I know that alot of time the abused becomes the abuser, and i am afraid that i may follow in those footsteps?

Question

I was sexually molested by my biological father, and i know that sometimes the abuser becomes the abused, and i am just afraid that i may follow those footsteps! I am just scraed to death. i am a 20 year old female, i have been in a serious with my current bf for 4 years, and i am kinda just scared to have kids. I mean i've got it coming at me from two sides, my genteics, and statistcs saying that abused sometimes becomes the abuser. I mean, if i hadn't stopped him, i would have been raped, so i know i did good, and i would never want anyone to go through this........i guess i am ...well......this is just always in the back of my mind. u know? does anyone relate?

Answer 1

I'm sorry what has happened to you truly, but due to the fact that you were molested by your father does not mean you yourself will go ont to become an abuser....i have a close friend who was also abused by their father and what they did they turned this unfortunate incident around and used it to their own benefit they were determined that they would never follow in their father's foot steps, and became stronger through it...even when we are born we are born as individuals we do not have to take on the traits of our parents because we come from them.....i don't actually believe you will turn out like your father, because posting this question shows everyone that you are aware of the fact that you don't want to go down that road, that message is so clear here....you have a good heart and that is so clear to see, and all credit to yourself for still remaining so level headed in all of this...see this as your time now, to work on yourself whether that be through counselling or some kind of talking therapy, but air your feelings to keep your awareness that what happened to you is plain wrong, and it shouldn't happen to anyone. I wish you get all the help you can to help you to move forward in your life.

Answer 2

I think if you were going to hurt someone, you would already know it. You would have either done something or had the urge to do something. And let me tell you, just because you were abused and it's in your family, doesn't mean you are going to be an abuser. Statistically, that happens more often with men anyway. But, you sound like a good person who genuinely cares. Do you think your biological father cared whether he molested you or not? If he did, then he probably would've never touched you. I would just like to say how sorry I am for what happened to you. My dad did the same thing, but I blocked most of it out and I was also molested by childhood friends. They didn't know any better and I have forgiven them. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive your father eventually, because bitterness will grow and it will make you miserable all the while doing nothing to your father. You will only hurt yourself and your boyfriend. Let him be there for you and talk to him some about it, but not a lot. See a counselor and work through it with him/her. I would also suggest marriage counseling if you plan to get married, because sexual abuse causes abondonment, rejection, and trust issues that you can't heal from on your own. Take advantage of the help that is available out there through counseling and books. There are lots of good books on Amazon.com for all those issues, including sexual abuse. I hope that I have helped you some and I'm sure that you are going to heal and get through this. God will give you the strength you need and you will see that this WILL make you stronger. I know that you will be a good mother someday. Take care:) If you need someone to talk to, you can email me or IM me anytime.

Answer 3

You are wise to be careful. The following articles contain both information, and encouraging experiences that show that you Can Overcome any wrong tendency that may have developed:

A Child's Early Years—What Should Parents Do?:
~ The Importance of Nurturing your Child http://watchtower.org/library/g/2004/10/22a/article_01.htm

Will God Overlook Our Weaknesses?
- Moses and David
- The Fight to Throw Off Sin
- God Expects Us to Fight Our Weaknesses
http://watchtower.org/library/g/2002/11/8/article_01.htm

Can Prisoners Be Reformed? :
- Prisons in Crisis
- Is the Solution Part of the Problem?
- Is Real Reform Possible?
- Opening a Window of Hope ...
http://watchtower.org/library/g/2001/5/8a/article_01.htm

Let Us Abhor What Is Wicked ...
- Keeping the Congregation Clean
- Inevitable Consequences
- When a Dedicated Christian Sins
- What of a Child Molester?
http://watchtower.org/e/19970101/article_01.htm

Answer 4

congratulations on being a very wise person . congratulations on your ability to empathize so well . congratulations on being a person who climbed the mountain of fear and may now look out and see that while evil dwells all around us and even within us none of us need contribute too its growth.
i suspect that you will be a fantastic mom one day , you will be one of the moms that gets the worlds greatest mom cup and the trophy too .
In order to get all the rewards that come with being an adult we must all file each bit of our childhood correctly . we must know what file to put each bit in and that can be tricky . I think that is really where your at now the filing department of life .
I suggest that you go to some groups that deal with abuse of children and that you speak with a clergyman all together i think that the lot of you will manage to figure out how to put the abuse in the right file so that in the future your mind will pull that file at the right times so as to not only not abuse but win that worlds greatest mom cup and trophy year after year.
keep up the great thoughts if only all the people of the earth had such insight as you do we would all be having a much more wonderful life.

Answer 5

If you find yourself attracted to people that are children then that may happen, if you are twenty and have not had the urge yet you will probably not abuse. The fact that you are aware and afraid is a good thing.

You may find yourself acting out in ways other than becoming an abuser.

You need to seek therapy for what you have been through because it will help you deal with your relationship other issues as a future parent.

I work on a childrens residential unit that specializes in sexual offenders, most people offend early if they are going to do it.

Answer 6

It's called breaking the cycle of violence.....and you are well on your way to succeeding.

Awareness is step one. You've already done that.

Genetics are not everything.......if they were we would have laws that would require mandatory termination of any pregnancy that resulted from rape. I have a few friends who were born under those circumstances and they are gracious and caring and not at all violent. Mankind has freewill. And you obviously have tremendous heart. I'm fairly certain you will prevail.

Your ability to be in a long term (and hopefully caring) relationship and the fact that you want and are considering having children are "proof" (if you need it).

And to Nicki Seven who answered before me...my heart breaks for what you went through, but I am so proud there are women like you who are strong enough to survive repeated ordeals like that and still have open enough hearts to share your experiences in the hopes that someone else might gain from it.

You both make me proud to be a woman : )

Answer 7

I personally was raped by my stepfather, then an uncle, then two of my mothers boyfriends. Boy she really knew how to pick'em. But i cant tell you one thing. I have zero desire to touch my son in any way. Although i was abused in other ways and I fight daily the urge to yell instead of talk when he does something wrong. I find it hard not to jump right to corpral punishments when he is really awful. And if he does deserve a spanking I check myself everytime.

If this may be an issue for you, just ask yourself a few questions before doling out any punishment of a physical sort.

Am I really pissed or just upset?
Does he need to learn something and is this the only way?
What will be the point?

After that I usually resaort to one smart pop to get his attention ( bottom only) then on to a long drawn out discussion that bores him into unreal catatonia...which is motivation enough not to repeat offense.

Still have problems? Make the Dad do it...

Answer 8

On some level you are aware of the effects of this abuse. Yes, you may go on to abuse if you're not aware. The more you find therapy to work on the abuse issues, and the more you become aware of where the dangers lie, the more you are able to question yourself again and again till when faced with the danger of the temptation up close, you just may be able to deflect the effects and even grow from it!

Remain humble that if you have a faith that goes along wtih your maturity, you might truly heal.

Asking this question places you on a dif plane of awareness. Check yourself more..

Answer 9

Yes, some victims of child abuse do go on to become abusers themselves. Others dedicate their lives to helping the victims of abuse.

With any form of child abuse, and particularly sexual abuse, one of the main reasons that the victims grow up to be abusers themselves is that they normalize the abuse. When you're parents hit you, it's because you did something bad. They had to disaplin you, and that's how parents disapline their kids. And twenty years later, that's how you're supposed to disiplin your own kids. Maybe because no one told you otherwise, or maybe they did tell you but it was just too deeply engrained. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how the same reasoning can be applied to sexual abuse. But you didn't normalize the abuse. You regonized it as wrong and stopped it. You know that that's not how parents are supposed to interact with their children, and you have a strong desire not to inflict the same suffering on anyone else. That's a really good indication that you're not going to become an abuser yourself.

Another major factor is the emotional issues stemming from the abuse. In particular, anger and helplessness. This would typically show up while the abuse is still going on. Abused children will sometimes themselves abuse family pets or younger children. They can't control the abuser, and they can't beat him up, but when they abuse someone smaller than themself then they're in control again, and they get to take out some of their anger. If you haven't been doing that already, it's not going to suddenly start when you have kids, so unless you're torturing squirelles in your back yard, you don't need to worry that that will be you.

While some victims of abuse do become abusers, and a very high portion of abusers (and violent criminals in general) were abused themselves, it's ultimately their own choice to continue the cycle of abuse. They CAN choose not to. You've already choosen not to become someone who will hurt your children, and you CAN follow through with that resolution. The fact that you recognize abuse as something wrong that you don't want to do is a very good indication that you have a lot more in common with the abuse survivors who dedicate their lives to protecting children from abuse than with those who grow up to continue the cycle.

You're an individual, not a statistic. Ultimately, what determines what kind of parent you'll be is how you personally feel and act, not how other people with similar experiences to yours tend to act on average. Becoming an abuser isn't something that suddenly happens when you have children. You're not a warewolf who will suddenly lose control of your actions and become an entirely different person under certain circumstances. If you don't have the desire to hurt children now, having kids won't change that.

A history of abuse may make people more prone to having the particular problems that lead them to become abusers, but what makes them hurt their children is ultimately a desire to hurt them, which would be there in one form or another long before they had children. The tendancy towards physical abuse might manifest as uncontrollable rage, and a desire to hurt others (whether you act on it yet or not). The tendancy towards emotional abuse would manifest basically as being a b*tch. People who emotionally abuse their kids generally treat others the same way, it just does a lot more damage to their children because of the inherent nature of the parent-child relationship. And the tendancy towards sexual abuse is the clearest of all: a sexual attraction towards children. If you don't feel any sexual attraction to children, or any desire to engage in sexual acts with children you see around, you're not going to sexually abuse your children.

Sexual abuse is a horrible thing, and it leaves lasting problems for all its survivors, whether they admit it or not. It was really brave of you to stop him when you did, however you did. You did really good. Lots of girls are too afraid to do that. And you're doing a really good job now, just by admitting you're afraid. The people who become abusers themselves are almost always people who never dealt with their own abuse, and just pretend it's not a problem. You not only know that what your father did was wrong, but you also recognize that it's something that can cause lasting psychological damage that you need to address. That's not the makings of a future abuser, that's the makings of a survivor. You're doing a great job, and handling this very well, and I'm sure you'll make and excellent mother if and when you decide to have children.

Answer 10

I watched a DVD called The Family by John Bradshaw, hes a world leading expert on all matters relating to family/genetics and why we are the way we are and how we can deal with it. It was very encouraging to me and answered a lot, its like he is speaking to you personally, its something for everyone to see believe me. I was emotionally and physically abused into my early adult life and the emotional abuse just kept coming at me throughout the rest of my life. I am still getting help to help me get through the rest of my life, watch the DVD and talk to counsellors that you feel comfortable with and create a survival plan for yourself, you have a very good chance at having a fulfilling quality life filled with love and happiness, dont let that abuse you endured rob you of that, you are too good for that. Dont let it beat you.