I have a 3 year old daughter who runs my life! HELP!?

Question

My daughter runs my household! She thinks she can do what she wants when she wants! She doesnt listen she thinks discipline is a game! Ive tried everything! I am a homemaker so i am always there! She has my undying attention 24/7 other then when she is at her dads! She is very destructive wakes up at 4am and gets out of her room and gets into everything! She hits, kicks, bites, screams, yells! I thought getting rid of my abusive ex would make a difference but it seems like since he has been gone its gotten so worse! Help me im at my wits end! I have a 2 year old son who listens and behaves unless his sister gets him to get in trouble! Anyone else have this problem?
any solutions?

I have tried everything from smacking her hand to spanking her! Timeouts standing in corner. Taking away everything nothing works!

Spanking has no effect on her at all!!!!!!!!!!! She thinks its hilarious! I dont let her get away with anything but she beats on her 2 year old brother! I dont even know where she learned it fromed!

I dont give my kids sugar foods no pop nothing ever! Healthy foods always!

Answer 1

Reasons spankings don't work...
(No abuse obviously but spankings on her hiney only...and spankings, not beatings....hate to have to state the obvious but ppl are loony these days)

1. Done in anger defeating the whole "discipline the behavior and not the child" mentality. She may be just downright defiant of punishment.

2. Didn't hurt enough. If you have to spank through a diaper....*snicker* pahhhhleeeze. That don't hurt so therefore not a deterant.

3. Not done consistantly. Wishy washiness creates an unstable situation where she cannot predict what will happen and what response she will get out of you so she is testing. Reel this lil thing in before she runs positively wild.

She is clearly angry and she needs to have stability and KNOW YOU are in control. If you have to hold her down and outlast her do it. If you have to guard her room all night so she stays in bed, do it until it stops. You CAN'T LOSE. Understand? She needs to be taken down off the throne. Children don't respond well to power over their parents. She has to "lose" and in a big way. When she loses she actually wins because she will then be in an appropriate relationship with her mother and will feel the comfort of knowing her mommy is confident and that she is safe. Feeling out of control and overpowering her mother must be so confusing for a child. If you don't reel her in safely and lovingly, your son will quickly follow suit.
All of this done in a manner that is very loving and understanding. Twice as many hugs and let her know over and over, you think she is a wonderful little girl, but sometimes all little girls do things that are naughty and you are disciplining her to she won't act this way anymore....so that you can help her act like the wonderful little girl you know she already is. All ladies needed help to learn how to become ladies when they were little. You are helping her learn how to be a fine fancy lady.

Answer 2

Consistency is key and find something that she doesn't like to serve as her punishment. Example: my 2 year old has crying fits and tantrums. We tell her we are going to put her in her crib if she doesn't stop. She doesn't, we cart her off to the crib. We explain why she is being put in the bed. Shut the door to her room so she can't see us. She quiets down and we go back in in 2 minutes and ask her if she's going to be a good girl and not do X anymore. She says she'll be a good girl, then she gets to come out.
Alot of the time, I have found that my daughter is acting out because she wants attention or she is bored. Sometimes when she starts acting up, I get out the fingerpaint and we go into the kitchen and start painting. She gets real happy fast.
She just wants my attention. I also have an 8 month old son. We are having a little jealousy right now, so it's key to spend one on one time with each of them.

Answer 3

Yeah and they all say terrible 2's. I seriously think it's terrible 3's. My son also doesn't listen to me. We went to see a behavioral counselor and she said be consistent with time outs and punishments. Also make known what is off limits so there isn't any confusion. If he doesn't sit for time outs, then she told us to hold him down and wait for him to quit kicking and screaming, and then start the three minutes from that point.
It's hard dealing with a strong willed kid. Yelling and crying only makes them act worse so try not to do either (sometimes that is extremely hard).
I get myself through by remembering that within a year or so this phase should be over. I like the light at the end of the tunnel.

Answer 4

If you need help with your 3 year old, it's not her that's got the problem. YOU need to get your priorities straight, and if you say you have "an abusive ex", then my hunch is you need a counselor, not to rescue you from an abusive relaltionship, but to get you to stop enabling so much destruction all around you. If you give your daughter you "undying attention 24/7" then you need to work on your self, not on them. I've seen this way too often in my 20+ years of mental health practice (now retired), so I'm very clear on what I'm talking about. I also have two "kids", now 21 and 22, who went through their "terrible twos" and adolescence, and still are working into adulthood, so I'm not absent of experiential knowledge. When you go to counseling, go to one who will work with you on you. The rest will fall into place once that has been taken care of, which will take a while. If you have a community mental health clinic you can take advantage of their sliding scale fees. God Bless you.

Answer 5

my baby sister and brother (half sis and bro) are exactly the same as this, only the boy is 5 and girl 3. (trust me if nothing gets done your kids will both get to this age and at 5 its much worse)
Their dad is abusive as well and yet they don't live with him either.
I would suggest seeing a professional NOW! My mother unlike you is trying to act as if there is no problem with her kids but then again she doesn't really care as long as they are quiet.
I can tell you from what I have seen of my little brother and sister what will happen if you DON'T do anything, she will get older and continue this behavior only it will become increasingly violent and aggressive as she grows in strength, her language will be filled with negative comments, and usually directed at you because your the one trying to discipline her. You will become more and more frustrated and may do something out of anger.
I sympathize with you as I am a mother myself and a preschool teacher who sees a lot of problems in kids from having an abusive parent. And also having experience within my own family.
All I can say is it sounds like you have done the right things in trying to help your kids, but 'yahoo answers' can't help you need to turn to a professional.
GOOD LUCK!

Answer 6

Ever watch SuperNanny? Believe me her methods work. I've been a professional nanny for three families and before that I worked at a daycare. Her methods are good.

But a couple of tips:

When she doesn't listen give her two warnings and only two. Then time out, ignore her if she screams. Its her way to test you. If she gets up from time out. Just pick her up and put her back.
If she hits. no warnings. Say 'Don't hit,' very firmly and sit her in time out.

The key is to not give in. No matter what. Praise her Praise her Praise her when she does good. this helps a bundle. it lets them know that this is what you want from them.

it will get bad before it gets better, believe me. Because they are going to test you and test you until they figure out that you are being serious and its not gonna happen anymore.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 7

Honey, I have a similar problem with my 2 year old daughter, nickname "the tornado." She doesn't hit or kick, but if she ain't happy, nobodies happy!!! Yet my 4 year old son is an angel. Some discipline works, but most of it is her determined personality and she came out of the womb that way. If your child is prone to be a certain way because of her personality, you have to find her angle and work with that. You may need some outside help. My daughter has been sick since Monday and has cried literally all night since, until she's almost puking simply because she wants to let us know she's not happy. We;ve killed ourselves trying to make her happy but nothing has worked so far. We can't take her anywhere where she has to be quiet or still, or confined for too long because she flips out if she can't be free. We just try to stick to our limits and be consistent. What else can you do? Your daughter probably has some issues left over with the abusive spouse. But don't feel bad for that, because if you got him out of your life, you did all that you could do, and the best thing for all of you. When you find the answer, would you pass it on to me? Wish I could have helped more :(

Answer 8

First, congrads on trying to solve this now. Some people let their kids throw tantrums and have their way. Sadly, when they reach adulthood - they continue to throw tantrums.

Have your tried time-outs? Should be 1 minute per age of child (3 minutes for yours).

We were having problems with my granddaughter (terrible 2's) and she was famous for her tantrums when she did not get her way. But all she did was cry. She did it on my wife and her Mom. But not her Dad (he spanks). When she tired it on me I laid in the floor next to her and threw a temper tantrum (I screamed, and kicked the floor.) I'm 6'1" and 190 pounds (and 53 at the time). She screamed/cried louder - and I did it even louder. After a few seconds (< 1 minute) she told me to STOP IT. I told her to STOP IT, that I did it to get my way. She stopped crying, got up - and told me to be QUIET - it was time for NIGHT NIGHT. She left the room with her teddy bear and has NEVER thrown another tantrum around me.

She eventually outgrew doing this.

Maybe you can get some other tips by watching Nanny 911 on tv. There is one lady on the show, a little heavy set, black hair - I have seen her work with kids who are like your daughter. One thing she does, is to take them off of high sugar foods.

Answer 9

DEAR YOU NEED TO RE SPANK A LITTLE HARDER AND RAISE YOUR VOICE HIGH ENOUGH TO SEND THE MASSAGE AND SHE WILL GET IT TRUST ME POP THAT DIAPER ABOUT THE 3 TIME SHE WILL CRY BUT DO NOT PICK HER UP USE REALLY TOUGH LOVE AND JUST SAY MOMMY SAID NO AND NO MEANS NO OK TAKE CARE THIS WILL WORK

Answer 10

Have you noticed that you always give her attention when she is bad? She's doing bad things to get your attention. Give her attention when she is good, take it away when she is bad. There are courses on parenting: you should take one, they're really great. There are also books like "The Spirited Child" that are very helpful.