Are my kids ruined and traumatized by their mothers bad choices?

Question

I was married to my x for 5 years. Seperated in '01 and divorced and got custody of my children in '04. My Q is my two kids went through a lot while I left the house, I wish i could have took them with me but you know that laws the mother get the rights of the children. My kids are know in counceling (therapy) and I keep them active in school activites and sports to keep their mind off this crap.
Here it is: they've witnissed their mother doing drugs abusing alcohol and having sexual intercourse in front of them. I know this because they were acting out in ways they were not supposed to. I even called children services and had them talk to a psychitrist.
I don't talk much about their mother to them but they do see her everyother weekend (court order). I asked a Q "Does a mother who lost custody of her children...." Well, I know my daughter wants to move back to her mothers, she don't say it but she's miserable here... I just don't know what to do?

I don't want my children to follow in their mothers foot steps. What should I do? Am I doing the best I can do? Some of you said I didn't have a choice where my daughter wanted ti live? Will I do more harm if I keep her?
My kids haven't "acted out" in the wrong way in a year. I had to keep a sharp eye on them. I would appreciate all the support I can get it!

That's another reason why I called children services in '04. Their mother took a drug test and failed it. She was supposed to do in-patient treatment and never went. Children Services dropped my case after a year because she wouldn't cooperate. I've tried getting her help she doesn't want it.

Answer 1

Provide a loving and stable home for the kids and teach them by example, that is the best thing you can do for them.

I am a child of a messy, ugly, nasty divorce in which both parents were varying degrees of alcoholics and abusers... however, they did have their redeeming qualities too. You just have to make sure that the kids lives are as "normal" as possible. I honestly feel that education is the key to moving on... make sure they get to college and have the foundation to building a positive life regardless of their childhood.

Answer 2

Well i have to say that something is seriously wrong if you got custody of your children-thats nothing against you but most courts will not take children away from their mothers unless something serious is going on-i would suggest keeping a log of any conversations you have with their mother,any out of the ordinary comments the kids make-if all of that stuff is true-it is really sad that they have witnessed that kind of behavior. Have you tried talking to your daughter and asked her what you could do to make her life a little better. And you are doing the right thing about not talking about your ex in front of your kids-it can be a devastating move on your part-just do what you can to be a good role model for them but always ask them for their input too because im sure they had to grow up quickly and are able to tell you what they want to be happy-Good luck.

Answer 3

Yes, her behavior does and will have a huge impact on your children. It is too bad the courts never do right by the children and let horrible parents to continue contact with their children. Your children need a good female role model in their lives. I highly suggest you get them a Big Sister from the Big Brother/Big Sister Organization. Just like children need their Fathers in their lives, they need a mother too. Since theirs sucks and does more harm than good, get them a Big Sister that will fill that gap and hopefully show them how woman are supposed to treat them and behave. You keeping them active in school and sports is an awesome choice. Keep it up. Take a very active role in their day to day lives. Eat dinner together and talk about their day with them. Keep the lines of communication open and hopefully they can pull through this ok.

Answer 4

According to your last addition of details, their mother failed a drug test yet the system refuses to keep the children away from her? To me, this is just one more sad example of how the government fails to keep children safe. IF you have custody, you need to go BACK to court, tell the judge that you have proof that their mother isnt fit to BE a mother, and have her rights completely taken away. Keep your kids in counseling, and get them active in extracurricular activities like sports, or music lessons, or something. Be the best father that you can be, never fail to ask for help when you need it. It takes a village to raise children; you don't have to do it all by yourself.

Answer 5

I grew up in a home much like what you are speaking about. But it was both of my parents that were drug addicts. I thanks god that i had an older sister to take care of me. It affected me a great deal, i have been in councling since i was 13 i am now almost 22 and just recently stopped. I have memories of it being christmas eve and very cold and my mother leaving me and my sister in a car and a very dangerous city all night alone. All i can say is keep them in councling, they will need it. These things will effect them a great deal even if they dont relize it now. How old is your daughter? Mabey she wants to move back with her mother because she thinks she will have more freedom and control. I would fight it as hard as i could. Some of the memories i have are so tramtic, and it really did mess up my life, I was a deliquent teen that got into drugs myself. But what are you to do when your parents allow that type of thing??But be open about it with them. Talk to them about there mother and how she is sick. Explain to them that you are just looking out for what is best for them. This is a hard situation but just try to keep your children and keep doing the bast you can for them. And keep them in the councling, weather they like it or not. Good luck and i hope that every thing works out for you!

Answer 6

It takes a good man to do what your doing.
My parents divorced when I was 9. So I kinda understand that.
But as for the drugs and what not, all you can do is let your children know that you love them no matter what!
Let them know that it's not their fault.
That sometimes things happen that nobody wants to happen and they do.
Just let they also know that their mommy is sick and needs help. That she still loves them even though she may do bad things.
It will be hard for them to realize that "mommy and daddy" are not going to be together anymore.
AGAIN... Reassure them that you love them and it's not their fault.
Deep down, all little ones going through something like this will be hard on them.
I know that I always wanted my parents together. I hated having to go house to house!
Some will tend to want to rebel against the other parent because to them, the way they see it- It's the parent's fault.
Others will go through a depression stage.
I'm sorry that this is happening in your family.
I hope that you can find the help that you need for your children and stay strong!! You can only do the best that you can!!
You are no superman!!
Good Luck and God Bless!!

Answer 7

As a child of a former drug user and cheater i can tell you one thing- children are resilient-they assimilate what they see and hear. There may be a few problems- issues with feelings of abandonment- "why wasn't i good enough for mommy to be better.." -counseling is a big help.. having a parent that cares( that would be you) is the best- just hang in there.. the payoff to staying involved is the child will turn around and see that there is a "safe" place in their world. As for your daughter wanting to move back-hang in there--do not give into this pressure you feel--she may feel miserable now but lets not play the horrible game of "what if" if she was to return to that situation.. when i was 10 my mother moved me to the other side of the state we lived in--i rebelled for about 4 very hard years..but came out the other side realizing that it was for the best.it will be a hard road to travel but take heart in knowing that others have travel led this road.. and came out the other side doing much better.. good luck and hang in there!

Answer 8

Hang in there, Dad. And get yourself some counselling, too--it's not just for your kids. Given your circumstances, you can probably qualify for reduced prices with a counselor, and you need some support.

Yes, your kids are paying a price for what they've been through, but it doesn't have to mean they're ruined forever. Keep them in counselling. Let them talk about their feelings and don't react in an emotional way--they're kids, they're not doing it to hurt you (or if they are, you still have to be the adult in the relationship.) Say things like, "it's ok to feel that way. I understand. You might feel differently about this later." BE CONSISTENT. Keep the rules steady, so the kids know there are boundaries and that you care about them.

Join a support group for single parents. Ask your kids' counsellor to recommend a good one for you. I wish you and your kids the best.

Answer 9

You should stick to your guns, and keep your kids with you. Kids always think that the grass is greener on the other side, and often kids of divorce try to play one parent off the other to get attention or to get their way. Your daughter is probably confused but clearly you are providing the more stable home for her. She will see that one day. You sound like a nice guy. Keep them in sports and therapy and show them a lot of love and as much patience as you can muster.

Answer 10

well maybe just talking to her will help and ask how she feels. try to make her happy. Also in some way help the mom try to get off drugs. Also talk to the kids how drugs are bad and don't do them. That kind of stuff u know.