Please help me to understand him?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for the last 2 and a half years. We see each other once a month. He's been trying to apply for jobs near my city and recently he has become pretty resentful towards me that I am doing nothing for our situation to change. He's very upset with the distance and he keeps telling me that its driving him crazy. He's been stressed from work lately and he keeps telling me that he needs me, wants me and its making him feel upset that his girlfriend is so far. He says when he sees his friends with their girlfriends, he gets upset. The other day we agreed that I will try my best to move near him. However, he's been telling me how weak he is becoming about the distance. He told me last night that he wants to take a distance. He says he loves me but until the situation changes he wants to be less involved as it is making him feel too down. I got upset with that but he told me that this is the only way he can continue. Why taking distance?

He has got an interview near my town in 2 weeks and he is coming to see me. But I am afraid I am loosing him? I feel that taking distance will only make us feel sad. He keeps telling me that he is trying to save us?

Answer 1

you can't blame him can you? How many jobs have you applied for to move closer to him?
Sounds like he is at least trying, and you are not.....but you are putting blame on him for wanting some seperation. I bet he feels like you don't have as strong of feelings for him, as he has for you, and he's just preparing for the letdown.

Answer 2

I'm afraid it's not good news. Long-distance relationships rarely work out for very long. After all, how can there be closeness when there is distance imposed between the parties? 2 1/2 years is actually a long time under such circumstances, even with monthly "visits". That is similar to conjugal visits when one partner is in prison.
From what you say about his comments and actions, he has been working up to this point for awhile. He really did not want to move to you; he expected you to move to him. Then, when you finally agreed, he re-thought the whole relationship and has decided to just move on with his life...without you. He wants to see other partners, but he is torn because he still thinks a lot of you. He hates to hurt you and wants to let you down easily. I am so sorry. Re-group and wait for your true soul mate. Just like "Sleepless in Seattle", it will happen and no obstacle will prevent your happiness.

Answer 3

It is really difficult to keep up a long distance relationship, especially when one party needs more than the other can give. You need to see it from his perspective. Try helping him find things, or see each other every other week with you traveling to see him for a change. If you really want this you will make it work and find a way for one of you to move to be closer to the other. Don't be too upset at him, try to understand and be more proactive about this. But if he wants to start seeing other people you may end up losing him if your situations don't change soon.

Answer 4

That doesn't make sense to me. I know distance makes the heart grow fonder, but you two are already in a long distance relationship. Maybe he just needs some time to get himself together. The relationship and work seems to be stressing him out. Just see what happens when he visits you. Don't make any rash decisions. Don't feel that you have to move to be with him just to make him feel better. I hope this situation gets better for the both of you.

Answer 5

I think having experienced a long distance relationship, you both need to make a step towards moving together, maybe somewhere neutral, maybe you both need to save up and move to a place between your home and his, and look for jobs together, this is assuming that you don't have a flat, or tied to a mortgage like I was, this made things even more difficult. In my relationship, he expected me from the start to move in where he lived, he made no effort to make it any easier for me, like move in for a couple of weeks to find work, he expected me to find work, make sure I had a wage coming in then move in, the thing that terrified me, is the relationship was so up and down I was scared of loosing my home, going up there and ending up with nothing if it didnt work out, so you both have to equally put an input in to make it work, maybe you need to sit down with this guy and get an equal plan of action so it pleases both of you, it seems to me too much pressure on him, and you being a bit laid back is putting him off from what I am getting from your message. Ideally I would of liked to have got married to him, then moved in, but he thought just cos I said that - that I was a money grabber and will end up depending on him, hence why the relationship failed, it has to be 50/50 otherwise it will fail.

Answer 6

I THINK THAT YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THAT RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE BEEN IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP SINCE OCTOBER 2005. WE ALSO SEE EACHOTHER ONCE IN A MONTH, USUALLY FOR 5-6 DAYS. SO I PERFECTLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL, HOW MUCH YOU MISS EACH OTHER AND ETC. I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOUR B/F IS ACTING THAT WAY? HOW WOULD THE DISTANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP HELP HIM? FOR ME, PERSONALLY, THAT MEANS THAT HE WANTS TO SEE OTHER WOMEN. I AM VERY SORRY TO BE SAYING THAT, BUT WHAT ELSE DOES IT MEAN? HE APPARENTLY FORGETS THAT BESIDES HIM MISSING YOU, YOU ARE MISSING HIM TOO!!! JUST AS MUCH AS HE DOES AND IT'S EXACTLY THAT HARD FOR YOU TOO!!! THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM, TAKE THE TIME TO SERIOUSLY TALK ABOUT WHAT WILL BE BEST FOR YOU, IF YOU WANT TO SAVE WHAT YOU HAVE! THINGS ARE NEVER PERFECT, BUT THAT'S WHY YOU ARE TOGETHER- IN GOOD AND BAD, RIGHT?? AFTER ALL, YOU ARE A TEAM AND YOU SHOULD DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS TOGETHER. I WONDER WETHER HE IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH, OR PUTTING AS MUCH FEELINGS AS YOU DO IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. OR DO YOU THINK THERE COULD BE ANOTHER WOMAN? ANYWAY, I AM SURE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN YOU SEE HIM. YOU KNOW THAT YOUR HEART WON'T LIE TO YOU. SO LISTEN TO IT AND IF IT TELLS YOU THAT SMTH IS WRONG, THEN IT MOST LIKELY IS. GOOD LUCK

Answer 7

Live your life... not for someone, "Over There," but for you. I invested 6 of my "good years" (late 20's) in an on and off long term relationship. Now most of the people my age are married with children. Of course, I was dealing with a person with NPD... something you wouldn't pick up on when you only see a person for two weeks at a time, here and there. But do keep in mind that for short periods of time people can keep it together and behave when in extended periods of they can't. If he isn't behaving now, watch out.

Also, none of the people on this site can help you to understand him. You have to have a face to face, heart to heart, conversation and ask a lot of questions.

I don't know how far this LDR is, but uprooting yourself is very, very difficult - especially when you are young. Should you do so, be sure to get out there and make other friends besides him. This is one thing I failed to do.

Answer 8

Distance Love need two people understanding, support and always be there when you need he or he need you. Sometime distance are needed to let you miss he like crazy, but if the situation continue without an ending, distance can be very harmful..
If you really love him, don't think too much!
Just follow what your heart want!

Answer 9

i hear your story but is this really what u want if its upsetting u in the long run maybe u should split i know it's easier said than done but if your getting upset anyway what have u got to lose.well its your choice but you deserve to be happy to just follow your heart and take advice from others and have a good think about things and what u want out of life always remember its your choice you will make the right decision in the end. good luck

Answer 10

You need to learn to put your feelings aside for a minute and listen to what he's telling you. He was very clear and very honest. He's fed up with the distance, it's not working out, and he wants to BE WITH someone. He's sick and tired of NOT being with someone. He's a normal human being who wants to talk to, touch, hold hands, see, hug and kiss a woman on a regular basis. 2.5 years of email, texting and phone calls is old.
It's possible that these last 2.5 years have put out the fire and he's done.

Answer 11

He is just stressed and is dissatisfied with himself and that's why he behaves like this. He does not have a stable job and he has failed several times to get one near his beloved!! That makes a person really depressed. Over and above, when he sees others going along with their girlfriends, the depression mixes with envy which aggravates the situation. Pray sincerely for him to get a job for him near you and everything will be back to normal. On the other hand, you can try for one near his!! Talk to him, console him, re-assure your love to him, cajole him and pray for him...everything will be alright soon!!!