Recently my step son moved back with us (his father and I) He was with his mom for 3 months. He had been living with us, but he was in a state where he kept saying he missed him mom. His mom paid no attention to him. Now he is back with us. We are trying to help him focus on school, and minding at the house. What is the best way to help him. We are seriously thinking of taking him to counseling. But is there other ways as well? Please any suggestions will be great. He is 9 years old.
2007-01-31 05:43:58 · 19 answers · asked by Shorty06 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
To be honest he is real he is a handful! We are trying to also reward him with good behavior and grades at school like allowance per week. what you guys think about that? Think that will work?
2007-01-31 05:50:41 · update #1
a reward system always works. but that also means that there has to be consequences. taking away tv privileges,toys, grounding. i highly suggest that you put him in counseling and reward him.counseling will probably help him deal with the abandonment that he is feeling from his mom. also try to make chores or homework more interesting.example if he has a spelling test coming up turn it into a game and he will get a prize for every word right and for getting all the words right.hang in there. i understand that it is tough but at least he's 9 and not 15.good luck and stay strong and remind him everyday of what he does have and not of what he doesn't.
2007-01-31 05:59:01 · answer #1 · answered by ber-ber21 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that its really tough for the boy to admit to his step mother that his real mother isnt paying enough attention to him, so give him some space and have his father and you tell him that you love him and will help him in anyway they can! Also dont tell him that his mother is wrong, just tell him that she does love him, its just that work or whatever it is, is taking up her time, but that she loves him more than anything, also that he is very lucky cause he has 3 people that love him and many children his age do not have anyone!! Talk to him about the struggles you faced getting an education and how most of people dont finish school and later regret it cause they dont have a stable job. take baby steps dont overwhlem him with all this, afterall he is nine and feels alone and pressured, you can set up homework time, and work together as a family, bond with each other, and tell him that he is growing up and starting to get responsiblilies and being a teenager!! And you could also set up like family events: parks, movies, shows, anything to get some stress off everyone and let him be a kid, also if he wants to see his mother, let him, dont deny him it, tell him its his choice whether to see or not! support him either way!! it may be hard but trust me........dont send him to counseling, that will make him feel like HES the problem and later resent you and his father! give him a chance, kids now days need attention and love! Good Luck and make sure to tell me what happened!! =D
2007-01-31 05:57:10 · answer #2 · answered by Haikouhi A 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since he has had an unsettled time I expect love and reassurance are the two most important things he needs. The best thing we can do for our children, especially when they've suffered parents divorcing, is to spend time with them and REALLY listen to them. It's all very recent so it will probably take a while before he settles back down and feels secure. He is fortunate you are concerned about his well-being, not all step-parents are so accepting. Could you maybe get some support from his school? The bad behaviour is acting out and attention seeking, if you can, ignore it. Praise and reward good behaviour and set firm, consistent boundaries. Punishment should be loss of priveleges - T.V, games console, mobile or grounding. Step families are complicated, I wish you all happiness together.
2007-01-31 05:52:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i feel your pain i am a 25 year old step mother of 3 boys 16,12,11, and biological mother of 2, 6 and 2....these things are never easy....have you tried a behavior chart......a list of things he has to do everyday......when he completes one give him a sticker after so many stickers.....we used 50 as the first level, then 100 then 150.....at each level they get a reward for good behavior...like ours was small toy for level one 10 dollar value, at level 2 it was dinner out at the restraunt of his choice, and at level 3 we used going to the arcade with a friend......the only catch is that when he has a bad behavior or dosen't complete homework he looses a sticker for each thing that isn't done....i am not really sure how severe the problem is but kids like being rewarded for good behavior they respond much better to rewards then to having stufff taken away.....a last resort would be counceling for him as well as the family although i have not been very sucessful with counceling in the past with the children they tend to think it is a big joke.....i hope this helps
2007-01-31 05:55:19 · answer #4 · answered by chylie p 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How tragic that a 9 year old boy has already experianced so much life and rejection. Perhaps conseling is a good step.Put yourself in his shoes he has already watched the collapse of a marrige / relationship between Mom & Dad, saw Mom move away and watched Dad get a whole new life with another woman. There are alot of adults that have a nervous breakdowns for alot less. I have to tip my hat to you for having the heart to care so much for this broken little boy. H e does not know it yet but he is very lucky to have you. Love him like he was your own that will help.
2007-01-31 05:55:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Create an environment that makes him feel like he's a very big part of the family.
Have one night set aside for playing board games. Pop some corn, pour the soda, and have a great time.
How about a boy's sleep-over party on a weekend? Feed them donuts in the morning.
Try to make his life as comfortable as possible.
And since you are the step-parent, don't forget to pamper yourself once in a while too. A massage works wonders!
2007-01-31 05:52:39 · answer #6 · answered by Ella 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you both are in over your heads. Get some individual counseling for the 9 year old and also get some family therapy. Everyone is going through an adjustment phase with having him back in the home. It sounds as if this decision is affecting everyone, even you. Don't tarry long on this one... situations like these can blow up in your face if you don't handle them squarely and in a timely fashion :)
2007-01-31 05:49:05 · answer #7 · answered by Jane Doe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is probably just very upset that his mother and father are not together anymore. He is probably upset about him mother not caring for him. For you I would suggest to make a friendship with him because you will never be his mother and he may not like you because he may feel you are the reason his parents are not together. I do not know what your relationship is like with him but it kinda seems like he is just testing the water and as the adults you need to show him who is boss. I think his father needs to sit down with him and talk to him on a personal level to see what is wrong. See why he is not doing what he is asked. If he is just not doing it then the dad should discipline him. You should make an effort to tell him that you are not him mother but you do want to have a relationship with him and try to show him affection that he did not receive from his mother.
2007-01-31 05:51:28 · answer #8 · answered by Tim VP 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you have to do a lil reverse sociology on him, get inside of his head, talk talk talk to him, you may get him to open up and reveal what the problem really is. at 9 years old he's going thru alot trying to deal with his feelings towards his parents because I'm sure that he has alot of confused feelings for the both of them (mom&dad) but most of all hes hurt. when hes with dad he misses mom when hes with mom he misses dad, its normal. but dont let the lil boy get to depressed over it, see if you can talk to him first, before you try the counseling, it might make him think somethings wrong with him,or that the whole thing is his fault. good luck!
2007-01-31 06:00:32 · answer #9 · answered by sissy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let him know you truly love him and try to make the communication between you and him the best it can be. Taking him to a counselor is a good idea if the counselor is an excellent one. Be patient with the child, but make the necessary boundaries of behavior and be firm.
2007-01-31 05:53:46 · answer #10 · answered by guitarjas 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋