Staying at home to raise my daughter is hard on my marriage. Does anyone else have this problem?

Question

I stay at home with my 9 month old daughter instead of working. I kept a job for the first few months after she was born, but it was actually costing us money. So I stay at home. I take care of the house, too, and work from home part-time as a writer and photographer. But my husband resents my "easy" lifestyle (even though he can't handle watching our daughter for more than an hour at a time!). I want him to appreciate what I do, and stop seeing me as "lazy".

Answer 1

What do you mean "instead of working" ?! I challenge any man who says taking care of a child isn't work (as rewarding as it is) - You made a logical choice, why would you want to put yourselves in-the-hole financially by keeping your old job?
Ask you husband some questions: "What is it you like most about your job? Would you choose a different job? What would you do?" Perhaps he is unhappy with his work, thinks you have it easy, and is taking out on you.
Write down a detailed list of what you do each day for a week hour by hour. If he can't see how productive you are from that he has no reason to gripe.

Worse comes to worse send him this :

A husband comes home from work after another long day at the office.

Upon entering his front door, however, he is puzzled to find the hallway scattered with toys, jackets and a pile of unopened mail on the floor. Even more surprising, when he entered the living room he found toys everywhere, overflowing ashtrays and dirty teacups from the night before. Now starting to get worried that something might be wrong, he goes into the kitchen, only to find the sink full of dirty dishes, the tiled floor filthy from muddy paw prints and kids' footprints, and again toys, unwrapped food and an even bigger mess.

Now in a panic, he quickly climbs the cluttered stairs and bursts into the bedroom, only to find the bed unmade and his wife sitting at the window admiring the view.

"What the heck has happened dear? It's like a war zone in here!"

"Well dear, every day you walk through that door from a long day at the office, and every day you ask me the same question: 'what did you do today dear?' Well today I didn't do it!!!"

Answer 2

Wow to hear you talk everything is his fault - sorry I have counseled far too many couples to believe this for a minute. No innocent party in these things just two guilty ones. At least have the decency to admit that if marriage is a joint project - then the failure of one is also a joint failure both you and he are to blame. Second , while money ranks high for causing divorces this is not a hard matter to deal with. There are many programs out them to learn how to manage your budget - Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace comes to mind. So that is not the real reason. Let's bring this down to the real issue. Both of you refuse to live for the benefit of the other. You two will not engage in self denial so you both remain two needy people both wanting their needs met and complaining that the other is not meeting those needs. It is likely to repeat in a future marriage as well as long as you continue this way. You actually have beter odds right now than you do in the future - 70% of second marriages fail 84% of third marriages fail so know with certainty that you are jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. You can do whatever you want, but put the right name on it. selfishness. The sad part is he is just the same as you and just as wrong. If you would both stop being so focused on your own desires you might rekindle your love, but your whole question was a poor me, all my wishes unfuilfilled sob story. I will not even touch the idea of leaving a child who views you as a mother figure because you have done your time raising her. WOW! Then you have the nerve to ask, "Am I doing anything wrong?" You tell us.

Answer 3

Well, from past experience as both a stay at home mom and a working mom, being a GOOD stay at home mom can be just as demanding and as hard to do as being a working mom.....no lie. The demands and the work is just different.

If your husband has never tried to be a full time stay at home parent - and do a good job of it, he has no idea how hard it can be.

Before anyone gets on a rant about how easy stay at home moms have it, I am making a distinction here between stay at home parents who park their kids in front of the tv, and do as little as possible in maintaining a home, or being a creative/positive/educational/nurturing person for their child. That does take a lot of work and it isn't easy!

Answer 4

You could try "job swapping" with him to let him see what it is like to be you. Have him take a week off from work and he can stay at home and you can leave the house every day like he does (maybe you can even find a part time job for that week). You can leave a list of all the things that need to be done each day. when you return around the same time he would return you can have a chat about all that he did during the day. How much did he accomplish while taking care of a busy 9 month old? And while your at it, maybe he could continue to care for her at night like you do and see what it is truly like to be "on call" 23/7/365. He may have a tough job but most likely he can leave it at the office when he comes home. Mothers are on call from the moment of conception until death. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 5

I am a stay home mom and thats fuc#king hilarious that your husband thinks you have it easy.I have a four month old and it aint easy by any means i work just as hard as my husband does,between ironing his clothes and cleaning and washing and keeping the car clean and taking care of our daughter.Then when his kid comes i give her and my other daughter that comes the same time his does baths,wash their clothes,pick up after them,constantly have to discipline,cook for them,and take care of my baby.My husband would never once say i am lazy cuz he knows better.If I were you I would tell your husband if you don't like things this way then i will go to work and you can stay home with our child and you have to do everything i do cook,clean,wash clothes,take care of baby.He needs a reality check its not an easy going lifestyle,its hard on the mind and tests my patience everyday..

Answer 6

I also do everything short of changing the oil at my house. My daughter is a year old and always on the go. My fiance seems to think that what I do all day is eat chocolates and nap every few hours. So on the weekends he gets to sleep in and I still have to get up with our kid and his kid from a different marriage. Sometimes I want to go into our bedroom and beat him over the head! Its NOT FAIR. And I still go to work 4 days a week, too. My advice to you is to talk to him about this before he gets into a habit of taking advantage of you. I have let it go to far. Another option is to go get a part time job, even if it is costing you a little. Then you can get out of the house and feel like part of the world again. I know that when I get to go to work (notice "get") I am sprinting out of that day care to just get in the car and blast the radio! Good luck, and remember that women can survive with out a man.

Answer 7

I had the same problem with my hubby even though it was his idea for me to stay home. We split up for a while and he had to do everything I did. Now we are back together and very happy. I'm not suggesting you leave but maybe you could find a way that he has to do it all for a weekend. Sometimes it's the only way. Good luck.

Answer 8

Make him stay home with her for a day or two and you just go out and hang with friend or family for 8 or 9 hours and let him see what its like. If he calls you and tell you to come home tell him no, because he can't come home when he's working.

Answer 9

yes I'm going through the same thing but i don't work part time form home men will never understand what we go through its not easy for us either just cause we stay at home don't mean we watch soaps and eat Bon-bons all day. it took my man yrs to understand why i made this choice and he realizes i don't just sit around it would be nice though lol but there's not really a way to get your man to see Hun it comes with time more than others some men will never get it so be strong and hang in there OK it will get better I'm rooting for you

Answer 10

Take off for a day. Have him take a day off work (hey, it will be easy right?) and you go out and do something for yourself - like get massage, or see a movie, or hang out with girlfriends. Give him a list of all the things you do during the day. On Supernanny they do this a lot when one spouse doesn't help out and it's usually a big eye opener.