My 13 year old hates me what do i do!?

Question

My husband has been abusive to me in the past so I moved into my Mom's house with my 13 yearold .My six yearold would spend time with his father and I 1/2 and 1/2.We lived with her for 3 or 4 months. During this time my husband went to therapy and group sessions for abusive men.He did this by himself. I moved back in in January and my son refuses to come back. He said that my husband is always lecturing him and is mean to him. My husband is not his father but has brought him up for the last 10 years. It has not been easy because I have been working late 3 days a week for 5 years and I have not been connected emotionally with my son. He has had problems at school and has been lying about homework and lots of other stuff. My husband has tried to help him. Yes he lectures him too much he say's it is because I am an absent mother.Now he(13 yearold) is at Grandma's who hate's my husband and does everything for my son and buys him whatever he wants. He won't come back.I have lost my family

Answer 1

You have changed family dunamics quite a bit.
The best thing that you could do is to be on your own for a bit.
Think about when you left. You needed your parents' protection.
Now, your son is afraid. He does not hate you. I know that it feels like it, but he is scared and scared for you.
And, he should be. This was a bad time and a bad relationship.
Besides, he is the odd kid out.
THe six yo is his and you are his wife. He is the step child.
Now, I know from experience that the grandparents are spoiling him. THey feel sorry and feel bad and give him everything that he wants.
They don't understand, either.
Even with all of that, you have to admit that he feels safe and secure living with them.
Your husband should have gotten "his" trust also before you moved.
So, now what.
Well, if your son won't go and you don't feel like making him: which is difficult to do.
You must work with your parents.
Since your parents don't trust your judgment either, this will be hard.
But, you and your husband will have to prove it to "everyone."
Here is the problem.
You said that your husband was abusive. You have been with this man for ten years. It took ten years (at least) of you getting abused and finally leaving. I don't know how long it has been since you have gone.
But, your family feels like you have moved way too fast and for your own selfish needs.
So, either you back up.
Or you try and make them accept it.
And, that will be hard.
Start with family therapy. You need a third party to talk with you, your son and your husband, as well as your parents.
THey all need to be part of this.
Your parents have to be willing to sit down with you and at least discuss it.
You and your parents need to set some guidelines and boundaries. If they are parenting him, then, they should make it legal, at least guardianship.
And, you hwil have to respect it.
If you are by yourself, it is more likely that htey and your son will see you as a strong parent.
Tell your parents that you want to work toward re-unification. Also tell them that you want your son to feel comfortable with this.
You will have some resistance from your son.
Your parents should agree that you and he should be together.
Yes, you could get court and counselors involved.
But, if you do, you will need to prove that he is not in andy danger.
It would break my heart, as well, af my son did not want to live with me.
But, think about what he really means.
He does not hate you.
He hates the situation and the spot that you have put him in.
The reason that I say thatyou should be on your own for a bit is because you must build up your parenting skills and trust in your son's eyes.
He has seen you as the victim and the only time you were not a victim is when you were with your parents.
Yes, you need to do some apologizing about how he grew up. No son should see their mother being abuse and I know that you did not do the abuse, but it took you several years to get out of the situation.
I am glad that you had the confidence to get out.
But, you can't just go back and expect everyone to be happy.
Did you talk about it before you went back?
WHat has your husband done to change the situation?
You and your husband would have to give tangible evidence that things will be different. Adn, now you will have to convince the three of them.
Your son feels abandonned by you because you did not need that much convincing.
He feels you chose your husband and your desire to have a husband over your children's and even your own security.
Here are some questions for you:
How sure are you that he will not abuse you again?
Do you have a plan in place, if he does?
Have you, yourself been going to a counselor?
How does your six-year-old feel?
Does your son have other school activities that you can support him in and come to as a family?
If your son is staying with your parents now, how would they feel about visitation?
Even though your parents do not like your hubby, would they let your all come for dinner?
Have you thought of a court mediator or even a child's advocate?
Does your hubby have proof "certificate of completion" that he has completed some kind of counseling?
Can yhe alk about it?
Help the grands understand that "giving him everything he wants" just because he has had a horrible childhood (in their eyes), is also not helping your son.
It can hurt him.
I hope that all of you can reach some agreement and mend this family.
It will have to take compromise on all of the ADULTS' part: not on the childrens' part: they did nothing to create this.
The children, even your son will feel more comfortable if your parents also see the changes and help him to understand them better.

Answer 2

First of all you admit that your husband has been abusive to you in the past. Second thing is do you know for sure that your husband did the therapy thing? You admit that your husband lectures your son too much and then says it is because you're an absent mother. Does your husband work? Then he could be an absent father right?

The most important thing is that your son is unhappy with his stepfather. From experience I will tell you this; you should never choose a man over your children. Your son needs you and working late 3 days a week is NOT a bad thing.

Abuse should NEVER be tolerated for any reason. And remember, there is physical, emotional, mental, verbal abuse and just plain being controlling. Your husband sounds like he is verbally abusing you and you accept that he says you are an absent mother. DON'T make excuses for his verbal abuse.

Leave the abusive situation, pay more attention to your son and get some counseling. Trust me, that alone will elevate your self esteem.

Answer 3

You need to make a decision to what you want. Your husband has been abusive to you and your older son but spoils his younger son. Your older son needs you now if not before this age but I think you can still save him with your guidance, love and being a normal Mom, staying with him and showing him that you love him. Your younger son would probably be better off away from his father to. If he is buying him what ever he wants then that is not good to show a children. They need some values in life and this is not the way. Why would you want to go back to a abusive husband even if he did go for therapy and sessions how do you that it worked and that it won`t start again. If he was abusive to you can you imagine what that little boy has gone through for ten years.GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

I can understand where your coming from except for the fact my husband isn't abusive or ever was our life sounds similar my 13 year old cannot stand for her stepfather who has been raising her for 10 years to say anything to her even when he's right and you wanna know why it's because of family member's teaching her that she don't have to listen making her a spoiled brat you have the right to give your husband another chance why should you have to kiss your kids *** or anyone else's this is your life and it seems your son and mother are trying to control you too my daughter wants to go to my mom's whenever she gets grounded from all her favorite things and stomps off and acts crazy if she's asked to do something around the house so what if he gets lectured that's being a little crybaby if you ask me.

Answer 5

You lost your family when you decided to live with a man who was abusive. Having come from a family with a parent that was verbally and emotionally abusive, I say good on your son for deciding he wants out of that kind of hell.

You acknowledge that your husband lectures your son too much. Well why don't you stand up for your son?

Seems to me that it's about time your son had someone on his side. Sounds like he's better off with grandma than he is with you and your husband.

From your son's point of view, it probably appears that you've chosen your husband's interests and your own over his. No wonder the poor kid is having problems.

What do you see in a man who was abusive to you and is apparently still verbally abusive to your son?

Answer 6

WELL YOUR HUSBAND MADE HIM FEEL THIS WAY WHEN
HE WAS ABUSIVE. JUST BECAUSE HE BUYS HIM THINGS IT
CAN NOT BUY YOUR SONS LOVE AND SO DON'T EXPECT THAT FROM YOUR SON. MAYBE YOU FORGIVE YOUR HUBAND, BUT YOUR SON DIDN'T AND YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM FORGIVE HIM. IT IS NOT EASY FOR SOMEONE TO FORGIVE SOMEONE THAT ABUSED HIS MOM. WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS GIVE YOUR SON SOME TIME AND SO DOES YOUR
HUSBAND. TAKE IT SLOW. HAVE FAMILY OUTING WHEN YOU
CAN, OTHER WISE HE WILL NEVER REGAIN HIS TRUST. BUT IF YOUR HUSBAND LOOSES HIS TEMPER ONE MORE
TIME THEN, DON'T EXPECT FOR YOUR SON TO EVER GO
BACK TO LIVE WITH YOU AGAIN. THE REASON HE HAS PROBLEMS AT SCHOOL IS BECAUSE OF THIS SITUATION
YOUR PUTTING HIM THROUGH. HE CAN'T THINK STRIGHT,
TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM THAT YOU WILL GIVE HIM TIME
TO THINK THINGS OVER AND START OVER, IF HE WANTS
TO. REMEMBER HE IS OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE UP HIS OWN MIND ON THINGS, HE IS 13 YEARS OLD. LET HIM LIVE THERE WITH HIS GRANDMA, IF GRANDMA AGREE'S AND JUST UNTIL YOU BOTH REUNITE. JUST REMEMBER YOU
HAVE TO MAKE TIME FOR HIM AND HIM ONLY AND YOUR
HUSBAND HAS TO REMEMBER TO START MAKING FRIENDS AND STOP BUYING HIS LOVE, CAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT HE IS DOING. TAKE IT SLOW AND MAKE AMENDS.

Answer 7

She's disappointed via fact her father left. even nevertheless he abandoned her, she refuses to work out what a jerk he's. He grew to become into her terrific buddy so he can do no incorrect in her eyes. perhaps she blames you for him leaving? attempt to have a communique along with her. it is extremely a mushy degree for her besides, maximum 13 year olds are offended at something or somebody. And do it without the boyfriend. that may no longer approximately him; he's a "exchange" for her father that she's no longer attracted to having so only having him around probable makes her mad too. sturdy success along with her. attempt to handle issues your self first until eventually now you start up throwing therapists and third events into the blend. Going to a therapist or psychologist only sends the message that there is something incorrect along with her. She desires to be understood, no longer fastened.

Answer 8

first I would go and spend time alone with my son, find out through friends what he likes to do in his spare time. Then talk with your husband, tell him he is just being 13 thats teenager, these times are very tough, your not always going to get along, but you have to compromise. Let your husband and son know things can change but everyone has to compromise not just you! It should work out

Answer 9

You knew that your husband been abusive to you since then you knew what causing problem to your own kids... well, I don't blame him.... let me tell you My mother married my real father and many step fathers. and she been abusive just like you from all of them but then later she looked at me and beat the crap out of me... and I though she should protect me not beat the crap out of me. so I give up and never talk to her since 22 now I am 35 and I have my own family and my own kids and I treat them alot of love and caring... but you now going back to your husband... but not even care what you son doing... you knew he has plm in school why didn't address the plm of course your husband been really mean not try to help but try to be mean to him.. Why does your husband buy him everything for your son for him to be quite not to tell you ... so I believe that your son had it up to here and don't want to deal with him and you.... so You will need to go in for help too because you have ingore your son for a long long time.....

So there nothing you can do... want simple leave your husband and find your own place and have your son live with you and start having his trust you again.... again you don't want to because you want to go back to your husband because money plm. all the stuff.. so ... really to be honest you have already done that you should of protected your son not let your husband beat the crap out of him and say mean things to him.

You know that my mother and and 1/2 sister will be no longer be in my life no longer be my family. period and I been so peacefully... when I see them I want to hurt them and tell them how you feel i should protect you not beat the crap to you.

So I hope you learn hard lesson....

Answer 10

maybe you are meen my mom yells at me calls me a brat and i am only11 so i make mistake your dot dous to give her a brake.