What to do with my daughter?

Question

She's 14, has got this awful attitude, doesn't respect me or her father. I know it's normal for her age, but honestly, I feel like grounding her forever. She won't sit and talk!

Answer 1

If she won't sit and talk, then make her sit and Listen.

Answer 2

I am nearly 14 and I don't feel I should give much respect to my parents. They are always trying and pressing to find out whats been going on at school and they always assume that everything that happens there is bad. I also discovered a keylogger placed by my parents (sneaky program that keeps track of what you type) on my computer. I was so ticked off I probably could have destroyed my computer at the time. After I found out there was a keylogger I decided not to ever use my computer again because of the major privacy invasion. If they are watching my every move on the computer I would much rather not use it at all. I also found out that my cellphone had a GPS system tracking me everywhere I went. Once I found out about that I took a hammer and destroyed the phone. Now I don't use a cellphone. I also found out that they were monitering what I was watching on TV. Naturally I quit watching it.The whole point is that I don't trust adults anymore. They always seem to be trying to invade my privacy. If you are invading your daughters privacy or constantly trying to press her for information about whats going on she's never going to respect you. Would you like to be constantly monitered all day and night? Or would you like to be interrogated the moment you walk into your home instead of being welcomed and hugged and kissed by someone you love? Now I try my best to avoid my parents because they never talk to me without being pushy.

oh and taking away priveleges won't do a thing if she's strong in the mind and stubborn as a mule like I am she will survive and thrive in the peace and quiet away from technology. Instead I sit and daydream while staring at my wall or reading my way through a nice thick book

Answer 3

Don't let her go to the movies with her friends. Take away the computer, TV, iPod and/or cell phone. Explain these are privileges that must be earned. Whatever you do, don't give up.

At the same time, make sure good behavior is rewarded. If she's grounded but has been good for a day or two, make an exception for one night and let her go to the movie with her friends.

It's a tough like to walk. You want her to know there are negative consequences for bad behavior. But you also want her to understand that good behavior has it's rewards.

As a side note: I manage a movie theatre and one of the biggest problems we have is junior high age kids who don't know how to behave themselves when parents are not around or are just flat out disrespectful of other movie goers. When you drop her off at the movies, remind her to turn off the cell phone during the show and not talk.

Answer 4

the childrens aide society have great ways of helping to talk to your teenagers. Most of the time, its because the don't feel respected as a person, maybe she needs a little responsibility to make her feel better like a job for 2 1/2 days a week something that won't interfear with her school work. This usually helps.. Take care Heather

Answer 5

If she won't respect you or her father, then neither of you should respect her.

If she's going to give you an attitude, do something about it! Sitting and talking isn't going to help. She may look like she's listening, but in her head she's got music playing and a little voice saying "blah..blah..blah.."

If she cops an attitude with you, start taking priveledges away. TV, phone, internet, friends over, etc. You gave her those things, and if she can't respect you then she shouldn't get them.

Eventually, she'll have no activities left to do..and then you can sit and talk since she'll be bored out of her mind... Good luck :-)

Answer 6

Stand your ground with her! Let her know that you would very much like to be her friend but being her mother comes first, for her safety! Be open with her. If she is in no harm try to give her space and let her make her own decissions but be there for her always and don't over react...even if you want to scream and shake her. Remember you were there not too long ago and needed to be your own person but was grateful that your mom was there when you needed her. If nothing else you two will be sipping cappuccinos and laughing about her behavior in 5-10 years. HUG HER every chance you get for no other reason than you love her.

Answer 7

I have a 13 year old daughter and when we have this problem with her, we take things away from her: the cell phone, her computer, television, she has to stay home, things like that and we stick to it! We don't give in no matter how much she pleads, but we don't make it an unreasonable amount of time, sometimes even taking everything and every privilege away from her for a Friday, Saturday and Sunday straightens her out, at least for awhile.

Answer 8

Teenagers are moddy little creatures.
I was really moody with my mom, so she told me to get in the car to go to the store with her. When I got in and the doors locked I knew I was in for something. It turned into a road trip!
We were stuck together! No way out or home or to excape! It worked!!!
Keep on her about talking. it may just the moody teenage monster stage or it could be more, so keep gon her to keep on communicating.Never give up on her and If need be ground her for a week or so from everything and everone.

Answer 9

It's true that this is a stage, but it doesn't make it right. My mom and I went through the same thing...the problem was that we couldn't find a way to communicate. Talking face to face was something I didn't want to and couldn't do. So, the way we solved the problem was e-mailing each other, or leaving notes around the house. I know it doesn't make for the best communication, but it was easier on me to express my emotions this way in writing. Who knows...try it out? Maybe this is her problem. That's all I have. Goodluck. :)

Answer 10

Hi Karen,
I understand what you are saying. When I was 14, I was drinking and drugging. By 15 I was a full blown alcoholic. I would treat my parents terribly, and honestly, there was no reason for it. Or so I thought.

It wasn't until many years later did I find out why, and then I found out exactly how to remove it permanently from my life. Your daughter may have an “awful attitude” or be “disrespecting” to you and your husband, but those are not the real issues that we are dealing with here. These are merely symptoms from something much deeper. Children don’t generally just out lash on others unless something is causing it. From my own experience, I found that when one issue was done, I just replaced it with the another. It turned into a never ending battle, until I found the source.

What I believe is that your daughter is hurting. I don't know the details, but somewhere during her lifetime, she has "felt" rejection. Rejection comes in many forms. It can be subtle, or it can be more obvious. Whatever occurred is why she is suffering.

When we have stomach aches we usually lie down, moaning and groaning; when we have a cold, we sneeze and cough; and when we are emotionally hurting, we often times, lash out at those most dear to us, and usually don’t even know why.

If you remove the attitude and disrespect, she will just replace it with something else. The real issue is finding out her "why". What happened? Where is her pain coming from? She needs to be listened to without judgment. We, as parents, are here to find her pain, not to argue or disagree about it. She just needs to be heard.

I couldn't believe it. When they helped me find my "why", I had no idea that it was even in me. As the words came out, so did the pain. I carried that pain for 15 years. It absolutely consumed my life, and nearly killed me more times than I'd like to think about.

Your daughter probably doesn't even know herself, why she is doing what she is doing. On the surface she may, but not what is deep inside. The roots of rejection run so deep that few of us are actually aware of what is holding us back.

The funny part is that it all comes down to this: Unconditional love. That is to love someone for who they are, not what they have done.

The next thing to understand goes with an old adage that I learned: The squeaky wheel gets the oil. It is all too familiar to us. Life get’s so busy that we just don’t have time for one another. It isn’t until something get’s our attention: misconduct, accidents, sicknesses… that we realize that we have been neglecting someone or something. If we would flip that by focusing our time on the positive moments with our children, and less on the negative, what do you think would happen? Interesting thought…

Children love and need attention. What ever we do to give them the most attention is where there habits will form. If getting in trouble gets our attention, guess what habit will form. If being praised for good grades is where our attention is, then guess what habit will form. If being a troublemaker raises our attention, then guess what habit will form. Get the idea? Just fill in the blank of what your child is doing or the path that he is walking and you will find what you praise or don’t praise.

I am going to add one more thing. I am currently a father of 6 girls. I use this line frequently, but only when I absolutely truly mean it. No matter how hard, we as parents try, we, all too often, fail miserably. I am guilty of failing my children. What I am getting at is we need to ask forgiveness to our children, just as we ask forgive from our Father.

Don’t be afraid to humble yourself and tell your child to: please forgive me for failing you as a parent…
It really opens up the path of communication when your children know you make mistakes too.

Remember: Children learn 10% by what you say; they learn 90% by what you do.

Your brother in Christ,
Rodney C
12 Hatred stirs up strife,
But love covers all sins.
Proverbs 10:12

Answer 11

I remember being 14, it was only 6 years ago.
I remember WANTING to talk to my parents, but at the same time not really wanting to. I guess it's a finding yourself thing. Finding the inner strength to figure out what I NEED to do, and not what my parents need/want me to do.
The best thing you can do, is stop pushing her - but let her know you're here nad you're not going anywhere.
And if all else fails, lock her in her room, haha.