I could sit here and cry because there's a person that I really love that is doing stuff that is unhealthy and dumb (using tobacco and pot).
I want to cry in a corner for them...I would do anything to just let them see it the way I see it.
2007-02-01 15:35:11 · 8 answers · asked by morethanitseems 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Don't you think that if someone you loved was eating rat poison, and all these awful chemicals, and was killing brain cells, etc, you would want to help them.
Its not so much about changing them as helping them.
2007-02-01 15:50:03 · update #1
Your desire to help this person and your ability to help this person are two entirely different, separate things.
Of course you're concerned; you see this person engaging in harmful behavior, and (to follow your reference to rat poison ingestion) you're right to make sure your friend is aware of the dangers.
However, it's ultimately this person's responsibility to make decisions like this for themselves -- you can't force them to change, and badgering them or making a big deal out of it will often cause them to cling more tightly to the behavior (out of spite; this is especially true when the behavior is self-destructive.)
So back off. This person is going to do what they do, and your love for them has to be tempered by this fact. At the same time, you have every right to set ground rules, like "You can't smoke cigarettes or pot around me" -- just don't be surprised if they decides they like thier addictive chemical substances more than they like hanging around with you.
By the way, that doesn't mean they won't stop. It just means that they, not you, must be compelled to make that choice and stick with it. My partner smoked for years, and I put my foot down: "you can smoke all you want, but I'm never going to be in a long-term relationship with you if do, because I don't want to be emotionally attached to someone who is going to die young by her own hand."
And guess what? It didn't help. She tried, but she still couldn't stop. A few months after giving up, however, she had a really bad dream about dying from lung cancer, and that was the incentive she needed. It was her own choice, her own decision, and so it stuck.
2007-02-01 15:56:02 · answer #1 · answered by big_bowl_of_meat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Morethanitseems, please explain something to me, cause I've always wanted to know this - why are women always looking to change a man?
Men aren't lightbulbs - you can't change us!
If your boyfriend doesn't want to stop smoking cigarettes and marijuana, YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM!
Your not his momma - your his girlfriend!
He likes tobacco and weed, and he's not going to stop using those substances until he damn well feels like it.
You've got two choices, morethanitseems:
1) Get very comfortable with the fact that the man you love is a cigarette and marijuana smoker and probably will be for life.
or
2) Find yourself a man who doesn't smoke cigarettes and pot!!!
You can't change a man!!!
This is an important life lesson, that you should learn NOW.
You're only 18 - a lot of women spend their whole adult lives nagging men to change, and IT DOESN'T WORK. So you should learn right now, that you can't nag, beg, plead or manipulate a man into doing something he doesn't want to do.
Face it - your man is a smoker and a pothead, for your own sake, don't waste your time trying to make him different!!!
Worry about your own life, not his!!!
2007-02-01 15:43:11 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boy talk about the DRAMA. The fact is that no matter how much YOU harp they're not going to change. The only way they can end their habits/addictions is if they WANT to. Obviously this person doesn't WANT to and I can't say I can blame them with all your drama...sheesh
2007-02-01 15:44:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
its good that you still care about him/her even though they are doing that. the only person that can really change someone is him or herself. dont give up on them, having someone as loving as u around them, will help them eventually to change.
2007-02-01 15:46:47 · answer #4 · answered by Kay 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Try attending meetings of co-dependents anonymous and let go.
2007-02-01 15:37:49 · answer #5 · answered by soulguy85 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can't help a person that's not ready to be helped. All you can do is try to be there when they are ready.
2007-02-01 15:45:54 · answer #6 · answered by Miss Pleo 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
its sad, but u cant help someone that doesnt want the help.
2007-02-01 15:39:40 · answer #7 · answered by annie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
thats very sweet of you... I hope you like him for GOOD reasons, or else,
I feel sorry for YOU.
2007-02-01 15:38:56 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋