Why do i feel like a doormat to all my so called friends?

Question

Seems like I am used every time i find friends. I will give them the shirt off my back if they ask or show the need for it. But if I need something no one seems to notice or even try to help. I bend over backwards for others. When am I gonna see that these people only want me around for their needs? Its not my character to be nasty or mean. Should I just tell them NO.

Answer 1

You shouldnt open all the avenues of your life to friends or they see your weakness and play on it. People who do this arent real friends and you should walk away. Find what it is that you seek in friends and look for people with those characteristics. Dont settle for lower than you know you deserve.

Answer 2

I'm stuck in the same position as you. You being kind is not a bad thing, but they may be thinking otherwise. Don't do so many favors for them (I know I can't do this as well, I tend to be too nice and do what they want anyway) because they'll only learn to reply on your for stuff, not you as a person and a friend.

You really should say NO sometimes, and I know it is hard. And I myself have not been able to settle my matter with my own group of friends. But try to avoid them for a two weeks or so. If they ask you for a favor, give yourself a reason not to help them. Just to see what happens.

I do pretty much all the math homework the teacher gives us and I do theirs as well. If you say you don't want to and get a "pleading" or "bad" reaction the its time to make new friends.

Answer 3

There is a book titled The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engels.
I recommend that you get that book.
This book contains enough of the right information to set any life straight when it comes to the games that we play on others, and on ourselves.
You've already hit on an important thing you need to know...you are constantly finding people that have needs...and you always take it upon yourself to fill their needs. And of course they take advantage. You need to find out why you do this, and how to prevent it. Some people call it caretaking, some call it being a pleaser. But, you are no doormat.

Answer 4

I have starred this question because I have been in precisely the same position myself, and I am interested in the answers. I have recently given up on my gf I have known for 5 years for this very reason. The money I lent her was rather more than $70, but the principle was the same. She is from the Philippines and we had been trying to arrange a trip for her to my country since the start of 2005. Each time she would drag up to Manila to attend a visa interview only to be refused. We had another go last year in the hope of arranging a trip, first in the autumn, and then over Christmas. This time I sent her some money so that she could prove to the British authorities that she could support herself in my country without my help. Without that proof the visa would simply be refused again. So before Christmas I sent her some with the instructions to keep it safe for use for the journey and to show the Immigration Officer when she arrived. In a way, it was a test, since I was worried about her ability to handle money, but she scorned me for suggesting that I could not trust her, and of course she would respect me and could handle this money. The visa did not arrive until the end of January, but at last it was approved. Unfortunately, the pound had plummeted in value and so it was touch and go whether I could afford her air fare. In the end, I found a special offer, and intended to buy her the ticket on her birthday in March to travel over for six weeks after Easter. I asked her to buy some travel insurance with the money I sent her before Christmas, and also to make sure she had £100 in British currency in her pocket in case the Immigration Officer asked her how much money she had with her. She then told me that she had spent the money I sent her before Christmas, but could I buy the ticket anyway? I felt that, even though we had had a long distance relationship for 5 years, and that she did give me her virginity, there was no point any more in the trip, since she had lost my trust, and would find it very hard to get it back. My best friend was quite angry, saying that she was using me, and I was best out of the relationship, even if this meant I would die a lonely old man. Like you, I have precisely the same feelings of anxiety over her trustworthiness. We have not communicated since March. When it has got that far, then the relationship must be over. I'm sorry.

Answer 5

hhmm....this sounds exactly like me a few years back!

I'm guessing that you also can't stand the thought of anyone being mad at you, right?

The problem here is not with your friends....it's with you....

don't get me wrong, it's not right for anyone to take advantage of anyone.....but it's also not right for you to allow them to take advantage of you.

How many times do you have to touch the stove to know it's hot?

You need to really think about who you are and where your boundaries are. How far are you willing to help someone before you feel uncomfortable? Especially if you don't feel that person is going to appreciate your help...

It's ok to say "no" to a friend.....and if they get all ugly about that then they were never really a true friend in the first place and you're better off without them.

But most important, always know that true friends will like you for who you are....not for what you can do or give to them. And chances are that a true good friend won't even come to you for help in fear of ruining your relationship!

You need to look out for yourself - no one else is going to do it for you.

Answer 6

I used to be the same way and all my real friends told me that my other so called friends were using me and I didn't want to believe it, they always asked for food, clothes and etc and I gave them everything they wanted/needed. Until I needed something or my stuff back and they let other people see my things and I learned how to say NO after they crossed the line and realized that I didn't need fake friends like them.

Answer 7

Learn to say no. sometimes they are just your friends because of the benefit they get from you. Find another set of friends that will be true to you. That happened to me on my high school days and whenever I remember it I just hate them a lot. I realized that i should not be wasting my time with them. I found my real friends in college. Good luck to you. no one can be a doormat if he didn't allow it in the first place. Try to be in a give and take relationship.

Answer 8

You have to learn to appreciate yourself. You are not a door mat.
If you don't stop this kind of behavior now, you will go through life
being walked on. I used to be a bit like that and I decided I wanted to be loved for me, not what someone could get out of me. It takes time to change, but do it for you! I am still the same kind & loving person that I have always been. It is my nature, and I do love to do things for people, but if it isn't appreciated...I back off.

Answer 9

The problem is that you say yes to everything and everyone. I at one time had the same problem but I learned my lesson and did not say yes so freely and and would ask small favors back to see if my friends would oblige. What you need to do is to find out if they are real friends or not

Answer 10

If you feel that your friends are taking advantage of you, it's because YOU are letting them.
Telling them no isn't going to end your friendships and if it does, they weren't your friends to begin with.
Being kind and generous is a good trait, but there are people out there that look for those kind of "suckers" to take advantage of. Start weeding out your true friends and apply the Golden Rule---- Treat others the way you would want to be treated.