I need some advise on how to deal with a stepdaughter that thinks she rules the house and my husband lets her.

Question

Okay, seriously, only people who have experience in this answer. My step daughter is 10 (I have been living with her since she was 4-weekends, all holidays, two days a week, and 2 weeks+ in the summer). The problem is that I still cannot stand to always have my schedule revolve around her and what she wants. No matter what my husband and I want to do,he has to schedule it around her. It annoys me in the worst way. But the thing that makes it wose is the fact that she is 9 and she acts like she is 3-and her dad treats her as if she is 3. He still does everything for her, cuts up her food, etc. He will not even make her keep her room clean, much less do any other chores. She even informed me that she would never lift a finger to do a chore. She also does not listen to anything we tell her to do. On the rare occassion when he does tell her to do something she just ignores and then he just lets her get her way. She dictates what we do, eat, watch, etc. Please tell me how you would deal..

Answer 1

Your husband will always cater to her. He is feeling guilt for not being a full-time father to her (although he may not express it). She is essentially a visitor in her father's home.

Do you have children with your husband? If so, she feels replaced by them. If so, those children will begin to model their behavior after the step-daughter's to get their own way, manipulate, etc. OR they will resent her, and/or not respect you or their father for allowing this behavior to continue.

How does the mother allow the step-daughter to behave? Does she allow this sort of behavior as well? Are the rules clearly defined and consistent in both homes?

Gentle share with your husband that he is creating a self-centered brat whose behavior will only get worse as she becomes a teenager. Do not force your husband to choose between you and his daughter -- it is obvious that he will choose his daughter.

HOWEVER, if you do not have children together (and maybe if you do because you do not want them to become like her), every time the daughter is around, leave the house. Yes, leave. Go to a hotel to spend the two nights there or stay with family/friends. Go on vacation when she is around for an extended stay. Allow your husband his "time" with her, and perhaps when it falls entirely upon him, he will have a better understanding of the monster he is creating.

You will not win this battle without your husband's cooperation and it appears that he is perfectly happy to indulge his daughter. You are in a no-win situation, and it appears after six years of this, it will not ever change.

Good luck and you have my sympathies.

Answer 2

Your problem is not only with the child it's with her Dad. I know, my fiancee is/was the same. He has 2 boys, when I moved in they were 16 & 18, he has full custody. The biggest problem was he tried to be mother, father and best friend to them. Unless your in the situation you don't understand you can't be all of them at the same time and it hurt the relationship when he was changing his behaviour with them all the time. His mommy role was to cut up their food, pick up after them, do everything for them, never give them responsiblities and stick his head in the sand when others said anything about their behaviour (denial). His daddy role was trying to make men out of them, "telling" them to mow the grass---clean their rooms---get a job. Best friend role was laughing with them about what they did when they got drunk or adding his 2 cents in dealing with another guy/girl problem (kicking someones butt or dumping this girl for that one or worse cheating on their girl with the town tramp). In the beginning I just turned a blind eye on what was going on, but when you live with the situation day to day eventually things come to a head. I was lucky, my fiancee is a good man, a Dad that means well but no clue as to how to go about it right, and above all willing to listen to some good solid advice. This didn't happen over night, it took several talks with him but we worked through it. All children, from the youngest to when ever they leave the nest, need structure. A set of rules to live by, chores to do (makes them feel like part of the household), and disciplined if they don't uphold their end of family committment. Around here I cook, everyone's job is to fix their own plate, if the person is sick yes we fix them a plate and take it to them but we are nobodies personal maid. They are responsible for seeing to yard work and laundry being gathered together and their own rooms being kept clean. If they want something they now buy it themselves, if they need extra money it is loaned out and expected to be repaid on payday. Both boys have found a new lease on life since they have money in their pockets that they earned themselves. Drinking is tolerated, moderately, in their own rooms, they are 21 & 23 now, but no alcohol when friends under the age are invited over. Drugs are prohibited. We do not charge them rent or food, but any beer and junk food are their responsibility. It is just a matter of time before they go off on their own, which is soon we know, but we will miss the last 3 years together after we took hold of working as a family. I hope you and yours can work this out together it's worth it if you work hard enough at it.

Answer 3

you are going to have to stand up and say: enough is enough.
until you put your foot down everything will just go on as it is now.
definitely get some family counseling. if that doesn't work, start some hard and fast rules for the little miss and stick to them.
if the father objects or refuses to participate then let him know in no uncertain terms that you are going to end the marriage.
you cannot continue to live like this.
its not only not fair for you, its not giving the child the upbringing she needs to survive in today's world.
who cuts up her food for her at school? do other kids carry her books and do her work for her and gym class. i don't think so!

Answer 4

i think of you have each authentic to be disillusioned (for the reason which you incredibly lots raised her from age 6) and that i don't blame your husband for being 'bowled over'. i think of the ultimate element you and your husband can do for now's to enable it quiet down a dash. She is clearly puzzled and feels like this substitute into thoroughly an accident (even in spite of the undeniable fact that she is satisfactorily previous to be conscious of that intercourse can bring about being pregnant..). merely take the time to think of roughly your next plan inclusive of your husband. it could take a week or 2 yet this toddler isn't likely everywhere so merely quiet down and make sturdy judgements together inclusive of your husband and talk it over inclusive of your daughter. it is going to likely be ok.

Answer 5

I can tell you all sorts of things, but the bottom line is this:

His daughter is not the problem. Until your husband is willing to make a change, things will always be just as they are now.

Answer 6

I have one of those. U need to stop playing her games it will only get worse. Stop cutting up her food start making her clean her room and get some chores for her to do. U make her get up and do what u want. Please stop wat your doing and discipline the child. If she doesnt want to eat wat u cook she goes without. Start watching wat u want on tv. When u start laying down the rules and she does them reward her.Look it will be a stressful time it will get worse before it gets better but u need to persist with it dont give in. Or give her to me for a month i will sort her out.

Answer 7

Maybe you need to lighten up, if she soesn't get to see her dad all the time, maybe he feels like he has to make up for the time he doesn't see her. It sounds like you are jealous. She is only 9 what do you expect from her??

Answer 8

Well you married into this situation... You either can accept it and live with things the way your hubby is comfortable with now... or you can move on... There's little that will ever change in this situation...

Answer 9

i know sence its yor step dauhgter is difficult and sence you cant dicipline her, but you need to have a one on one conversation with him and tell him how you fell about the situation, and tell him how that would affect her life later on because once she gets older she is going to gets used to people doing stuff for her and getting her way, then that is going to cause more problems for you later on