7yr relationship 1 daughter?

Question

am I wrong feeling the way I do? my fiance of 7yrs not allowing a joint account or access to money, I did support myself proudly I worked for 5yrs, we now have a 2yr old & I am full time mum, I have no income or access to any money at all, I am a proud person & dont like the feeling of being a financial burden but with a daughter at the age of 2 & no access to money I am wondering what would happen in the case of an emergency & I am without access to any money at all, I get no money from the government as my parter earns over the threshold & I am listed as recieving a wage to minimise his tax am I selfish or wrong? wanting access to money it would be nice to go out to lunch or be able to buy my daughter clothes without feeling like a child asking for pocket money. Its hard work being a mum harder than working,my fiance seems to think its so easy saying I have the good life, I returned to work for 2months my daughter was unhappy so I decided to give her my all in her precious yrs

Answer 1

Ok it sounds like your partner is a control freak and wants total control over you. If it were me I would go out and get myself a job so that I had my own money. This is not a joint patnership this is a dictatorship!

Answer 2

As an unmarried couple, even if something were to happen to him, you would have no authority over your finances out of simple reasoning of not being married.

Some states do recognize a common law marriage, however even that does not give you legal access to his income in most instances.

This really is an ethical question more than a legal one and I can only answer for myself, should I be in that type of a situation, so here it goes, lol.

If it were me, I would run, not walk, as fast as I can from this relationship. If at this point you have no access to money as an equal partner in the relationship then that should tell you how other things will go. A piece of paper saying you are married, if that ever happens, will not change his behavior as it is simply a piece of paper.

As much as your daughter did not like you working before, millions of mothers work everyday and their children adjust to daycare, if give the chance. Meaning you have to give it more than a few days or months and most likely the reason she didn't like it was because of how "CATERED TO" she was with you, which is not always a good thing ya know? They learn that, that is the degree of care they should get and become very spoiled and end up carrying that into adult life, which makes it hard for them to face the real world and the bumps and bruises that come with it. So one suggestion would be to go back to work and then you can feel more in control and have some more self esteem to better evaluate if you want to stay in such a controlling relationship. It is amazing how view of a relationship can change when you feel better about yourself and don’t' feel so helpless.

Simply asking the question you did, shows your unhappiness over the situation and should be a bright red warning flag to you. I would suggest you speaking with a counselor or even going to a chat room that deals with abuse ( yeah I know some are going to roll their eyes about suggesting an abuse chat ) But the undeniable fact is that the type of behavior being exhibited by your boyfriend is control and that CAN be a precursor to abuse, not saying it HAS to end in abuse, just saying it CAN be a precursor to abuse and with some support groups you may find a way to get some help on this subject that you can get for free since he won't let you have any money for counseling if that ends up being the case.

I also would question the relationship real love factor when looking at the fact that you aren’t married to him after 7 years along with the money issue. That should ring some bells for you, if nothing else does.

Good luck hon.

Answer 3

well luckily for you he is a fiance and not a husband, Good News you can leave him!
OK all joking aside he sounds like a control freak and completely clueless if he thinks being a stay at home mom is EASY. I'm a stay at home mom and yes I have a "good life" as he put it but it is also hard work and a little appreciation would be nice, I'm sure u feel the same way. If he refuses to give u some money or access to money I think I would get a part time job I know u don't want to do that but if u want to stay with him that may be your only option. Good Luck

Answer 4

I am also a stay at home mom i completely understand it is not an easy job. Honestly it seems to me your husband might be keeping secrets from you there should be no reason you should be left off any accounts or have no access to money what if you had to go to the emergency room with the children or even the grocery store what if you need gas money you have to ask him like a child! Seems to me you should be wondering why he hasn't married you, and doesn't want your name ties to anything having to do with money. Obviously he has no trust or faith in this relationship lasting. Think of how you daughter will feel about this seeing her mommy having to be treated like a child. What advice would you give her in this situation. My point...it all comes down to its not safe for you or your children to be without money! Be strong get your head straight and do a little investigating. Good luck!

Answer 5

Money is a form of control for him. There are things that you can do. I would not marry a man that holds me hostage like this. Perhaps he should take a crack at raising your daughter for a week or so without your help. That may help enlighten him.

You could get a part-time job. You could do something like Tupperware or Mary Kay or one of the home party plans to make money. You could take in a friend's child or children a few hours a day as playmates for your daughter and income for you. You could also tell this guy that he can either loosen the purse strings or the courts will when you leave him.

The choice is most obviously yours. I just wanted to present some options. You are only at his mercy if you allow yourself to be.

Answer 6

Have you discussed this with him?
Can you work when he is not so that he could be with her?
Can you start doing some work from home such as selling on Ebay? Babysitting maybe?

Just a thought for some extra cash but...

Their is nothing wrong with asking him for money when you are taking care of his child. He is being selfish and is not thinking of you or your daughter. You need to do what's in the best interest of your daughter and if that means staying at home to raise her, than so be it, but he should give you credit and help you out financially for wanting to do so.

Answer 7

Oh sweetie, you better buck up! You have earned your fair share of the "household" income. Especially being with him for 7 years and you still haven't gotten married? What's up with that? Did you share your income with him when you were working?
Listen ever since the day that I moved in with the man that would be my hubby we shared our income. I am a stay at home mom now and we have joint checking. Duel credit cards etc...
Don't let him dominate you like that. You need to take back your life and get control of it before you get married and forget who you are.
To start out, try get an x-tra ATM or check card, you are getting somewhere. And then set your sights higher once you have achieved that goal. But don't give up each time he says no. Just keep bugging him about it.
Much good luck

Answer 8

It just sounds like your husband has a financial plan. It is tough to buy extras because extras add up. I am in the same situation now with my partner being and extra buyer. We are in the process of paying off student loans and credit card debt and he is mad at me because im limiting his spending. He doesn't have a clue as to how much interest we are paying and throwing out the window. He has also filed for bankruptcy in the past and thinks this is a normal thing. SECURITY IS HAVING THE ABILITY TO SAVE. I would just ask for an allowance to where you could spend or save and have that money for what ever.

Answer 9

You're right to feel the way you do. I am not trying to put you down or make you feel bad, but if he's been your fiance for 7 years, I think its safe to say he doesn't want to get married. He has all the control in this relationship and it sounds like its just the way he likes it. I would voice my opinion to him, seek counseling and work this out. That way you have a neutral party involved, to keep things fair. And speak your mind!

Answer 10

WOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE IN QUITE A TOUGH SITUITATION HERE. NOW BEING A FULL TIME MUM IS HARD ENOUGH BUT NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE ANY MONEY. TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS IS HIS WAS OF CONTROLLING YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT YOU HAVE NO MONEY AND HE KNOWS THAT YOU CANT GO OUT BECUSE YOU HAVE NO MONEY SO THERE FOR HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE AT ALL TIMES. THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING SWEETY. YOU REALLY NEED TO SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND HAVE A LONG LONG CONVERSATION. I COULD SAY THAT IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE I COULD TELL YOU TO LEAVE HIM FOR A WHILE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS BUT I AM NOT GOING TO. I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE A GOOD LONG CONVERSATION WITH HIM AND TELL HIM HOW YOU ARE FEELING AND WHY YOU ARE FEELING THAT WAY...
I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK SWEETHEART...

Answer 11

ur not selfish or wrong. it's ur right to also have some money to urself. sure u may not work or stay home with the kid, but ur the woman. it's not for any dumb reason, ur taking care of ur daughter. i think u deserve, sometimes being a mom is the hardest job. listen talk to him, tell him u do need this. and if doesn't work, find urself a babysitter and a job, that will show him that u don't need him. just remind him that it's also his responsibilies for ur daughter's expenses.