How do I deal with unwanted opinions and advice?

Question

I am a new mother of a 7 week old girl. My husband and I moved in with his parents to help us get on our feet while I'm not working. Now I am having a problem with advice that I just dont want. If my baby is crying his mother will chime in "when did she have her last bottle?" If I'm going to put her to bewd she'll say "put her on her side she likes that." If she's crying for too long she'll add in " she just has a bellyache" and so on and so forth. I know what my baby likes and what she needs!! Also, is it wrong to feel negatively about having to "share" her with my mother-in-law just because we live with her. She will literally take her out of my arms or call her "my baby." She's not her baby! Lastly, I am always being watched. I'll be holding her or singing to her, you know, just interacting and sharing a special moment with my baby and I look over and she's staring at us. I've had it! I know it may seem harmless but I'm at my wits end with this. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

You know what, I lived with my mom when I had my baby. I lived with her until she was almost two. My husband was there too. Anyways, my mother did the same thing too. I would just nod my head, and just say "OK" she would get a little upset that I ignored her advice, but she got over it with a quickness.
But one thing that will matter in the long run is that she will have a great bond with her grandmother, and you do want that. My daughter does. My niece and nephews are close with my mom, but no where near as close as they are together.
And my mother, whenever she sees her She hollers, "where's my baby?" And my daughter responds, "here I am.!"
She doesn't mean it literally, she is just so proud of her granddaughter, and she remembers what it was like to have a child. Let her enjoy that feeling again.
Good Luck, and be sensitive

Answer 2

It's very gracious of your in-laws to take you in while you and your husband get your feet under you. Problem is, it has it's own cost as you've clearly discovered. Try not to think of it as a slight about your parenting, but her pride in getting to know and bond with her grandchild. There is no contest: you and you alone know your baby best. Try to resist confrontation as much as possible to avoid adding to the tension you're feeling during this living arrangement. I would strongly recommend regular outings and set a plan with your husband to know exactly how long your stay will last -- it's nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Lastly, you and your husband need a space in the house that you can escape for privacy. The bedroom is an obvious choice. Since it's your husband's parents, have him speak to the folks to establish the bedroom as a private space when the door is closed. You should be able to escape here with baby as needed without having to worry about any intruption by mother-in-law.

Answer 3

It is so hard to live like that! Your mother-in-law is just having a little baby fever. If, right this second, you couldn't take care of your baby and had to watch someone else with theirs, you would "butt in" a little more than you meant to. I understand how difficult this is for you. Assuming that moving out isn't really a viable option just this second, you are going to have to develop a way to talk with your mother-in-law about this. The little chime-ins are just the baby's grandma feeling left out and helpless and maybe a little jealous. Just answer questions factually, and for the advice like "put her on her side" just say something like, "I think I will this time, thanks." or "She slept on her side last time, I think that this time we will go for the back so she doesn't get one of those flat heads, those really bother me." You are showing her that you respect her ideas as grandma but that you are the mom. And admitting a little issue with the flat head thing or something makes her feel included and valuable to you AND the baby. She is a valued part of your daughter's life, show her that. Sometimes say things like, "Isn't little Susie so lucky to have such a good grandma." or "She is so awake and happy, this would be a perfect time to have some 'Grandma Time' lets go see grandma." Then you are giving your mother-in-law her job, to be the GRANDMA and not the mom and if she sees how valuable you find her, then she will not feel it as necessary to make a point of how much she knows and how valuable she is.

Answer 4

Take a deep breath. Ok. Exhale. Count to three. One. Two. Three.

Ok. Now it's time to go and calmly address your concerns with your husband. Talk to him first. Tell him what you're seeing and why it makes you uncomfortable. Even if it makes you uncomfortable "just because". It's your baby. You're entitled to feel uncomfortable when someone is doing something that you don't like or giving you advice that you don't want. Use him as a sounding board, and get his opinion on what he thinks should be done and how it should be addressed, after all, she's his mom and he knows her better than you do. He may have been privy to remarks such as "Oh how I miss when you were that little," which you haven't heard. As has been remarked, she's probably being a little baby feverish.

No, it's not wrong to not want to share your baby. Your baby is 7 weeks old for chrissake. 7 weeks. That's it! You have this tiny new bundle of life that you need to bond with and grow with. Think about how many weeks old you are, you're probably quite a number of weeks old!

Get out of the house. Ask your husband can we please go get a hotel room for a couple of nights? If this is totally out of the question due to monitary constraints, try to be out of the house as much as possible, just you and the baby. If MIL asks where you're going, just tell her you're going to the park and you need to be by yourself with your baby for awhile because you're adjusting to being a mommy.

Answer 5

It sounds like you need to get together with your Mum in Law and talk to her about this. She might not know that it is upsetting you. I wouldn't make it personal, just reassure her that you are confident and although a new Mum have a connection with your baby so can tune into her needs. As in any relationship, you need to develop some boundaries (only a few to protect yourself - i.e. no calling your baby her baby, no taking her out of your arms). As long as you allow her some special time with her Grandchild I am sure she will understand.

Warmth and Smiles.

Answer 6

*IF* you are going to live with ILs or parents you need your OWN space. Have the basement or something set aside as yours.

If this isn't possible or doesn't work you need to ask yourself if this situation is working for your family and if you have any other options.

Quiet frankly there is no way I could tolerate that kind of stuff and I don't know how you could nip all that behaviour in the butt, living in her house.

You need to do what is best for your family and this doesn't sound like it is the best. I'd rather live in a bachelor apt than with my ILs or parents. Or live with a roomate in a 2 bedroom. Heck even a room in a boarding house might be preferable.

Answer 7

oh man i feel for all of you.. your a new mother and living in with inlaws.. your mother in law got a new grandbaby she is so proud of and loves with all her heart and your husband is stuck in the middle..i am not a grand ma yet so i can only think what she must be thinking or feeling.. she just wants to help but it seems like she is hurting and meddling..and the my baby thing is just a term of endearment.. she dont mean it letterally..just smile and say thanks for the advice and if she gives some good advice take it once in a while.. once in a while try what she suggested.. i mean she did raise at least one child your husband.. i dont know if he had brother or sisters.. so she just may have something to say worth listening to.. my mom and my husband mom used to do that to me.. sometimes it was really piss me off and sometimes i listen.. if they were wrong they were quickly proven by the child that they were wrong... and lol my mother in law lived the old wise tale ways.. like a child with chicken pot let a chicken fly over them and a ear ached put pee or cigg smoke in their ear.. those were the thing i said no to .. or rather hell no.. but other things i listen to and like i said sometime they were wrong and sometimes they were right

Answer 8

I would suggest you try talking with your mother in law about it. Do not accuse her of anything just tell her how you feel. Tell her how it makes you feel when certain situations happen. She may not know she is making you feel that way or that she is hurting your feeling. She probably just thinks she is helping. Or move out! I lived with my mother in law and had the same problems and we talked about it. It got MUCH better. Good luck

Answer 9

i had that problem when my in-laws came into town after the birth of my son. i had to ask them to go home they were stressing me so bad. since you are living with them, i would suggest moving out and if that is not an option, find activities outside of the house that you can go to with your baby. some bookstores have story time for mothers to get together or find a gymboree class to take with your baby.

Answer 10

MOVE OUT!! I would talk to your husband about this, gently....if you go about it the wrong way, he may side with his mother. But I would suggest looking for a new place to live, it sounds like she is a little controlling.....good luck!