what would be your advice?

Question

if a husband does not love his wife anymore because he wants her to lose weight, he wants her to keep his house very clean. and because he wants her to stop taking care of their children and work.... and the wife is becoming very depressed because she is trying to go to school and get her life together and her husband is really emtionally abusing her.... what would be your advice for her?

Answer 1

If they can work it out, then stay together. If the husband is making life painful for the wife, perhaps she should leave.

That's a vague answer, but I don't know the husband's side on this issue. Though, in short, if you really are upset being with someone, you have the freedom to leave. Of course, there are other responsbilities that might make such a decision more complicated, like children.

You need to talk to a counselor that can, perhaps, learn more detail about the situation and offer better advice. You probably won't get much better advice in here.

Answer 2

As soon as you get a job he can leave and leave you with all the responsibility. Did you marry a Christian man? If so, why not?
Why did you link yourself with an unbeliever? This man is leaving and it is just a matter of time. Finish school quickly, because this is making him mad also. Start putting money aside if you can for when he leaves and yes if you don't want to mend this marriage then get a job. He may figure he flirts with girls at work and if you work you'll flirt too. Who can figure the thoughts of some men? I guarantee when he leaves you'll slim down quick so why not start now. Neither husband nor boyfriend likes a dirty house.

Think of men this way - if you slim down, clean the house and get a job, what worth is he to you? If you slim down, clean the house and don't get a job and make him support the family, will you be better off? Think of it this way - you can't have everything that you want either. He can't have everything he wants and you can't have everything that you want. COMPROMISE

Answer 3

Difficult situation. Maybe she can sit down and talk about it with him and tell him how she feels. Maybe marriage canceling would help. The husband sounds selfish and shallow. It's difficult I guess I would say if nothing can be done and their is no love anymore leave him, but that's not always easy. My advise to her would be carry on with her studies, take care of the kids because they are very important, but if she wants she might be able to work for a few hours a week, talk to her husband, Also she should tak to family, friends and a Doctor about her problems and depression. If her husband is gonna continue acting like this and nothing can be done leave him.

Answer 4

Emotional abuse is abuse. They should see a marriage counselor to figure out what has changed and why the husband feels it's okay to treat his wife this way. Are finances an issue? Does he want her to go to work because he realizes he can't pay the bills on his own? Is there something about their financial state that he's keeping from her, i.e. he knows they're in debt up to their eyeballs, he can't dig them out of it alone, but he hasn't shared this with her? These could be valid points for her to go back to work, but if he hasn't told her these things that is a problem in their marriage that they also need to work on.

I would suggest counseling to begin with. It will depend on the results of counseling as to whether the marriage can be rebuilt. It sounds like he's doing an awful lot to destroy her self esteem and the marriage right along with it. Communication has definitely broken down and they need to figure out why.

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Answer 5

Find a friend or family member who can give you some moral support and leave the husband. I would suggest marriage counseling, but if he is emotionally abusive, then counseling will do no good. In my personal experience, marriage counseling ended when my emotionally-abusing ex-husband didn't like to be confronted with the truth that he was abusive. He thought the counselor was unfairly biased against him and that counselors always take "the woman's side".

You know, when we get married, we marry for better or for worse. We women have an easier time gaining weight than men do, especially after we've had kids. As we get older, it is easier still to gain weight. I used to be underweight to the point that my doctor told me at one time I needed to gain weight before I had more children. Now, I am 45 and I have 10 pounds I want to lose. It may not seem like a lot of weight, but I am telling you, I am having trouble losing 10 pounds. Imagine how hard it is for the average woman to lose weight when someone like me who used to lose weight TOO easily can't seem to lose a few pounds. I lose 1-3 pounds and then I either gain it back or stay at that weight. My point is, who cares if you gained weight? In a marriage, appearance is not what carries a marriage and holds it together. It is love for each other and lifting each other up in the good times and bad. There are plenty of perfectly-figured women out there, but their beautiful figures don't count for very much in divorce court. It's a person's character that counts.

As to losing the weight, keeping the house clean and returning to work, your husband sounds like a controlling person. The fact that he is emotionally abusive is not good either. Lots of controllers become abusive as a way to control what they fear losing control of. It may be that he does love you, but wants things a certain way and he behaves the way he does as his way to have control over a situation that he feels helpless about. That doesn't make it okay for him to do that. Everyone deserves to be loved and accepted as they are and to be treated with respect.

If the husband (yours or your friend's you are writing about) wants someone to work outside the home and clean the house and leave the kids for someone else to care for, then it sounds like he could just as easily hire a maid, a nanny, and date a businesswoman. Why have a wife? It should be a woman's choice if she wants to work outside the home, and if she doesn't, then she should be able to stay home if it is something that is beneficial for the family. If she is doing everything she can to get her life together, and her husband is pulling her down and putting her down, part of getting her life together, in my opinion, should be separating from her husband. When people love each other, they don't treat each other that way. Plain and simple. Life is too short, and nobody should have to live the rest of their life in misery because of someone else's treatment of them. Leaving a bad marriage is a difficult thing to do because it involves sacrifice, change, adjustment, starting over, helping kids adjust, struggling, coping, moving on, etc. It isn't easy. It's very, very hard. Still, it is SO worth it because the person leaving such a bad marriage will find that there IS a better life out there for them AND their kids. Trust me - I have been there, done that. I left such a marriage and my kids and I are much happier as a result. It was VERY hard at first, but if you can find someone to assist you with moral or other support, it will be that much easier. Good luck to you or your friend, whoever your question is referring to.

Answer 6

tell him to buy her a Bowflex, start teaching the kids to eat right and set an example that he is concerned for her health by doing it himself. If she works then it is BOTH their responsibility to keep the house clean and set chores for the kids....do they really need the money or are the kids more important to be brought up by their mum?

School and the total responsibility of the house work, when she would rather bring up her kids..........yes i'd say this is emotional abuse and for a small fee of the plane i'd fly there and tell him that he is being an idiot.

she should stick up for herself and tell him to get the dishwashing gloves on and do his part........and with the kids as well, he will have to take half the responsibility of bringing up the kids.

Answer 7

Well, the bible teaches that the husband must first love the wife just as christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

So, in this case, assuming the husband is like that, I would expect the wife to accede to his requests.

Now, assuming, the husband is NOT like that, then I suggest she have a good talk with him and bring him to church for counselling. If that fails, pray for help.

Answer 8

She needs to give him a wake-up call, through counseling, or her taking a nice two-week vacation and see how he handles taking care of the household.

The truth is when someone "falls out of love" with someone else. It's never the other person's fault (as much as they like to blame it on them), it's always, 100%, their own fault.

Answer 9

I think she should be telling her husband this, not us.
If they can't work it out, then she should leave him. She shouldn't stay together just for the kids, as this has been shown to have a worse effect on them than just splitting up.

Answer 10

You need marriage counseling. Lose the weight because it will affect your health. It sounds like you are depressed.