How to deal with a mentally ill parent?

Question

Hi, I am 35 years old and have a 68 year old mother that is mentally ill. I need help!!!!! I have reached a point where I just can't take her emotional abuse anymore, she is always angry and nasty. When I establish boundries and hang up when she statrs attacking me she then calls me constantly and leaves these nasty messages. They she starts with the I wish I were dead, I should just run away...blah blah. I will give you just a small snipit of her abuse towards me...I was recently at a local store doing my shopping and my cell phone was in my purse on vibrate...when I realized it was rining, i ansewered it and she had alredy been sent to voice maill...well knowing I wuld suffer her rather I immedately called her back...mind you before she even had a chance to leave a message. She didn't even say hello to me she just very nastly said what is the matter with you people, why don't you ever answer your phones. Any advice as to how to hanlde this?

Answer 1

Make sure she is getting the care she needs.

Check with your other siblings to see if they are being similarly abused.

Block your mother's number, and only talk to her on your terms.
Ultimately, YOU are the one choosing to allow her to abuse you. If you really don't want to be abused by her, then DON'T. If you call her and she begins heaping abuse on you, hang up. Explain to her that you will not listen to her abuse, and every time she abuses you, hang up.

She will either learn to deal with you on your terms, or she won't. In which case you will have to make the decision of whether to have anything more to do with her at all.

Anyone who uses emotional blackmail to try to make someone else do as they want, deserves to be called on it. So the next time she says "I wish I were dead" or "I should just run away" just agree with her, and hang up. It will stun her for only a second.

Just make sure that once you have her behaving in a manner that you find acceptable to live with, don't ever relax your vigilance. She will be very quick to take advantage of any opportunity to go back to her old habits.

Answer 2

I am 23 and my mother is 45. I recently went on leave from AIT (Army schooling) to see her and about the third day there I realized she was not right. She has had moments like that before years ago (post pregnancy depression) that went undiagnosed for years. When it was finally diagnosed they put her on horomones, then she was fine.
Anyways when I was there she would yell outside at people that were't there, talking to my dead grandpa, and hearing voices in her head. I had to put her in a hospital and extend my leave time to make sure she got properly diagnosed and not just put on some drugs that would zombify her.
Today, four months later, she's fine. She realizes she wasn't right off in the head and that something was wrong. Crazy people don't think or believe they are crazy. Psychologicaly proven FACT! But she thought she was crazy even because of all the crazy **** she was doing.
Hopefully this helps. I know I didn't really give you any advice. The best that I could give you is help her seek help and to stick by her. You really don't know how much time you got with her.

Answer 3

I am 31 years old and have dealt with this and physical abuse from my father most of my adolescent life. My Mom and Dad divorced four years ago and it's been hell ever since.

Mentally ill people are needy. There's no doubt about it. As for the name calling and phone calls, it's because your Mother is an extrovert. She can't properly function unless people are around her all the time. The name calling, too, is her way of saying "I need you" or "I need help." Mentally ill patients don't know any other way to communicate sometimes other than lashing out. Does your Mother live alone? This could be the problem. My Mother, too, tried living alone and it just didn't work. She couldn't make rational decisions and her OCD just took off from constant panic and worry. She now resides in a group home for the mentally ill and they are trying to teach her the fundamentals of living alone; however, it's been very very difficult as she doesn't want to do anything. I'm not saying that this will happen for your Mother; however, she does need help by her continual phone calls.

I certainly hope that your Mother has a pschychiatrist or mental health case worker that you can discuss this with. Her medication, too, may need to be adjusted.

As for you, contact NAMI.org to see if there's a support group in your area. NAMI stands for "National Association for the Mentally Ill". There's people in this support group that are ill themselves and have gotten well and family members of those who are ill. They are all over the country and may have a group in your area. Their phone number, too, is 1-800-950-6264. Good Luck and keep your chin up!

Answer 4

Well reading your question first I would say that you handle a person with mental illness very carefully. But this being your mother I know it is very difficult; however you are going to have to look out for your well being. You don't want to take her negative abuse so long to where it starts to effect you in a bad way. At 68 your mother have lived her life and its time for you to live yours. Have you thought about putting her into a nursing home? It would hurt but you could explain or try to explain to her that you are no longer going to except her behavior and if she continues then you will have to cut the lines of communication. No doubt this is not an easy situation to deal with. I do wish you much luck and I will send a prayer up for you!!!

Answer 5

First...she needs help, something you can not give to her, get her to a doctor he will know what she needs to control this behavior. I took care of my Grandmother, she went from one behavior to another within minutes. It got so bad at times I was so close to just walking away from the woman that loved and took care of me as a child, I felt I did not deserve her wrath. I was encouraged to seek medical help with her. It was hard to do for she denied being ill (and that is exactly what she was...mentally ill) and said I was just trying to get rid of her and my problems by dumping her on strangers. The first few weeks were the hardest, seeing her battle emotions or seeing her give up on her emotions...but within a month she started to improve and I was able to help her. Don't put off any longer, go talk to someone now.

Answer 6

First, don't take it personally. She is sick, not evil.

Second, consider telling your mother that you will no longer tolerate her abuse. Be willing to keep your promise by being willing to change your number and address if she continues to abuse you.


Third, consider joining a support group for the caregivers of people with her illness so that you can get help for yourself. If you don't know of one, see a therapist for some recommendations.

You don't have to live like this, but the decision to protect yourself from your mother is not an easy one to make. Get some help for yourself.

Answer 7

Both you and your mother are desperately in need of professional counseling, both individually and together. Your mother, in particular, needs to see a psychiatrist who has traininig in worknig with older adults.

You need to find your own psychologist or psychiatrist as well, because a 35 year old adult should not be in emotional bondage to his or her mother. You had hoped that thnigs would get better over time, but they have not, and nothnig will change until action is taken now.

At the very least, you should get counseling even if your mother refuses to do so, because you need to know what you can do to help her and help yourself as well.

Answer 8

It sounds like she is depressed.

Has she recently lossed a husband or someone close? Its hard getting old, especially when you realize that the choices you made when you were young are forcing you to grow old alone.

You MUST deal with her on YOUR terms. She may need medication...she may be starting a road toward alzheimers, she may just be an old bag who wants to make every one elses life miserable.

But...for your sanity..and for those of your family...you must invite her into your life on your terms.

When she gets nasty..tell her.."Gee Mom...I would love to talk to you right now..but I am at the check out. I will be coming over at 10am on Saturday...we will do brunch ok? LOVE YOU LOTS!"

I am dealing with a 72 year old father who just went thru a similar thing this past year...I let it take over my life for several months until I said enough is enough. He is now in assisted living. I visit him on MY terms...and we are all happier.

Good luck!

Answer 9

That sounds tough, if you can try to distance yourself as much as possible, maybe if you aren't around so much she will realize how nasty she is, or just tell her point blank! If she is mentally ill maybe their is some type of medication that can help her. Have you considered a frontal lobotomy?? I'm just kidding, talk to her dr

Answer 10

Maybe she is just going through some depression, she sounds like she is really down, give her space, and be kind and gentle. She is your Mother, I know it must be very hard in this situation, but your in it, so try to make the best out of it.. Offer her help ! Sounds like she's crying out for just that ..
Ask your family doctor for some advice, they can be very helpful in these situations ..

GOOD LUCK TO YOU '

LIFE CAN BE VERY HARD AT TIMES, BUT WE DO HAVE TO LIVE IT THE BEST WAY WE CAN
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