2007-01-31 08:57:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Get Away From my Deer!
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
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Aye, Aye, Captain!
There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:
''Starboard is right, port is left.''
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Blonde at the Appliance Store
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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Blonde in a Snowstorm
A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''
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Actual School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
2007-01-31 09:07:04 · answer #1 · answered by tuxgal3 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A funny one and I give you a star. Here is a funny(!!) ghosts chat. Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died. 1st ghost : How u died? 2nd ghost : I died of cold. 1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold? 2nd ghost : Actually, I was accidentally locked in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died suffocating. 1st ghost : Wow what a horrible way to die.... 2nd ghost : How about you? How u die? 1st ghost : I died from heart attack. 2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack? 1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because of all that running,I got a heart attack and died. 2nd ghost : Why you never look for the bastard in the fridge? The bastard was hiding there. We both might be alive now!!
2016-03-28 22:44:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Q : what do u call a blond with 1/2 a brain ?
A : gifted
Q : what do u call a woman who knows where her husband is every night ?
A : a widow
Q : have u heard about micheal jacksons new book ?
A : ya ... it's called the ins and outs of children rearing .
Q : what do micheal jackson and the wallmart have incommen?
A : a boys underwear half off.
Q : what's hat wrinkly thang on grandma?
A : grandpa.
2007-01-31 09:07:24 · answer #3 · answered by LilMiss2DamnBossy 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yeah get me a mirror...
A blonde was driving behind a truck when they stopped at a traffic light she noticed that the truck was loosing it's load, the light changed and the truck drove off. The Blonde caught up to the truck at another traffic light, got out of her car, ran up to the driver and said " HEY YOU ARE LOOSING YOUR LOAD., the driver looks at her, and drives away..... the blonde jumps back into her car and races after the truck, catching it at another traffic light... got out of her car, ran up to the driver and said " HEY YOU ARE LOOSING YOUR LOAD.... the driver looks at her, and drives away. at the next traffic light, the driver of the truck jumps out of his truck , runs back to the blondes car and says "HEY LADY, I AM A SALT TRUCK
2007-02-05 00:02:47 · answer #4 · answered by kevferg64 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For some reason I love this one:
A bee is flying around with his legs crossed, where is he going?
-The BP station!
2007-01-31 09:26:31 · answer #5 · answered by Jenn1113 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What does lice and blondes?
-they aren't related to da blacks
2007-02-04 13:44:34 · answer #6 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What do dandruff and the police have in common?
2007-01-31 09:36:43 · answer #7 · answered by r~@~w 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WHY WAS SNOW WHITE KICKED OUT OF DISNEY?
SHE SAT ON PINOCCHIO'S FACE AND SAID LIE TO ME BIATCH!!!
2007-01-31 10:17:52 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
whats brown and sticky?
a stick
2007-02-05 11:36:32 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
what is the defination of a trustworthy man..........
A handcuffed one
2007-02-05 03:15:54 · answer #10 · answered by tennessee 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋