Should one parent tell the other that their child was raped?

Question

HYPOTHETICAL: A child's parents are divorced. The child tells the mother that she was raped by a boy from school and swears the mother to secrecy. The mother is obligated by court documents to inform the father, but the girl has "made her" promise she won't tell. TO CONSIDER: The father will be dealing with the daughter almost half the time, completely unaware that he is parenting a rape victim.

Please give your opinions; I would very much appreciate them.

I should have stated this, but I didn't want to skew the answers. I AM NOT the parent who withheld this information from the other parent. However, the irate responses actually make me feel much better, as they show I'm not the only person outraged by this situation. The CHILD notified the parent almost three months after the rape.

Answer 1

The mother shouldn't swear to keep this secret from the father. That will not help the daughter and certainly could harm the relationship she has with her father. No one can make you promise. If the mother did promise in the heart-breaking, mind swimming moment she told her, then she needs to go to her daughter and explain that she was not right to promise to keep this from her father and now is able to see clearly that she was wrong and can't keep that promise. The daughter may be upset, but needs to realize that the mother is doing what she feels is best. This child needs as much support as possible.

Answer 2

The other parent should be informed. If anything happened to the mother the father would probably be involved in decisions concerning the child's welfare (unless there were serious contra-indications such as the father was an abuser as well) and therefore needs to know the facts. That the mother gave a promise to keep the matter secret is unfortunate but understandable. Sometimes parents have to make hard decisions about the children that they are responsible for - and breaking a promise IS a hard decision. But it is one that has to be faced on occasion. However I would recommend that the mother talks it over with the girl first, and makes if clear - gently - that she is going to do what she understands is right. Look at this way. If one learned - under a promise of secrecy - that a teacher was also a child abuser then one would have a duty to expose the matter regardless of previous promises. Although the circumstances are completely different similar principles apply. I do hope that that helps, and I wish you well.

Answer 3

First she is obligated by the courts. But really more importantly, regardless of the marriage situation, they are still family and should deal with the emotional issues as a family. The mother should make the daughter understand that. This would be a tough situation all the way around...but if the courts should ever happen to find out, then the mother would be held in contempt and could possibly face charges then the father would know anyway. So way cause everyone the legal hassle? Though the daughter is a victim, she shouldn't allow anyone else to be victimized by this rape.

Answer 4

NO! Understand that forcing the girl to reveal the rape (by herself or through her mother) to her father (or anyone for that matter) is revictimization! Imagine that the father finds out and refuses to believe she was raped. The father accuses his daughter of being a 'sl*t' and disowns her. Now not only has she been raped but she has lost her father? Devastated yet? Imagine then that the girl wasn't raped by a school boy but by her father and was just using the school boy to test how her mother would react. Her mother tells and the father gets so mad that, to punish her, he invites a 'friend' over and they both rape the daughter! Now the girl is suffering through even more brutal rapes and becomes convinced that she shouldn't tell her mom because she can't trust her! The daughter has a reason for not telling the father and, no matter how old she is, her choice should be respected! After someone has been victimized they go through a healing process. It may take a long time but the daughter may eventually tell the father herself further helping her healing by empowering her. Even if the daughter never tells the father it is her decision to make. The mother should realize that she is lucky because many rape victims never tell their story to anyone! She should focus on keeping the line of communication open between her and the daughter and keeping a sense of trust and protection in the girl's life. I can go on forever with this! I am sorry for the length. Point is the decision is the daughters' to make. Let her heal!

Answer 5

Hypothetically, this child needs to be in counseling, and perhaps they can find a way together to keep both parents involved and informed. If hypothetically you do regard this father as a parent, he deserves to be involved in all aspects of his daughter's life good & bad. I agree also, that, hypothetically the school has been notified, as well as the proper authorities...all rape victims experience shame and blame. Unfortunately, rape is prevalent, but it is also a CRIME!!!!
It seems that this hypothetical mother has already made her mind up about disregarding the law, a court order and a father's right of parenting. My opinion is not very high, do the right thing...

Answer 6

I am taking into consideration that this is posed as a Hypothetical situation:

First of all it is this simple::: If your Daughter had confided in her Father rather than in you...Would you want and expect him to tell you? (Of Course!)

My next question is when are you going to really deal with the fact that your child is a victim of rape?
You have to report this to the school officials, the police and this boys parents!!

It is your responsibility as an adult to do this..If you don't this kid is going to rape more innocent girls and his crimes will get worse too. Will he murder the next female? How would feel knowing you could have prevented something like that? Not to mention what kind of messages are you giving your daughter by not doing anything? In a case like this Silence is not golden and it high time we as females stand on the roof tops and shout it out loud what these males are doing. Only then will society change!

Answer 7

YES! The girls father has just as much right to know what happened to his daughter as the mother does!!!! Remember back in school when you were told about secret and promises that were okay to be broken? Well this would be one of those! I would explain to the girl that you have no choice but to tell her father and that her father isn't going to think any differently of her this was no way her fault! They would both need to talk to the girl about what happened and get here into counseling right away! They would both need to talk to the daughter about calling the police!

As a rape victim myself I know what it's like and believe me you need all the support you can get! Even if you say you don't want it you really do.

Answer 8

The Mother needs to tell this to the father.

The Mother also needs to contact the police. Rapists don't just rape one woman and become happy citizens after that. If the daughter doesn't press charges, she's guaranteeing other women will have the same fate.

I know a number of women who've been raped or abused, and all of them regretted not reporting it at the time.

Answer 9

Yes. The mother should tell the father, especially if he will be parenting her half the time, he needs to know what goes on. Think of it like this: Wouldn't mom want to know if the daughter was raped while in the dad's care?

Answer 10

Ideally, divorced or separated parents work together towards the chiild's best interests not their own. I would tell my kids' dad if something like this ever happened...But we communicate well on their school work and activities and everything going on with the kids. When they get in trouble their dad knows about it...In my house a rape wouldn't be any different...but some parents don't have that close relationship that comes from concern over only the children...