I despise my in-laws when it comes to sharing my 8 month old with them. Any advice?

Question

My husband's family is worlds different than mine. My in-laws are from NC (they are country type folks) and I'm from the north. They snatch my daughter up and don't like me to interact with her while they are around. They insist on doing everything for her. Granted, they don't see her that often... maybe once or twice a month, but I'm still her mother. This causes me to absolutely despise them. I dread our visits. My husband says, "That's just the way they are." He doesn't want to stir the pot by confronting his mother about my problems with her. (Did I mention that she ALWAYS second guesses everything I do for my daughter and how I keep my house...) I would love to enjoy their company! I don't like having ill feelings toward anyone. Any advice?

Answer 1

Problem #1: Anytime that you bring 2 families together through a marriage, there is new territory to be explored. As a daughter-in-law myself, {also, I have had 3 different sets of in-laws... the ones I have now have been in my life over 18 years}, I KNOW what you are going through. When my daughter was first born, I HATED the way her paternal grandmother seemed to hate everything I did, from the way I dressed her (cause I ALWAYS had fru fru dresses on her,,, she was like a new doll to me) to the way I stacked her diapers. I took her differences as it being her way to tell me I didn't know what I was doing. I would cringe everytime she would come over.
Now, with time, and grandchildren of my own,,,,,,,, I am seeing the world TOTALLY different. When I "offer advice" to my daughter-in-law, she thinks I am insinuating that she does not do things right. That is SO not it..... I am just trying to share with her things that I learned by experience..... After her and my son quit letting me keep the babies (because I bought some pullups after the daycare told me they only had one left and I thought it would be helping them and my DIL informed me that was my "way of saying that she was a terrible mom"???????) I have completely stepped back.
Our family is VERY different than hers. It is hard to know what to do when you see 2 totally different worlds being offered. I am the same age as her mother, but I get down in the floor and play just like I was a kid myself. Her parents are "older" mentally and would "prefer to sit and hold them". Fine. Does it make one way right and one way wrong? Absolutely not. It just makes the world bigger for your baby.
Yes, sit and SHARE your feelings with your inlaws. Don't put your husband in the middle... when you said I Do,,,, they became your parents also. There doesn't have to be any attitudes about it. If they start to become defensive, check your attitude and make sure you are not giving them a reason to be. Don't "confront his mother", just talk to her and let her know your feelings.
Step over that "in-law" rubbish and just enjoy them. I promise, with time you WILL see what I am saying.

Answer 2

Let them spend time with your daughter, a baby can never have too many people to love her. Perhaps you could soften up your mother in law by telling her what a great gramma you think she is and that you are so happy they make an effort to come see her so often.If that does not get better then just make plans to leave the house when they visit, let your husband and daughter enjoy the visit while you enjoy some alone time shopping or going out with a friend.

Answer 3

Okay whose daughter is she? You and your husband need to maintain a united front. Otherwise your daughter will learn what it means not to be a woman of principle. Teach her to walk her own path by standing up to your in-laws. If they do not respond favorably then you limit their interactions with her. I've been there done that and have the T-shirt. You must control the situation, confrontation or not. When you die you will be responsible for the person your daughter becomes not your in-laws.

Answer 4

This is not just about you and your in-laws. It's also about your daughter and her interests in all of this.

Your daughter's interest is to have a good relationship with all of her relatives, including her grandparents.

If your in-laws are treating your daughter well and your daughter has no problem with what's going on, then you should have some patience and let it be.

Instead of being upset that your in-laws are taking your daughter from you, you can be happy that your daughter has so many relatives who love her.

Think of her for a change and have some patience.

Answer 5

Yes I have advice for you.. I mean this in the nicest way.
You have to learn to share your little girl. In laws always second guess you Hun don't let it get to you.
It's very important to your child & husband that you learn to get along with them.
Believe me when your a mother in law you will understand that I bet. I have a 12 yr old son & I know I will probably be the same way with his kids.
As a parent we think no one is good enough for our children.
I'm sorry she makes you feel that way but I'm sure she means well.
If it gets to be too much for you then it is perfectly fine to set some boundaries & let them know that YOU are the parent.
Just try to do it politly so your husband isn't hurt too.

Answer 6

Talk to your mother-in-law. Tell her how you feel about the whole thing. Like you said she is your daughter, so you are going to interact with her while she is around her grandparents. Tell your husband that he needs to see the situation from your point of view. Hopefully things may change. Good luck

Answer 7

The thing is, even though you are the child's mother, you don't OWN her. She is a person too. And she means a lot to your in-laws. There will naturally be jealousy over the time they spend with her, and what they think about your parenting skills. In-laws are just like that, so get over it--NOW.

The best thing you can do in your situation, is to just let it roll off your back. You will look like the bigger person, and not a micro-managing parent.

Answer 8

as long as she is in no physcial or any other type of harm, then it is clearly--HARMLESS. She'll be fine.
let them enjoy her their way, in a few short years she will be in school w/ friends, activities, etc. and things will be greatly different, this time won't last forever--be grateful they love her, [some grandparents couldn't care less.] always look on the bright side--you have a healthy daughter, some women can't have children, or they lost custody, some have mother in laws out of hell, don't waste time and energy despising them, it will ruin your personality.

Answer 9

some parents are like that, but if it means that much to you to get over this ill feeling towards them why not settle it with her your self instead of your husband?she probably doesn't realize she is doing that.

Answer 10

UM, Yea, GROW A BACK BONE! Tell them she's YOUR daughter, and you'll raise her how you want not how they want! and advise your hubby to grow one too! Assure them they are welcome to visit anytime they would like, but to be respectful if and when they do, because you would love to have a good relationship with them, but as long as they continue to be disrespectful in YOUR home, you will not want them over to visit!