Would you feel insulted if someone said this to you as a mother?

Question

I am a single mom. My brother rough houses with my daughter and I have asked him so many times to be more gentle with her. He has accidently hurt her a little. Not bad... but by being more rough then I am comfortable with. They have so much fun and laugh and play. But as a parent I would like to be able to say 'don't be so rough' and have that respected instead of ignored. There have been times that she has asked him to stop as well, and he hasn't. Finally I emailed him and told him that this is starting to upset me. It shouldn't be such a big deal. Just stop when the parent asks you too. He emailed me back saying this: "she doesn't have a dad or brothers so I am helping her toughen up because life is hard out there." I felt that he was basically saying that I am raising her to be a wimp and that I am not capable, as a single mother to raise a well balanced child that can do well out in the world. How would you as a mother take this? Would you feel cristisized?

Answer 1

This is your kid-he is supposed to respect your wishes. And roughhousing with a kid to the point where they are getting hurt is too rough. You can "toughen" up a kid other ways than stomping the crap out of them. Does he have kids? Is he a single parent? And life is hard but unless she is going to live vikings or pirates, she doesn't need all the physical "training". If he can't respect your wishes then he needs to stay away from your daughter. He can pull the jockomo crap with someone elses kid.

If he continues then beat the crap out of him with a baseball bat. Actually don't do that but thats probably what he needs-you know, to "toughen" him up because life is hard out there.

Answer 2

I think you have a right to be upset because he doesn't honor your request to play less roughly, especially since she has been hurt a little, and has asked him to stop. He is surely out of line there- and you as the parent have the absolute say there. I undertand his point re the "balanced childhood"- but rough housing isn't the answer. Being a good male role model is the answer, and rough and tough doesn't cut it. So- stick to your guns about the rough stuff, and limit their time together, if that's what it takes for him to get the message that his behavior is unacceptable, and if he wants to bond with her, and help her learn about life, he needs to do it in a more gentle way.

Answer 3

I would yes. As a mother I would tell him that physical toughness has nothing to do with the hardships of the world. You have to be tough mentally and furthermore it is not up to him how tough or not she is. I mean how would he feel if someone bigger and tougher roughed him up? Just because she doesn't have any male influence in either brothers or a father doesn't mean that she will grow to be any less than an individual. he should respect your position as a parent. If she has been hurt even a little than he must stop. If they have a good time regardless than he should not jeopardize their friendship by making her feel afraid of him, because eventually she will. It is important that men and women learn to treat each other and themselves with respect, understanding and with gentleness. I think you should talk it over with him again-in person and tell him your situation, how you feel and that he should be of help and not a hindrance.

Answer 4

I would have a serious, serious problem with it. There is a difference in teaching her about life and programming her to deal with someone making her feel powerless, and in essence, teaching her to tolerate abuse later in life - no matter how slight it may be. If he thinks that she needs a male role model that badly, then he needs to be teaching in a more constructive way, especially if he has hurt her 'just a little' and she herself has asked him not to be so rough. That sends the message to her that what she requests isn't important, and forbid when she is older in a relationship and whoever she is with is too rough and she keeps her mouth shut because 'no one will listen' or she should just deal with is cause that is life. Self-defense is teaching her how to take care of herself. "...help her toughen up because life is hard out there.." is a bunch of bull and he doesn't see your point and wants his way because he believes he is right. He is not. It is hard enough being a female in the world today, and he would not have the first inkling of what it is like on our side, with him being male. You are not comfortable with this for a reason, and you know why your instincts tell you this. Maybe past experience of your own or seeing someone else treated in a way they don't want to be and have no choice. Don't let this alter her instincts about how she can and can NOT be treated. She is young; this is definately teaching her something and it may not be what he intends or you want in the long run. She will not forget it, either, and it can come back to haunt you. It has to stop, one way or another.
Tell him, hey - you hurt my feelings. But you are not a girl, so you don't know why this bothers me or what it takes to be one. You want to help her, fine. Let's come up with something I agree with first, like self-defense. Otherwise, go wrestle with your friends that are your age and mentally understand it. I am putting my foot down, bottom line, and you can respect it or we can just avoid this situation. I don't dislike who you are, just what you are choosing to do with my daughter...
NEVER apologize for your instincts! To her, it may not be play! And it may save her life one day.....

Answer 5

Tell him that girls don't need to be toughened up by roughhousing. He needs to respect your wishes and stop being rough. He needs to listen to your daughter and respect her limits. Yes, life is tough out there but your daughter is going to be strong by using her voice and word power to say stop hurting or enough. You are her role model and she will be strong because of you, not from being tossed around wrestling on the ground. You explain that in your house, he has to respect your rules and play appropriately.

Answer 6

I would politely remind him that you are the parent. You are the one making the choices about what is best for your daughter and you feel that "rough play" is not appropriate, especially when he has not respected your daughter's wishes for it to stop.

Tell him you appreciate the time he spends with her, but you would like for her to realize that men can be gentle and loving and respectful of a girl's wishes. That you do not want your daughter to grow up thinking it's ok for a man not to stop when she says stop, or that's it ok for a man to "rough" her up whenever he feels like it.

Yes I would be offended but family members are the people that are most likely to step on each other's toes the most, without really thinking about it.

Answer 7

I understand that you feel disrespected as a parent......but....
the real issue is what is best for your daughter, not your personal feelings. If your brother can not respect your wishes in this matter you may have to forbid him access to your daughter, at least in the times and places where they are likely to get involved in this 'play wrestling'.
You don't say how old your daughter is, but at some point this kind of physical contact is going to become INAPPROPRIATE for her, regardless of how innocent it may be now. Think ahead and nip this in the bud before it becomes a serious moral problem.

Answer 8

No, I wouldn't b/c he does have a point. There is nothing wrong with being a single mother, but God did intend for us to have a mom and a dad. Her not having a father figure in her life can cause her to do things when she grows up to try to fill that void where her dad should be. I mean not so moral things. You should feel happy that your brother has taken her under his wings. This is good for your daughter - she has a man in her life that she can trust and look up to. He can teach her the tricks that other men will try to pull on her to get in her pants, and help her (from a man's point of view) to not fall for those tricks.
I wouldn't be offended by this, and there is nothing wrong with rough housing, but if she says to stop, he needs to listen to her. I think he just loves her and cares for her and has so much fun with her he gets caught up in the moment. Try to cut him a little slack.

Answer 9

I would tell him that He was not welcome in my home until he found some respect for me and my daughter and that if he ever laid a single finger on her again, I would call the police and have him aresseted and then take out a restraining order og him.
After all a self defense class is what she would need, not him roughing her up. Frankly honey, I would have already went upside his head for hurting my daughter.
you never said how old she is, if he ever did the same to you.
maybe you should kick him in the nuts and as he lay there gasping for air, tell him that your just trying to toughen him up and does he need help crawling out the door or you need to call the police?

Answer 10

You're the mother and she is your child. You have asked him to stop and he refuses. Don't let him around her until he can treat her how he should.
It sounds to me like he has some kind of issues himself, if you allow this to continue she will grow up thinking that is how a man is suppose to treat her....is that what you really want?
Keep the jerk away from her!
Do not feel insulted, but feel insulted because he does not respect you either.