No headstone at cemetary?

Question

I have a friend who committed suicide almost 3 years ago and she still doesn't have a headstone. There is just a piece of paper in plastic on a wire sticking out of the ground. My friends want to get one but do we have to contact the family to have one put there. We almost don't want to include them since it is almost a slap in the face to my friend who committed suicide. Almost like everything she felt inside was actually true. So do you think we should contact them or not?

Answer 1

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. My first love committed suicide, so I know that pain and void you feel.

I feel it is up to the family to place the formal headstone on her grave. Yes, it is unfortuante that they have not found the strength to put one up as of yet, but her parents are still in pain and to put a headstone up will for them, take a lot of courage. One of the boys in my highschool class died in a car accident a few years after graduation, and his parents still have not put up a stone either and he died more than 10 years ago, so this is not the first time I have heard of this situation. The pain is real and raw still. Anyway, could you and your friends have a small plaque or engraved stone created for her in her honor to place there as a memorial from you and your friends to her? Something that could stay there as a remembrance once her parents decide to put up the permanent stone? This is someting you could do on your own without their blessing because it could be moved and replaced on her grave once the formal permanent stone is placed. In addition, permanent headstones cost thousands of dollars and I am not sure what your financial situation is.

I can easily see how you feel its disrespectful to your friend for her parents to not have yet placed a permanent stone, but everyone greives in their own way. I think it would be more disprespful for you to go over her parents heads and put one up on your own UNLESS you do talk to them and they agree on a design that you, your friends and family come up with together. It sounds like you harbor animosity toward the family, so just make sure to approach her family with respect and good intentions should you decide to contact them. Good luck.

Answer 2

We really do not own the cemetary plots we pay for, but, the person who paid for the plot has the right to say yes or no to a headstone.
The proper way is to ask the person who paid for the plot if it is alright. If you go to that person, and say what is in your heart, that your friends and you would like to take up a collection for a headstone, and purchase it, and say it without blame or censure, your chances are good that they will say yes. Since you really do not know the reason why one was not purchased, if it was a money thing, or they are ashamed of the suicide, or they really didn't ever care about your friend, just ask nicely..
Then you go to the cemetary and ask what there rules are for placement, and what they allow. Some cemetaries have strict rules, like the one my parents are in, some do not. And some even sell their own markers.
If the answer is no, there is nothing stopping you and your friends from placing flowers frequently. My guess is that the family does not go to the grave much, if at all, though I could be very mistaken. They might never find out about the flowers.
Be forewarned though, markers can be very expensive, my parents, bless them, had the plot and the headstone purchased, and placed long before their deaths, it cost me nothing to add Dad's date of death under his already there name to the headstone, next to Mom's name and date. And my place is there, and paid for, by them. I need to see about the marker.
LOL, more info than you asked for, but I thought I would tell you how easy my parents made things for me, it really helped. Just some advice for you and your friends, you might want to someday prepare for yourself, so you are assured of a headstone, you won't have to have your friends take up a collection for yours.
It's very nice of you to care.

Answer 3

I would contact the cemetery to find out what their policy is regarding the placement of monuments. Perhaps you could even explain the full situation and let them know why you are hesitant to talk with the family and would just prefer to go ahead and get a monument up.

This will accomplish a few things for you:

(1) You will find out if the cemetary will or will not allow you to place a marker at the gravesite without the family's permission.

(2) You will find out if, once the marker was placed, the family would be able to remove it, despite the expense you and your friends went to to have the marker placed.

(3) The cemetery might actually be able to tell you if there was a legitimate reason for the marker not being placed - such as if the family didn't have enough money, since these can be very expensive.

(4) You might find out that the cemetery has rules and regulations regarding the marking of graves, which might place limits on what you would be able to purchase, or might actually require that a marker be placed within a certain amount of time. In which case, they might be very glad to have someone step forward who was interested in accomplishing this goal.

I am sorry to hear that your friend's gravesite appears as though she is unremembered, and glad to hear in your question that she's certainly still loved and remembered among her friends. Wha a thoughtful thing to do!

Answer 4

I gather that your friend had problems with her family? I suspect that they miss her too and would appreciate a headstone. I'm not sure why they haven't done it -- it could be because they can't afford it or maybe because they have been so affected by her death that they can't handle thinking about it.

In a way you've answered your own question because it sounds like working with her family is the only way to do it. So if you want to do it, contact them.

If it makes you feel any better, your friend did not commit suicide because of her family. She committed suicide because she was very depressed and had poor mental health.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 5

You should contact them because most likely they own the deed to the grave. Also ask the cemetery what designs they allow. Some of them only want flat headstones and not upright ones. As for their reasons for not having one bear in mind that headstones are not cheap and can costs a couple thousand dollars and they may simply not have the money for it or it is still a very painful loss for them.

Answer 6

Do you think it is a money issue. Tombstones can cost up to $3,000. I would ask the cemetary director if anyone can put in a tombstone. If you are allowed, you could out of courtesy tell the family what you are going to do. Even if they are against it, you will have given them a chance. There are lots of reasons why people don't buy headstones right away. It might be nice to find out why before judging people. Grief shows itself in many ways.

Answer 7

Either the headstone was never ordered, or perhaps your friend didn't want one or the family.

Yes, if you do, contact the family FIRST and if they agree, and the cemetery, because these are costly $500 and up for headstone.

Because if the family finds out there's a stone, they could ask the cemetery who put it there without permission, so careful.

Answer 8

If the point is to get the headstone there, then communicating with the family is a step toward that goal. The cemetary won't let you without the family consent anyway.

Answer 9

I would contact the people who run the cemetery and ask what their policy is. Perhaps it is just too painful still for this girl's family to get a head stone or perhaps they really can't afford it. One way you could go about it is to call the girl's mother and ask if it would be alright if you and some of your friends could help buy the headstone. Communication is always the best way to go.

Answer 10

God, that is heart breaking but I do think you should get permission from the family. In fact the cemetary may not allow you to do it without the families permission. Just remeber though you may not like the answer or response the family gives you. At the least I would talk to the people who have the cemetary and see what they say first.