My boyfriend and I dated for 4 years in college, and we are about to graduate. He is going to get a 2 year master's and I will be going to medical school for 4 years. I wanted to get married in between these transition stages, AKA this fall-- but he has a bunch of guys that are getting men's housing together, kind of like a frat except not affiliated with anything. He thinks it would be fun and beneficial for him to live a year with these guys before getting married, and build better relationships with them and all...
I feel conflicted. Should I give him this year that he wants, and maybe more? Should I give him as long as he wants before getting married? Or do I have a say in when I want to get married? Please help.
2007-02-01 01:23:34 · 24 answers · asked by reba 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
It's only one year, I think you should let him get it out of his system. He may feel resentful that he missed out something the other guys take for granted. He will still be there for the rest of your life together. And he will be happier for having established ties with these guys that can last the rest of his life as well. One year is not long.
2007-02-01 01:28:07 · answer #1 · answered by Velouria 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I think that getting married while you are going through so many changes may not be wise anyhow. Even though it may be hard for you, if this is something he really wants to do, you should try to support him. You may not like it, but like peta said, he may resent you later if you stand in the way. Give him his time, but make sure he knows that there are conditions, he really needs to make sure he still spends enough time with you. You do have a say in when you get married, but if he's not ready to take the plunge, pushing him to get married may only push him farther away from you. It's something you both have to talk about and come to an agreement on. I completely disagree with Angela N, just beacuse you love someone doesn't mean you are ready for marriage. It's not that simple at all. You can't get married as soon as you fall in love, your relationship has to have time to grow. You have to be sure that the person you are with is without a doubt the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You have to build up to marriage, not just dive into it right away. But anyhow, Bekah, good luck with everything!
2007-02-01 02:16:32 · answer #2 · answered by Erin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, my questions is: has he actually proposed to you, or do you just assume you are going to get married. Even if the 2 of you have talked about getting married, if y'all haven't made it official (by him buying you a ring, or y'all announcing it to your families), then maybe he doesn't actually want to get married yet.
If you are engaged (or whatever) and he wants to live with these guys, I would wonder why he would rather live with them than with his fiance. People generally set a date for a wedding quite some time in advance so they can get all the details taken care of. My fiance and I just got engaged last month, and we haven't even thought that much about setting a date because he just graduated from college and I still have at least another year left.
So, I think y'all should sit down and talk about your future together and what you expect from each other.
2007-02-01 01:56:30 · answer #3 · answered by Amy E 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you're conflicted in any way, you should wait. Period. Marriage is a very big deal, and you should have no conflicting emotions whatsoever. Part of loving someone is letting them be who they are, and letting them have life experiences because it's something that's important to them - even if you don't like it.
If you are 100% certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have met the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, and can say with absolutely ZERO uncertainty that this is it, then you will still want to marry him a year (or more) from now.
Besides, at the end of the day, do you really want to wonder in the back of your mind if he's only standing at the altar because you have him an ultimatum (marry me now or it's over), or if he's there because he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with you?!
2007-02-01 01:39:39 · answer #4 · answered by sylvia 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he doesn't want to get married then fine...he does not dictate what you do with your life...if you're ready then you're ready..if he's not then don't force him...you might as well sign the divorce papers instead of a marriage license...but you better be willing to let him go if you are looking for something different...I will tell you a very short story...and remember it may have worked for her..but it could also backfire...
In college there was this girl I was good friends with...her boyfriend was going on to law school after we all graduated...she was ready to get married (they had been dating since like day one of college..seriously...we all met the first day we moved into our apts)..he wasnt' yet ready...anyway..she told him that was fine but she was moving on..she followed through with it...they split...my boyfriend lived with him at the time in their all guy apt...long story short...they split for a few months and he was miserable...the worst....nobody could stand him...next time she saw him however he had a ring in his hand...they have been married 5 years and are 3 mos away from having their first baby...
that was the good turnout...like I said...it could backfire...but on the plus side...you are open to meet someone who is crazy about you and will know from the get go you are the one he is going to marry...if your guy doesn't know after this long...then it's a no go ever...don't waste your life...unless you are willing to keep things as they are..if not...move on...it will be awful, depressing, sad, and terribly difficult...but after a couple months you'll be ready to hit the dating scene running and have a fresh start...you know you can do better...had you already talked to him about getting married in the interim? If you have and he either agreed or gave you a we'll see and now he's singing a different tune...Run sweetie...run as fast as you can before you find things out you really don't want to know.
2007-02-01 01:35:41 · answer #5 · answered by kauai_lvr 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You do have a say as to your marriage, but as for him going to live with the "frat", you might want to tell him how you feel about it. Have a heart to heart, if he is in love with you then he wil respect your thoughts and feelings. Does he know how you feel? Don't just jump him on it. He might go to the "frat" thing or not, if your totally against it or have a lot of migivings, then you should evaluate you relationship and decied what you want...and what is best for you in the long run.
2007-02-01 01:30:33 · answer #6 · answered by sweetyenah 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I got a gut feeling he is not quite ready yet. He may not know but he is not ready yet.
Just take things one step at a time. You will both go your seperate ways. You to medical school, he to his masters.
This is where old relations can break down and new ones formed. Be prepared for all these.
I think it is not advisable to get married now. I don't think you are even at this stage yet. Don't REGRET. Keep an open mind first.
2007-02-01 01:30:25 · answer #7 · answered by Sleuth! 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You wanted my answer...so here it goes...
Are you dumb? A guy in love WANTS to get married not live with a bunch of guys for a year. He probably tell you that he should be allowed to go out and drink with these guy (with out you), uh? He doesn't sound like a very faithful guy or in love. Sounds like he likes to play.
Honestly, answer this question, would he make a GOOD husband? (remember you can't change guys, no matter HOW hard we try, you can't change them)
I wouldn't tell him WHEN you want to get married. I would just leave him. Really. He isn't ready. You have wasted 4 years with a guy, is that not enough time? If he isn't ready now, how long will it take? Have some respect for you self and find a real man that will treat you the way you deserve.
2007-02-01 01:38:43 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
Okay, you have a say so in when you get married. If you want to marry this man, put your foot down and tell him that he can't live with them. He can bond with the guys in a different way. I wouldn't let him live with them. He needs to grow up and act like a man.
2007-02-01 04:13:56 · answer #9 · answered by Laura C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you of course have a say in it, but i would let him have this little fling first. you have to almost let him get this out of his system before you try to settle down. you dont want to wind up married and then have him feeling trapped or that he missed out, then you might have troubles in paradise. dont worry theres no need to rush anything and after the year you both will still be there, everything will be fine, then talk about marriage. to guys marraige is like closing the door on your friends and you dont want to make him feel like your trapping him. just have patience. good luck.
2007-02-01 01:46:41 · answer #10 · answered by loveboatcaptain 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋