I have a son named Ashton. His dad doesn't want to have anything to do with him, what should I do?

Question

The Father of my son, is more worryed about going to school then helping me take care of our son. My son is 10 months old and his dad has never even seen him once in his life. I was in labor for 26 hours and almost lost my son. And if i didn't have the help of my parents I don't think I could take care of my son by my self. The state I live in wont help me get on child support untill I'm 25, and right now i'm on 22. I really don't know what to do anymore. I cant get a job, because I haven't finished high school yet. I dropped out when I was in the 12th grade. And now i'm having a hard time trying to find a adult school that I can go to in Indiana. Most places around here only take you untill your 21. So if you have any help please write me back. Thanks everyone one who read this. Kristal

Answer 1

"If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." - Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

I've been at this crossroad. My situation is not yours....but I wanted to offer another perspective. It's so easy to translate what we want into what is best.

I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I "forced" my ex into seeing our child. I wish every day I had not. I did not know him as well as I should have. I now believe he knew he had a problem and his initial rejection of our child was his way of trying to protect him from it. I just wish he could have tried harder afterwards. My children would have been much better off without me trying to create a "perfect" family life where there clearly was not one. My ex had a lot of issues growing up that directly affected our children. I have much guilt over it.

If his heart is not in it, please do not think you can change him to feel for your child the way you do. Ashton right now is not feeling rejected by his father. He is feeling loved by his mother. He is not half a person without his father. You have the power of your love and of your words to show your child that he can turn unfortunate life situations into something positive through your examples. We as mothers so many times do not fully grasp how much our children look at our strengths and find comfort and safety in them - just as much as they look at our despair and "I wish's" and feel insecure and negative by them. You have amazing power to turn Ashton into a great, great man. Power that can be diminished by the whims of a man who could possibly be careless with or clueless of his huge influence over his son. It's not worth the risk at this point. Also, a lot of times a person's upbringing comes through in the way they raise their own child. You may inadvertently bring your child up in a hostile environment....which is very bad for all three of you.

Please try to see things how he might be seeing them. This could help you deal with the absence much more easily. People make mistakes. Fathers make them and mothers make them. This period in his life could be something he regrets for the rest of his life. But don't look for that. Don't hope for it. Don't squander your energy on something you can't control that is - in all liklihood - not nearly as glamourous as it appears in your mind. It would be a blessing if it were.

For your own well being you need to find your strength that is definitely inside of you. You are capable of incredible things. Your love for Ashton can drive you to acheive things you would have never thought were possible before you had him. Love can do that. Just like hate and resentment can send you into the gutter.

Ashton needs his mom to feel relaxed and happy and strong. You are already all of those things. Do not put undue pressure on yourself. It could cause you to get short with the one who needs your unconditional love the most. Being a single mom can be frustrating and very difficult. You need regular breaks to restore yourself. Take care of yourself and love yourself so you can love Ashton. I was 20 when I had my first child - and he was a pistol. I wasn't prepared for the demands and was always running to catch up. But my lord....was he worth it!

On another note....I do not agree with the other post at all about not trying to get child support. Sounds like someone is still a little bitter over their own situation (understandably). But I would question the motives of any father (or mother) who would tell someone else that their child shouldn't have more financial security for the sake of trying to keep the door open. If you are in dire circumstances, go to domestic relations. I have a VERY VERY hard time believing you cannot get child support until you turn 25. In fact, I don't believe it for a second. Be FAIR. Don't go after him for everything he's worth. Don't be spiteful. Be just with your request and it will be good for your heart. I called our domestic relations office when my ex lost his job and got another one for a lower wage. I asked if I could get the order reduced (in our state he is still required to pay the same amount as with his higher paying job). They couldn't understand what I was asking them to do because apparently it never happens. My ex was very grateful. I didn't do it for him or to make myself feel good.....I did it for our children. They need to not feel torn up inside over their parents' feelings towards each other. If you need temporary support just until you get your bearings, see what other financial aid you qualify for. It was created for people in your situation. There is no shame in it as long as you know in your heart you are not abusing it and it is for the good of little Ashton (since there is a little less stress on mommy).

Please try to see all sides before making your decision. It doesn't have to be decided today. Give yourself some time to think it through calmly and rationally. If you ever need to talk with someone, please do not hesitate to send a note.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Give that baby lots of hugs and kisses!

Answer 2

First off, you have to stay as focused on you and your son as possible. Your not alone, you said you have your parents to help you. You need to find a good night school and get your diploma and then some type of job training. They have night school for that as well. Your probably going to have to find a part time job for baby expenses. You need to find a lawyer and find out all your rights, there are always options you just have to do the leg work to find out what they are and then apply them. Only you and your son matter. And by the way, you should go after the father for child support, if he has money for school then he can give alittle for diapers and formula. If he doesn't want to be a dad, that's his loss. Just hold your son close and love him enough for both parents. Good luck

Answer 3

Well Kristal; the state is not supposed to tell you that you can't have child support for your son until you are 25. You're supposed to be able to get child support as soon as the child is born; whether you are 14 or 40! Call the attorney generals office in your area; they should be able to help you with your child support issues.

As for making him visit his son; sounds like your son is better off without him! You can't make him be a father, but you can make him pay for the raising of his child.

Good luck to you and your son~ April

Answer 4

Sadly you have learned you can not rely on your baby's father for any support, and it's not a good idea to rely on the state either. You are going to have to rely on you. If your parents can help with childcare, you need to get your GED, get to college, and become self supporting. It might take a while, I have a friend in your same situation, and her son is now 5. She just graduated from college, I am really proud of her, and her future is bright. Her little boy is in kindergarten, she has a job, and is dating a really great guy. You can turn it around, it will be hard, but you can do it!

Answer 5

have him relinquish his rights as a father. that way if you ever get married the child can take his adoptive fathers name and his biological father will have no rights...unless, you want to screw his dad over for life, sue him for child support. but if he wont pay ,a support order dont mean anything, the worst that would happen is his check could be garnished,his liscense suspended. then with no lisecsne he'll never work so you will never get anything anyways...u will just make his life miserable. I think losing his parental rights is a bigger blow. He will have to deal with the guilt later in life. its a sad situation but would you rather have a father that supports and cares for your child even if he's not the natural father or some guy hanging around when he wants, continuously breaking your childs heart? get rid of him.

Answer 6

I have a hard time believing you can't get child support until you are 25. You need to contact a lawyer because the selfish sperm donner is just as responsible for this child as you are!! You should not have to carry the entire burden of responsibility. He should, at least, bear some financial responsibility for this child!!
As far as school is concerned, look into on-line high school courses or course through your local community college. You should be able to get your high-school diploma at any age.
Unfortunately, you are in this hole and you''ll need to find a way to deal with it. If your parents can help, great! Look for single-mom support groups in your area, too. Be strong and focus on what's important - your child and you future.

Answer 7

Be thankful I guess, you dont need a man in your life. Just think of it this way, if you were with your ex (his dad) and you guys broke up you would have to go through a stressful and expensive custody battle...but you dont have to worry about those problems.
I understand what your going through to some extent, my kids dad (my bf) we all live together but he is not a nice man and he is a huge narcissist, the only reason why I am still with him is because I dont want to see my son half the time, I dont work because he is insecure and thinks I would cheat and not need him, s I am going to wait until my 2 year old is in school to work.
Do what you have to do, even wrking at mcdonalds, seriously, IT IS a job and *** wat anyone says about it.
Maybe you can fnd some cheap rent in the not so nice end of town and save money until you are 25. Shop at thrift stores and buy no name brand foods, just save anything you can get your hands on in terms of money and dont let anyone know you have money either.
Hey at leats you have your parents, I dont my mom is dead.

Answer 8

What you do is focus on your beautiful son. So what his sorry *** father doesnt want to be a Daddy... your son needs someone, right! Take it day by day... it will get hard, it will be amazing, you'll be stressed, you'll be extatic! Remember, as your son grows, he's gonna remember who was there for him... his mama. You have the ultimate gift of love and respect.. appreciate him, love him, be grateful you have him.

As far as money, thank your parents!!! Try different place, fill out applications to work somewhere part time... I live in Cincinnati... we're pratically neighbors... my e-mail is cincyliz@yahoo... send me an e-mail and I'll look into schooling for you. There's help out there, you just have to hunt for it.... believe me, I know.

Good luck with everything!

Answer 9

dont worry, stay focussed on your son, look after him and yourself. dont see a lawyer, dont pursue child support, just get on with your lie and try and be happy as you are. if you pursue child support of see lawyers the bad feelings that will run will run deep and leave lasting scars. if he offers you help take it, keep the door open for your son to see his father. it may well be he is not ready for all this, some men take having children badly at first, its alot for them to cope with mentally. no matter what happens the most important thing i acn say is above all stay calm focus on bringing him up and keep your dignity, good luck (from a father that was exclucded from seeing his daughters for 6 years)

Answer 10

Go see a lawyer. In some cases a judge can over see certain laws. There should be no reason why you can't get child support. You can probably get retro-active child support aswell.

Also, keep looking for schools that offer GED Classes. There has to be one in your area.

Good Luck.

Answer 11

There is no way to force a father to be a dad. Sounds like little Ashton only has you and your family to be there for him. If I were you I would get my GED and think of a career, get your independence. The only person most of us can count on is MOM.

I'm gald to her your parents are there for you. Good Luck.