Could you guys give me some advice about a needy family member?

Question

This is about my husband's parents. They are, I hate to say, very irresponsible people. I love them, but they're a handful.
Steve (my husband) has known for years that his dad has bad health. He's been begging his dad to get on disability. But they put it off.
In November, Steve gets a call from his dad. He had to quit his job because he's losing his eyesight. So we agreed to pay their rent until he got his disability through. Every month, we scrape up $500 for their rent.
But they're not trying to cut back, or have a plan b, or anything. They're not even pushing their disability case. We are running out of savings.
My husband is mad at them. But he's scared that if he doesn't help he'll be a bad son. What should we do?

we can't drive them to the offices because we live several hundred miles away.

Answer 1

you need to pray about your level of commitment god wants from you all. then the smart thing to do is set advance terms to agree upon, for instance "ok dad, you know you need to get on disability, I will pay your rent for you for a couple months but if you dont do your part I can not help you after this" you have to set fair boundaries and most of all let god tell you how far he wants you to go. it doesnt honor god to end up bitter and not giving gladly. i have had to do this many times , give them a fair advanced ultimatum under gods guidance and then stand firm and pray for them.

Answer 2

Don't know all the details, but it sounds like his parents are mooching off the two of you. Whatever steps they need to do to get on disability should be done. If you and your husband can get the ball rolling, try to do as much as you can. I'd suggest you give his parents a time limit - say, 1 or 2 months. Tell them to get their affairs in order because after the time is up, you will no longer be paying their rent. This is not being a bad son; this is about responsibility. You and your husband obviously take care of your own duties, and his parents must do the same. It is not right for them to be a burden. THAT is what is sinful.

Answer 3

My parents sponsered my dad's brother to come and live in Canada. There was the dad, the mom, a 20 year old sister and a 12 year old son. The plan was that of course the dad and mom would find jobs, the sister would find a job and the son would go to school. Well, a year later, nobody had found a job, and the sister found a boyfriend and the son was the only one who learned enough English to get around. My dad was tired of supporting two families. The excuse they used was that they didn't know any English. So my dad went to the ethnic nieghborhood where everybody spoke our ethnic language and he put a deposit and one month's rent down on a three bedroom duplex which was already furnished. He filled the refrigerater with food and had the utilities turned on and went around the nieghborhood and picked up some applications. He then came home and told his brother that it was time for them to go out on their own. He told them to pack up and be ready to go in the morning. The next morning he dropped them off and handed them the keys and also gave them another hundred bucks to tie them over until thier first pay checks. He told the son to help his parents and sister fill out their applications. Then he told them to call us him and let him know how they were doing when they got a phone. When they realized that they had no way of contacting my dad and lived on the other side of the city, they were really upset, crying and complaining about how he was abandoning them in a strange country and all of that.
With-in two weeks, they all had jobs. With-in 1 year they were able to pay for their daughter's wedding. Then they put their son through college and university after that. They all managed to buy nice homes in the suburbs.
They never thanked my dad, and we moved to California. Years later my father died and then a few years after my mom passed away. Then the daughter and the son, my cousins told me that without my parents they would have never known the life they had, and would have grown up poor on a farm. They were grateful but had never expressed it to my parents. I only wished that they had said thanks to my dad. I know he did the right thing even though it was painful for everyone at the time.

Answer 4

When you run out of savings what will they do? You need to ask them this question. Of course don't be angry or whiny about it but, tell/mention to them that your savings are running out. Make them realize that when that happens then both families (them and you and your husband) will be without a back-up. God forbid that something happen to you or your husbands health or job. They will take advantage as far as you let them. Your husband is doing what a good son should do but you also cant enable someone who is not helping themselves. Your doing so much already but if you have to, get in there yourself and make calls to Social Services and push this along yourself. Go to their house one morning and announce that "We WILL be making phone calls, writing letters, etc..today!" Dont take "no" for an answer. Remind yourselves that you are doing all you can..dont feel guilty if it gets to a point where you can do no more. Hoping the best for you!

Answer 5

This might be one of those few situations where a government agency can help. Try calling Social Security. There are lots of government agencies in that part of the phone book. Blindness is a real disability, and I think the Social Security people will respond because they also deal with lots of false claims. You might also ask for collaboration from your medical doctors, but the privacy rules have gotten really bad. You could fill out the appropriate forms yourself, and then try to get a signature.

Answer 6

People often have a hard time facing that changes are coming. But your son has been asked for help, so he has the option of giving it. And because his Dad has accepted some help, he needs to hear there is more he needs to do....and his son should take him to do it. Disability is sometimes difficult to get, but going blind should be easy to prove and they will pay much more attention if Steve is there with him to see they listen.

Sounds to me like you need a family conference with some clear communication that "we are trying to help you, but we are going to run out of money....that's why we need you to get the help you need and make some plans." ...but they need your help too.

There are senior places to stay where someone who is going blind can live, have meals provided and the rent is based on personal income...so it is not unreasonable. I know a blind person who is doing just that....so check into retirement homes....subsidized rent, etc.....and you will find them. And he can get care giver help provided thru Medicare....and can attend a Braille class before going blind so he will know how to cope.
He probably won't find all these things...but both of you can. Your parents are changing roles, and so are you....to help care for him.
And don't judge too harshly...you haven't been there yet.
Getting older isn't for wimps!

Answer 7

Perhaps you want to wean them off of you and your husband paying for all the rent. Lets say this month you pay the full 500$ and you tell them that next month that you will only be able to cover 250$ of it and that they will need to pay the other half. It's kind of like a compromise where you don't just stop helping out, but help them to start back getting into paying rent themselves.

Answer 8

Delicate situation. Firstly dont issue ultimatums (eg its ur dad or me). Even though your dating for a year there may be lots of stuff going on in your bf's family that your not aware of. Try a gently gently approach. Try to arrange dates in places where phones must be switched off (cinema, theatre,museum. Someone probably should clue your bf in as to enabling but you may lose him if you make this your mission. Find a friend (babysitter) that can distract his dad with a visit now and then, eg a relation of his dad, local priest, doctor appointment.

Answer 9

This is the best way I have to answer your question.
There was a Jewish family who had taken in their father who was very old and was not able to take care of himself. They dressed him and bathed him and fed him but he kept getting worse. He would spit some of his food back onto the table and had little to no body control so the son put him in the corner on a sheet with a wooden bowl for his meals from then on. A few weeks later the son came home from work and was walking by the garage and he heard the sound of power tools. Soon his ten year old boy appeared from the garage holding a box. The father asked the son. "What you got in the box?" The son gleaming with pride opened the box and said "Look daddy I made a wooden bowl for your meals when you get old."

What you decide to do is your choice. Your choices may make more of an impact then you think.

Answer 10

Sit down to hash this out with the four of you. I know it doesn't sound pleasant, but it needs to get done.
If you need to drive them to the lawyer's office, or the FIA or where ever he needs to go for disability, set that up and set up a date of 'cut off' for them.
It isn't your hubby's fault that he wound up being more money-smart than his parents, and he shouldn't have to pay for it in the literal sense either. I hope you the best, I know it's rough, but it'll be over soon!