I am engaged to be married and I live with him at the moment. We origionally stated as roommates to help...?

Question

financially. He is in a real mess. I am not completely financially stable but betterthan him. Anyway, I am getting a rather large income tax return and he wants to use it all to pay off his bills. I really do want to get off to a good start in our relationship. But, I want to buy some things for my daughters-clothes, shoes, a couple toys. I also want to buy a few decorative items for our home. He says it needs to go towards his bills. Is this right? The return is almost $6000.00. I only want about a thousand of it for their needs a less that a hundred for fun.

Answer 1

Well, first impulse is to say forget it, let him worry about all those bills he accumulated before he met you. But if you're serious about getting married (really, REALLY, till-death-do-us-part serious), then you have to realize that his bills are about to become YOUR bills.

It's compromise time. Nobody want to see a big refund just completely disappear into the land of paid bills. You've got to have at least some fun with that loot. But it's important to your marriage to be financially responsible. I think it ultimately depends on just how much his debt is hurting your (and when I say that, I mean his and yours combined) credit and financial stability. If it's really pressing, I'd say 80% to bills, 20% to the kids and fun stuff. If not, 70% to bills.

Remember, everybody needs to kick back and relax every now and then, but keeping the bills paid is ensuring your future stability.

Answer 2

I actually live doing both. There are things that must be planned for and some things that will be missed if not lived in the moment. For example: My dad, age 74, has Alzheimer's. He has had it about 3- 4 years. Right now he is very funny and happy. So, rather than focus on what's coming (I know what Alzheimer's looks like as it progresses), I live in the moment with him and enjoy him as he is. I do not focus on my grief of losing him much at all or I will miss this time now (one of my sister's has chosen the wallowing in grief path). Every now and then we must plan - I talk with and work with my mom to help her plan for what is to come. About 2 years ago we had to change around the finances so he would not just give away or lose all their money. About a year ago he lost his drivers license and changes had to be made for his transportation. All those things need planning.

Answer 3

This is your money. And, if he's like this now, I'm worried about what he will be like when you are married. You are not responsible for his debt, and you are not responsible for getting him out of it. The problem is, once you get married, it does become both of your debt. You have to let him know that your daughters come first and they have things they need. You have needs too. I would offer to help him out, but not to give him the entire thing, and I would definitely make him agree to some way of paying you back. Trust me, guys like this take and take and take. They have no remorse for how little you get in return and you will never see this money again.

If you're really worried about his reaction, tell him you miscalculated and are only getting a portion of the money. Have it directly deposited into your own account so he sees no paperwork.

Either way, be careful.

Answer 4

That is money well earned by yourself and for what you think is best. He should have little say in what it goes towards, and no way is it right for him to think all of it should go into his bills. It's okay to suggest opinions, but not demand the money for himself, especially if you both aren't married yet. Marriage consists being a team and building a strong partnership. It'll be selfish of him to take all your money for his own bills. What about your needs and your daughters? Since you are engaged, now should be a good time to settle financial issues and how you both think money should be handled in your relationship.

Answer 5

Its great if you are willing to share it, and bills do need to be paid. If you are getting married soon they will become yours too. But I'd say your child comes first do take good care of her, and put $1000 away for a cusion (fridge goes out etc).

Tell him you take more out of your check so you can keep it for the cusion for the coming year, and that part of it is always dedicated to a few nice things for the family. then say that yes you do want to get the finincial house in order and offer to look at the bills with him (both of your bills) look for the highest interst rates and penalties and pay soem toward those.

Also remind him that monthly spending and income need to be balanced for both of you so that money strains dont stress your new family out. Dont depend on taxes, bonuses or the "lottery" to pay the bills. Bonus money is for capitial expendutures (new washer and dryer, New roof, down payments etc)

Answer 6

I think its a little selfish on his part to use YOUR income tax money to pay of HIS bills. I would definately do what you feel you need to do for your daughters. They come first, regardless of what his feelings are on the matter. So take a thousand or whatever you wish and do what you need to do with it for your kids.
If you feel like using the remaining 5k for HIS bills, then thats your call. I would personally pay off MY bills with it. You guys arent married yet, and by paying of your bills will help financially as well. Why pay off HIS???? If you were married......then it would be OUR bills. You are not married to him yet, and he can walk anytime leaving bill free and you in the same financial situation.
I may be a little harsh about this, but it happened to me. My ex walked when I caught up his child support with a retirement fund i withdrew. It was nearly 4k. We were planning to marry, and i didnt want him to go to jail. It was stupid of me to do it. I wish now I wouldnt have but its a lesson learned.
So you see, i am a bit untrusting, so you need to figure out if he will walk afterwards or not. But definately take the 1k and do for your girls.
If he dont understand that....you dont need him. GOod luck

Answer 7

Well, give him something to help him with his bills but not ALL OF IT. Couples should help each other when it comes to financial issues. Just make sure he knows that you are thinking of doing a few things with the money and that you can give him something to get a few bills paid. Of he still wants it all, then forget him, that is being selfish.

Answer 8

You need to remember that his bills are soon to be your bills as well. The quicker you get rid of any lingering debt the better. On the other hand, it's not unreasonable to want to use some of it for the immediate needs of your daughters and/or your home. I think that skimming off a little over $1000 for immediate use is perfectly reasonable.

Answer 9

Do not give him your money for his bills !!
Tell him to go get a job !
Use your money as you wish - you worked hard for it ! doesn't he have taxes coming and his own money ?
A relationship is 50/50 and I can understand where you are confused - it is a hard decision.
At the most I would put $1000.00 towards his bills,put some aside for savings and then get what you want and need for your kids.
If he doesn't like this then tell him,sorry,but this is what I feel is fair and this is what I am willing to do because I feel since I worked hard all year for this money...
I give you this advise from past experience. I gave all my taxes to a fiance and we ended up splitting and I ended up with nothing

Answer 10

First of all how did he get into this financial mess? Was he irresponsible with his money? Did he over extend his credit, live beyond his means? Girl think before you marry him. Listen to someone who learned the hard way...... ME If you go into this marriage thinking you can change him or he will change. DON'T DON'T DON'T. If you bail him out of his mess he will never learn to be responsible. He is not marriage material till he learns how to be responsible. Also how much love does he have for you where he demands you give him that money and deny your daughter the things she needs. Does that sound like love for you or your daughter? Please, please think past your heart about what you are doing. It not only affects you but your most precious gift, your daughter.