My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years on March. On January 24th her step father passed in a horrible car accident that morning. She texted when she got to the hospital to tell me what happened and I told her that I would be there in 20min. I got there to try to make her feel better and comfort her through her hard time. My mom and I went to the funeral to pay our respects and to help my girlfriend and her family. After the funeral she doesn't want to talk to me and gets mad when I text or call her. Before the accident her and I were doing great, I took her out to dinner and things were good. I asked her cousins if she has been talking to anyone and they said no but I just can't believe that she would want to shut everyone out. Any advice?
2007-02-01 18:15:36 · 24 answers · asked by Adam H 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
People handle grief in different ways. She will just retreat in a shell. If I were you I would not bother to talk to her. Send her some flowers now and then and say just thinking of you, you are still on my mind and I will be waiting for you. Something like that. Not intrusive and not overforceful. Women like that. She may time by herself before she will open up to you.
2007-02-01 18:20:20 · answer #1 · answered by Big C 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my,
This is way to hard to figure when she won't talk to you. I can tell you that I shut down when my Dad died. It was too unexpected and I felt sad about every time I had argued with him .
also he had not felt that a boy I was dating was good for me. I shut the boy out of my life as sort of a gift to my dead father. The boy was wise and just sent me some roses with a note that said " I accept your decision -but if you ever want to talk, I will be available." It was a wonderful way of saying that he cared about me.
I sent him a letter to thank him but said that I did not know if I would ever contact him again.
But 5 months later I did call him and we slowly started all over again.
I don't know if this is a similar situation or not. Nor do I want you to believe that if you do the same thing you will get the same result. I think that you do need to back off and tell yourself to forget it. I was very grateful that I was respected in my decision and that a door was left open if I changed my mind.
You must ask yourself if you would even want to hear from her if she could shut you out now. If not then just close the door and trust that fate will send you the right person when the time is right.
Good luck to you and I wish you a good life.
2007-02-01 18:35:38 · answer #2 · answered by Marty B 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Everyone handles death and grief in different ways, some do this by retreating from all others around them.
It is also possilbe that the death of her step father triggered something for her that emotionally is so hard for her to handle she is shutting others out.
Another possiblitiy she may be feeling fear and so anger at those she is close to because she doesn't want to lose anyone else.
From her extreme reaction it sounds like she herself needs counseling.
You may want to speak to a grief counsellor. I realize your first reaction to that is that she is the one who needs it not you, but she is obviously having a hard time dealing with this, it sounds like you want to be understanding and supportive.
A grief counsellor may help you understand and so help her.
Be patient, try to not give up on her, it is possible that she doesn't know how to reach out to you but really wants to.
Also there is no real comfort at least not at the time of the loss, on some levels it is as if there is no comfort, no way to make a person feel better not really, the only thing that can make the situation better is if the tragedy had never happened.
Since you can't undo that, remember and let her know that you know you can't take her hurt away, can't fix this for her no matter how much you want to.
The kindest words I heard when I lost a parent, was "I don't know what to say, there really is nothing I can say"
It was great knowing that someone understood that. Understood that I needed the time to be hurt, angry and feel it and to greive.
It sounds like she has more going on than this, either it is causing her to feel more than she realized, or it has brought up memories of other fear and loss.
Hope she finds her peace in time, it is good that you care she needs it even if she doesn't realize it.
In time you may find that she appreciates your caring, and being there, even if she can't let herself now.
2007-02-01 18:27:39 · answer #3 · answered by nowment 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't agree with the people who say you should back off for a little while. At the moment her whole life has been turned upside down and although she's still grieving she needs stability. If you have been together for 4 years, then that's stability. Her behaviour is more or less an unconcious test to see if you have the strength to stick by her during all this. No matter how much she fights with you, keep trying to get through to her. Make sure she knows you love her and you're not going anywhere. Try to put yourself in her position. Just do anything she needs you to do until she's feeling a bit better but definetely do not run away. Good luck to you, I hope this helps.
2007-02-01 18:39:22 · answer #4 · answered by ***Miracles Happen*** 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
When my grandfather died my sister (who was raised by him) shut out everyone. She found a temporary apartment and wouldnt talk to her fiance, me (we are very close), or the rest of the family and her friends. But over time she came around. Some people just need some alone time to grieve, they don't like people to see the pain they are feeling because of their loss. They view emotion as a weakness. Give her time, dont text so much or call, send an E-mail every couple days reminding her that you are still there for her and that you love her. By backing off but still being there you could be a greater help to her than by smothering her with unwanted attention.
2007-02-01 18:47:08 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes when ppl are hit by such a horrific shocking event, they are in such shock that they either lash out at friends and family and/or they withdraw. I don['t think that anyone can give you an answer that is "guaranteed" to work. But I woudl think that sending her a sympathy card and adding a note that you love her very much and that you'll give her some space (if that's what she wants) and that you're ready to listen if she wants to talk would be nice. You might suggest that you two could take a walk and even if she doesn't want to talk, that would be ok. Just spending time together would be ok. Take care of yourself-- things like this are not always logical.
2007-02-01 18:25:01 · answer #6 · answered by Santa C 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She just wants to be alone and have time to mourn the loss of her step-dad. Maybe this is her way of coping with it. Just give her time and she'll come back around when she is ready.
In the meantime maybe you could send her flowers saying that you are thinking about her. Or write her a letter telling her that when she is ready and needs someone to talk to your there for her. If she still lives at home maybe you could call another family member to check on her well being.
Good Luck and hang in there
2007-02-01 18:44:25 · answer #7 · answered by luscious0071 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Give her some time. Girls need time. Then give her attention. Even thought they might not act like it, they need someone. Text or email a message to her telling her how you feel. " I miss you...I want to be there for you...I love you..(whatever)" She will eventually come around. Also, Its really good to just let her vent. And dont say "I know how you feel". Just let her cry on your shoulder or be mad or whatever it takes. Dont get frustrated. Continually tell her of your love for her and how sorry you are about the situation and that you are there for her. Take her out when things are better on dates that will make her feel better. Laughter is the greatest medicine.
2007-02-01 18:23:52 · answer #8 · answered by Kris 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like this horrible accident has got her in an emotional turmoil. Send her some flowers with a written letter. Tell her you understand she has gone through something terrible and you will be there for her when she is ready. Let her know you miss her and that you wish you could help her.
Tragedies affect people differently and we have to deal with them in our own way. Hopefully things work out for you and her.
2007-02-01 18:22:22 · answer #9 · answered by Sammy12oz 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she needs her space & time of grieving. I know its hard to loose someone in your life. Just maybe text her see how she is doing let her know that you will be there,aint over do it. Let her know that she does have you to lean on & for support. I take it you have visited her after you & your family paid your respects at the funeral.
Maybe flowers be delivered to her house by a flower company,take flowers for her,you could ask her if she would like to go out, try making her feel special again & do things that she likes doing. Favourite cooked meal??? Candle light dinner?
2007-02-01 20:06:57 · answer #10 · answered by MEHNAZ B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋