I can at least "think" that given what we've been through, they will make better decisions than I did.

Good luck.

Answer 9

My daughter is 5 and hasn't heard from her dad in 3 years. She has never even mentioned his name or say anything about her daddy. If you ask her who her dad is, she will tell you that it is Jesus because he is the one taking care of her and us. I always tend to wonder if she might pop the question because she is in school as sees the dads coming in and out for the other kids and her sissy goes with her dad every other weekend. But she doesn't mention a thing. I am just playing it as it goes.

If she asks me one day, I will tell her the truth and stress to her that it's not my fault. My dad was never a part of my life since also at the age of 2. But I did okay.

Answer 10

Delecately. You approach this delecately. He apparently wants to know his dad, but sometimes what we want isn't always what we get. Sadly, he'll learn that quickly. You need to sit him down and talk to him about how is dad is great, (even if he's not) but he's really busy right now. Yea, you may be lying to him, but you won't hurt him. Tell him that you can't reach him (which you can't) and you don't know when he will be able to see him. DON'T make any promises. Kids hold you up to them.. always. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I never let go of the fact that when they were 5 they said they'd never get a divorce. One day you'll have to tell him the truth, but he's too young to know everything about him you do.