How can I turn around my 23 year old son who is not working and not in school ?

Question

I’ve been doing everything I can think of to get my son back on the right track. He is not working and doesn't have a High School Diploma and seems content with just hanging out with his friends all day so he can come home late to avoid facing his us and our questioning. The only time he builds up enough courage to call us at work or to come home to face us face to face is when he wants something (money, or borrow the car). When we don't give him what he wants he usually has a temper tantrum which seems to work on my wife because she usually gives in to him. He use to be a good kid up to about his 10th grade year in a private high school. That year his grades dropped and he was force out and began attending a public school. He made it to his 12th grade year which he didn't complete because of a mix up with his credits from his old school. Over the last 5 years he's been in and out of GED programs. He also lost an older brother to murder and was shot himself. HELP!

Answer 1

stop enabling him... every time you give him money or let him stay home for free you are only holding him back from moving forwards.
He has to decide for himself that he is worth it.

Counseling is the only thing i would pay for and i would pay it directly to the doctor and NOT give it to him

Answer 2

the world is a much different place now, almost everyone has a college degree and the debt and lack of equity to show for it-and it is becoming more difficult to get a loan without a down payment or a nice debt to equity ratio. And in this economy even skilled college educated professions have difficulty getting even a mcjob. While the housing market is nice right now, the job market is a bit too unstable to make such long term risks. You may want to start looking at homes on the market, and try to talk to a reputable mortgage broker in your state to see what the what is advisable to have for a cost to loan value, possible amortization tables, and if you can prove a gift that will help allow the lender to make some contingencies. After you basically make a business plan, you pressure them into buying a home now. houses are cheap, and they may go down more but at some point they will recover-I am thinking when we kick the democrats out of office so we can start creating jobs. If they buy a large enough home they may even be able to collect a rent income by leasing rooms, if the lender allows that.

Answer 3

Time for someone to grow up, I'd say! And the only way for that to happen is if he is forced to do so.. Give him 3 weeks to find a job AND a new home! And don't back down. If it means he goes to a homeless shelter for a while, so be it. He's been living so well on your dime that he hasn't had to do anything with his life, now has he? Mom needs to stop babying a grown man, too. If she refuses to co-operate, she certainly won't be doing him any favours. Unfortunately, by playing hard-ball, there is a chance that there will be some negative repercussions on your marriage. Do you love your son enough to tough it out?

Answer 4

I had to look at the name to be sure I hadn't posted this when first started reading it. My son is 22. Moved out at 18. My help (financial) has probably hurt him more than help him. I have two words.... Job Corp. He would be gone for almost 2 years. He would learn a trade and get a GED or diploma. He would learn responsiblity. I wish my son would have gone. Now he has 2 kids. He is a bouncer in a strip club and is getting ready to move in with one of the strippers!! woo hoo. Good luck on Job Corp. Move quick though. He can only go until he is 24.

Answer 5

Oh gosh....I'm so sorry for your predicament. I have a 20 year old brother who is exactly like your son. Does your son get motivated at first about something new then just quits after a little while?
Well, my best advice would be "tough love." Kick him out and tell him to grow up. Thats what my mom did to my brother...of course I felt bad for my brother, well because he's my baby brother and I would bend over backwards for him, but he needed the tough love treatment. Don't let your wife succomb to his needs and wants, and feel better that he didn't throw a tantrum. Its hard when its your child and even harder as a sibling who would take him in, in a heartbeat. So he just needs a little tough love.
Are you his step-father?

Answer 6

he needs some professional help to deal with the issues of his older brother you didn't say when that occured. he's 23 yrs old he needs to grow up and take rose colored glasses off. your wife cant keep giving into his tantrum this is just making the situation that much worse. i know it will be hard but tuff love is neededhere]lay down the ground rules he get a job get his ged or he's out of the house.

Answer 7

He might be affected badly by the incidents that took place and kind of canot get out of it. Your way of showing concern to him maybe too harsh or that it just makes him even more angry. People at that age tend to want to try new things and get away from parents. You might want to find out what are the things he like to do other than hanging around with friends. Give in to him some time but not always. Don't ever give up on him. If possible, seek help from a specialist and sort things out before it is too late.

Answer 8

I feel for you. It's so easy for someone to tell you to kick him out. This is, in my opinion, the best answer.
My parents never kicked my brother out and now he's in prison for 10 years... they kept providing EVERYTHING necessary for him to continue his bad choices. Money, car and unconditional love.
The only thing, is he made a really bad choice and nothing my parents could provide could fix it. So what good did all that do? It allowed him to walk through life aimlessly for a period of 5 years until one day one of his choices landed him in prison.
DO SOMETHING NOW before it's too late. My brother tells me that if our parents had just let him hit rock bottom he would've shaped up.
I would say go and get some counselling but if he doesn't want help it really wouldn't matter.

Answer 9

Time for "Tough Love." Tell him he has 3 months to gain employment and get out on his own BUT you and your wife will have to be in agreement on this. Don't let him borrow anymore money and do not lend him the car. He needs to face the realities of life.

Answer 10

I know most people are going to say "kick him out". That is easier said than done. Myself, I wouldn't and couldn't kick any member of family out without someplace to go. I may not love what or how they do something, but I love them unconditionally. He needs your support right now, whether he realizes it or not. It sounds like your son is afraid of the world, and his safety net is his parents. He sounds as if he is avoiding any confrontation, because that would mean exposing his deepest feelings, and he may not be ready to do that. If he is willing I would suggest counseling for him, or maybe even a family counseling. If he isn't willing to get counseling, I would give him an ultimatum, go to counseling or find a job to save money to be able to get his own place. Let him know that it hurts you to see him hurt himself. Tell him you willing to help, as long as he is willing to help himself.

Answer 11

Tell him that you started a hotel and it is called Pay to Stay. If he doesn't pay then he can't stay. You did your job up till the day when he turned 18 yrs old. If he was to go to the hospital he would be responsible to pay that bill, so he needs to be told that he needs to pay for his lodging and the food that he puts into his stomach. You need to show some "Tough Love" or he will continue to walk all over you.

Good Luck