Can you give me any good jokes?

Question

Im sick and in a slump can any of you guys or gals give me any good jokes to cheer me up?
Thank you.

Answer 1

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Answer 2

A mailman was delivering a package to this house and a little boy came to the door. The mailman asked if the boy's mother was home and the boy replied " yeah she's out back F***king the goat. "
The mailman was shocked. He said you should be ashamed of yourself!! what a horrible thing to say!! Where is your mother? I'm going to tell her what you said. So the boy took him around back and sure enough the mother was f***king the goat. The mailman said "Oh my God! how awful for you, that is disgusting. He asked the boy "doesn't it bother you that your mother is doing that?" The little boy just shrugged his shoulders and said "Naaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

Answer 3

I guess i shouldn't be making fun of the mentally challenged but i like this joke anyhow: It's originally in Russian...
A father takes his mentally challenged son to the beach....
Father: Look son look at that isn't the ocean beautiful?
Son:'smiling and nodding' uuuuhhhh where's the oshan?
Father:Over there you see the pretty blue water.
Son:'smiles and nods in understanding'.................ahh where's the oshan?
The father takes the son by the hand and takes him to the water and lets him play with it
Father: See this is the ocean son. doesn't it feel nice?
Son: 'laughs'...........uuuuh where's the oshan?
Father gets angry and starts to drown the boy and yell 'This is the god darned ocean, This is THE OCEAN." father then lets go of the son.
Son: uuuuuuuuuh Where's the oshan?

Answer 4

Q: What's white and runs down the bathroom stall?
A: George Michael's latest release.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and say, "Hey bartender, give me two drinks, one for me and one for the road."

Two peanuts were walking in Central Park. One was assaulted.

Two muffins were in the oven and one muffin said, "Man, it is really hot in here." The other muffin said, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

Answer 5

Did you hear about the blond who fell from a building and collided with a Cessna?

Her head was lighter than air and she fell UP.

Answer 6

whats green and smells like pork?
kermits finger
my little girl likes these jokes:
why do cows wear bells? b/c their horns dont work!!
why did the orange stop? b/c it ran out of juice!!