I need advice, kind of an ethical question?

Question

Not too long ago, I quit drinking and started a recovery program for alcoholism. Earlier this week, I talked about this with my Mom for the first time. She immediately admitted that her and my dad are both alcoholics also, and have both known they were for most of their lives. This was a great conversation, however she later emailed me and told me that she does not want this information shared with anyone, including my fiance. So my question is: do I have a responsibility to keep this secret? It seems like very pertinent information about me as a person that both my parents are alcoholics, and it seems somehow unfair to me that I wouldn't be able to explain that to people, especially when I have to explain that I am myself an alcoholic. On the other hand, no one else really has a "need to know" this information, and it was a private conversation between my Mom and I, so it seems like she does have a right to expect confidentiality. I'm really not sure what to do here, please help!

Answer 1

Good question. I think no one has a right to bind us to secrecy. Information, once freely given, becomes ours to do with as we see fit. That said, you would not normally embarass or hurt your mother, I'd imagine, and certainly the disclosure of this info into her social circle would do that. So you have to consider her feelings, not because she swore you to secrecy, but out of respect and consideration for her. Also, it is not necessary for you to share HER problem in order to disclose YOUR problem to others. In fact there is a whiff of self-servance in that.

On the balance, I'd vote for you keeping her confidence, but as a courtesy of yours, not an obligation.

Answer 2

I would honor her request that you keep her information confidential. Now your fiance obviously has a right to know that you are being treated for alcoholism but I don't think that she has a right to know about your mom and dad if that is their wish. I am pretty sure that she will figure it out at some point anyway if they are still drinking. If they are recovering and not drinking that who cares if they were before since what counts is what is going on now. Also if your fiance and parents have a good relationship then I am sure that one day they may let her know anyway if the situation ever calls for it. As far as being unfair in not telling their secret it sounds like you are just looking for an excuse on why you became an alcoholic by saying...well my folks were so now I am. Good luck in your recovery and stay strong.

Answer 3

I would put it this way, you can say both your parents are alcoholics without ever saying your mother admitted to it. As you know alcoholics are usually the last to admit it. If your parents are still drinking then your fiance should be warned. By not saying anything you are just ignoring the elephant in the room. My mother died admitting to being an alcoholic but never doing anything about it. I am not a professional or anything just an adult child of an alcoholic. Congrats on getting sober.

Answer 4

First of all, I wanted to tell you congratulations on quitting drinking and starting a recovery program. This is wonderful news!

I think you should reveal to your fiance that you are an alcoholic, and that your family has a history of alcoholism. There is no need to tell your fiance who the alcoholics are in your family, as this conversation with your Mother was private.

If you and your fiance are going to have children, please make your children aware of this history of alcoholism, and remember that there is not a best age to do this-sometimes children are tempted to drink a lot sooner than you think.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 5

First, my congratulations on your recovery. Having been married to an alcholic for 10 long years and having a mother who was alcoholic, I know it is the most difficult of roles.

No one outside your family needs to know this information. Your fiance will probably guess, but unless he asks why does he "need to know?" If you have a child, then YOU will have an obligation to tell that child when he or she is old enough to start experimenting with alcohol that alcoholism runs in your side of the family and that it is a genetic predisposition. But other than your children, whose business is it?

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Secrets are never healthy. However, blabbing the information freely won't be helpful to your mother. Telling your fiance might be necessary or helpful to you and if you do so just make sure to let your mom know that you told him and no one else. After you are in treatment longer you may not feel the need te explain yourself to others so freely. Still, secrets are not healthy so I say tell people in circumstances where this will truly help you but don't tell otherwise.
Therapy technique: Before you say anything think "why do I want to say this"

Answer 7

That's a hard one. I know I've always been careful with things that can get addictive, especially alcohol because my dad is a recovering alcoholic. More than your girlfriend, your children may need to know about their grandparents and you just so they know to keep an eye on themselves.

That said, I think unless there's a compelling need to know, I would just choose not to talk about it too much because of your mom's request. If you feel the need to share the family history you could say just that, there is a history in the family without naming anyone specifically.

Answer 8

Nobody really needs to know your business if you wish to discuss your alcoholism don't use your parents as a reason that you are an alcoholic, even though you had a predisposition, people should respect you enough because you recognized that you had a problem and you were brave enough to handle it and get help to make yourself a better person.

Answer 9

this is clearly something that she told you in confidence. You should honor her request.

If your recovery program is the 12 Steps, then you could probably share the information about your mother, since you are anonymous, no one knows who your mother is, and it is assumed that what you are saying is not to be shared by those who hear it.

For recovery reasons, I think you could share your mother's alcoholism with a psychologist, counselor, or physician, as those persons have a fiduciary duty to maintain confidence, and the information about your mother is relevant to your recovery.

Answer 10

You should keep quiet,
As it's her business,
However I would say that if she's hurting somone, ie you have smaller brothers or sisters or she's breaking the law then I think it's ok to tell someone,
It's really up to her if she wants to be an alcoholic, Some people just like drinking,
Providing no-one gets hurt by her then I'd stay quiet